You don't offend me, WCW. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about ow--in fact, I rarely think of her. When I saw here name in his shirt, though, I was angry that I had to think of her at all. I don't want any reminders of her around me. That's why I cut the name out.
And it was skates.
Re. ML: I think it does help. Maybe that's just me, but but those fibroids made sex unpleasant for a long time. I didn't know how to tell him that, but I wan't very enthusiatic because I never knew if/ when the pain was going to hit me. I want H to know that that isn't a problem now. I worry that I'm fooling myself about this connection sometimes, though. To me it is ML, and I think it is for him as well, but who knows how he sees it, really.
I have enjoyed this break for the most part. Yesterday I heard the Dalai Lama speak in Seattle. IT WAS AWESOME! He is very humble and funny, and he had a very simple but inspiring message: show compassion to everyone. I will post more details later--H may be by, and I don't want to be on here when he comes. Today I am doing regular shore stuff and waiting for the plumber--the pipe under the bathroom sink is leaking. H just called few minutes a go to "say hi and check in." Apparently he has promised memebers of his congregation to help them with their taxes, and he wanted to know from me how long it takes on the computer. I find this interesting--this is a man who never wanted to be involved in the financial aspect of our life together, and now he's telling people that he can help them. I guess it may be just to download the progam or something, but still...maybe it's a sign of maturity? And I can't help but wonder who these people are exactly.
Hello, my darlings! I can't believe that it's been so long since I posted. I am well, just ...busy. Lazy. Living life. I will post all my news soon--nothing big, just another R talk about a month ago--not long after my last post, actually. anyway, I want to know what you think about it, but I don't have time right now. I am thinking about you all, as always. Be well, and happy spring--almost summer!!!!
SLOWLY!!! So good to hear your "voice!" What are you up to these days??
Life rages on, friends. I survived another anniversary. Our 11th. I resolved to make it a fantastic day for myself regardless of H. I was surprised when he showed up in the evening--he works so hard to not acknowledge anything like this and has not stopped in AT ALL on weekends in ages. I bought a chunk of amethyst crystal for him--I hesitated at first, but the selenite I gave him for Christmas was a big hit, so I figured I'd go ahead. Glad I did--he seemed interested in it, and I was very casual about giving it to him and didn't actually mention the reason.
I gave myself an iPod.
Anyway, we watched the end of the hockey game together, and chatted, and he left saying that he might be back later. He tried to call but my phone was on silent. I called him when I saw that, and he returned when I was in bed watching "The Pink Panther." My sense was that he remembered exactly what day it was and wanted to spend time together. Was it everything I wanted? Of course not. But I was happy to spend time with him.
So here's the convo from about a month ago. Let me know if you have any particular insights:
He called late on a Sunday night and sounded exhausted and unhappy. I can't remember how he led into it--I must have asked if he was all right. He said he didn't want to get into a big talk right then. I said OK, talk to me when you're ready, and he said, "I am ready, but I don't want to talk about it right now." So I said let me know when you're ready, and we went into it.
He said, "You must be tired of this," meaning the situation between us. I said he doesn't seem to know what he wants, and he said, "It's not that simple," and started talking about how we don't seem to spend any time together. I asked why he thinks that is, and he said, "Well, either you're doing something or I am." I said, "H, I've called you many times; do you really think I don't want to see you or do things with you?" His response: "No, I guess not, but...." I think that somewhere in here I asked him directly if he wants to divorce me, and he said no.
He was panicked about the financial situation--BTW, we have refinanced to pay off debt and expect to close by the end of the month. At the point of this convo, I was making an appointment to talk with a mortgage broker that a friend recommended, and H said, "I guess there may be a chance to find a way out of this." I just said that if we worked together, we would find a way.
I took the initiative then and said it may not matter to him, but I could tell him some things that I was certain of and that I knew to be true(and although my voice got tight and high, I didn't cry once during this convo):
* I love him more than I could ever promise or say and I want us to be together;
* I will not live like this forever, but I am happy. Maybe happy isn't the right word, but I am conent. I am OK with giving him the time and space that he needs;
* In the meantime, I AM happy with my life, with what I do, and with what I've learned about myself. He said "I know that," and I said, "Good. I'm glad you know that."
He said, "Of course that matters to me. I'm not happy with where we are." I said, "Then figure out where you want to be instead."
So I figured we were heading for a BIG talk soon...and it came a few days later. I made the appt. with the mortgage broker, and H was really wound up about it--wanted to get our story straight about how we got into this mountain of debt, etc. Total concern about reputation and loss of face--textbook MLC guilt. I affirmed and validated and waited for him to start whatever he was going to talk about--I'm not afraid of anything he might say anymore. This convo was unusual in that it was very affirming of me:
First he complimented me on my hair and my jewelry--all pieces that he's given me. He said I looked really pretty. He went into financial stuff for a moment--he said, "Obviously I don't want to come back here (to the house) or I would be here," and that the financial issues "complicate things more" for us. He also said he's rally happy at his job for the first itme in a long time and that he thinks about becoming a child pysch. I told him I thought he'd be great at that. And he would.
He said, "I don't understand why you're still around. Who would blame you if you got swept off your feet and snatched up by someone else?"
Well, duh. That was an inside thought. Outside I just listened.
He went on, "If I were in your situation, I'd have kicked the sh!t out of someone by now and locked you out of the house." I immediately went for humor and said, "Well, you're too big for me to kick the sh!t out of, H. I just planned on killing you in your sleep." He started to laugh and said, "Kill me in my sleep...That's funny! I like it!" I smiled and said, "Yeah," and then went totally deadpan and said, "Don't think I didn't think about it." He went a little pale and said, "Seriously?" and I laughed and said, "No!" and then deadpan again, "But it makes you pause, doesn't it?" We both laughed at this point.
He said that people think we're already D'ed. I asked who, and he told me about some people at work who are fishing for info--clearly some kind of convo has been going on in his school.
By now I was crying, and he said that he was talking about me crying and how I'm NOT a big crier, which I found remarkable because I feel like I cry at the drop of a hat, but he said he meant that I don't cry in a manipulative way. Apparently this was in a convo with his mother. He described an incident to her when we watched "The Muppets Christmas Scpecial" and how they flashed onto Jim Henson and I burst into tears. I remembered exactly what he was talking about and laughed and said, "I guess that's pretty silly," and he got a huge smile on his face and said, "No. Not at all." He looked at me so lovingly. I said, "I guess I must feel safe crying in front of you. I don't do that with many people."
Then we talked about he house. He said, "If money grew on trees, I would pay off all the debt and this house and sign it over to you." I said, "But I don't want it, " and he seemed shocked, like he hasn't heard this the umpteen times I've said it over the past 3 years. So we talked about the value of selling vs. waiting. He said, "It's funny...this would be the perfect time to just be here and be content with this place," like he meant for both of us to be here. I just agreed.
He said, "I wasn't good to you, not as a husband and not as a friend." I told him that that isn't true, but he kept going. He said, "I tried to be a good H to you, to be what I thought you wanted , but there were things that bothered me that I never talked about." He said it bothered him that he has no R with any of my family. I said that that may be due to my R with my family, that it's part of my baggage, and he said, "You have no baggage. I know people with baggage. You don't have any." I don't know where he was going with that--it felt a little competitive, actually, so I dropped it. I tired to come back to the deeper aspects of this later, but he said he couldn't think of anything else that bothered him that he didn't talk about, so I encouraged him to share with me if he thought of anything later. To date, that hasn't come up again.
He said that sometimes he thinks that he wants to go off and establish himself somehow doing something, then take care of me and rebuild that way.
I told him that I love him, I want him, I need him, and I want to reconcile and rebuild our M. He said, "I think about how to go back, but I know it can't be like that again." I agreed and added that I don't want how it was, I want something new. He asked, "Do you care that I thought we would be D'ed? I have all the paperwork." I admit that I was surprised to hear this, but I don't know why--I guess because he still has all the forms. I asked if he wants that now, and he said sometimes he thinks so. I just wanted to get out of this part completely, so I said that I didn't care that he felt that way then.
He said, "I have no reason on earth to not want you or need you." He talked about how he's always been moving away from me in our R, first to move out here to the west coast, then another time when he was going to Utah for 6 months. I didn't say that he always ended up coming back.
So by the end, I was still crying a lot. He was very concerned for me and said, "I don't want you to be upset." I said, "It's not you, H. I'm not upset by you." He said, "It's an upsetting situation." I agreed and asked, "Are you upset by it?" and he said, "Yes," and looked like he was trying not to cry. This is eons away from the talk we had on New Year's Eve when he implied that he was too detached from the situation to be upset. I said ILY, and he said it back--it actually sounded real.
Nothing has really changed between us since this convo. I told him once recently that I would like to see him more often, especially on the weekends, but not enough time has passed for me to see any results. He called me one morning at work to tell my something about hockey--that hasn't happened in about forever. Baby steps...
That's it. Thanks to anyone who got through it all. Thoughts?
Our refi somehow went wonky when the woman who handles the signing told me H has to be there as well because he co-owns the house--apparently this lender is quite picky about this. I couldn't get a hold of H, and she told me that she could come in on Sat. AM to meet him and have him sign--that I just needed to call her cell number. I called and called, and she never responded. I hope she's OK, but I hope even more that our deal hasn't been lost. This was the end of the time period allowed to get it all done, otherwise we lose the rate we locked in on.
Plus the kids are winding up at school, and we had the science expo and an art auction, and I think I might have a cold because I wasn't feeling too great.
And that was all on top of me going a little nuts in my head because I haven't heard from or seen too much of H this week. I left a v-mail about the final signing and asked for his help with other stuff--remained vague deliberately so he would call. He did and said he didn't want to be at the signing--this was obviously before we found out he needed to be there. I was so disappointed. Big red flag: EXPECTATIONS. I dwelled on it all day. I couldn't shake it off.
And he's tanning again, which always meant that he was going somewhere with ow. Asking him about it didn't do any good last Sat., because why would I believe him when he said he wasn't going anywhere? He came over yesterday and was noticably darker, so I asked again, and he said he wants to go somewhere fun but isn't going anywhere. I said, "I want to go somewhere fun. Let's go somewhere together." He was uncomfortable, but I continued, saying, "It would be so nice to get away together." He said, "Yes, it would be nice to get away." I grabbed him by the shoulders and said, "NO. I said it would be nice to get away TOGETHER." He said, "Yes, I was agreeing with you. That would be great. But I know how I am." I have no idea what that was about. I said, "It would be nice to go away together and leave everything behind and just be thankful for every day we spent together." He agreed. Then he left.
So then I called Virago and went for a counseling/ tarot reading session. I walked in and she said, "You look funky. What's wrong?"
We talked for over an hour, and I realized that I have done some major backsliding recently. I got all crazy in my head letting my imagination run away with me, worrying aout money and the future of our R. I don't even know when I went off track, but I think it was just this week. I need to get focused again and put the brakes on all the negative thoughts whirling around in my brain. I went for a long walk last night and that helped.
So lesson learned: I need to go back to the beginning and really monitor myself for negativity. Get focused on my own growth and healing and not play the shoulda-coulda-woulda game. Stop wondering about where he is and who he's with and when he's going to get it together. Quit wishing and simply BE.
Those are my profound thoughts for the day. Be well, friends. Happy June!!!
((amd)) It's been a long road, you've been a rock. Are you ok with the path you're on or are 180's in order with your H?
This is always a stressful time of year for you, let some of it go until school is out and you'll have a clearer mind to deal with the rest of the load.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks WCW! You're right on about the time of year. I need to slow down to one day at a time.
I feel like I've done so many 180s through out this process that I'm in danger of ending up back where I started. He is not in contact much this week, so I'm just leaving him be--didn't even call when the Penguins lost the Stanley Cup finals. I left a VM this morning to say hello, but that was it. I think my 180s right now are along the lines of just leaving him alone and refocusing on me.
To take care of myself this week, I went to yoga on Thursday and out with work friends last night for drinks, then on to a production of Rocky Horor Picture Show. I have never seen the stage production--didn't even know there was one, actually--and had a BLAST! An actor tried to take me up on the stage at the end, but I wouldn't go--I'm happy to dance anonymously in the audience, but onstage is a different story! Today I'm cleaning and organizing--good feng shui in that. Tomorrow I may go see the "Sex and the City" movie with FF. So lots of nice things for myself and little dwelling on my situation. When I think of H, I say a little prayer for his healing and move on.
Hmmm...no sooner did I post this than H walked in the door. We had a little chitchat and some tea. We talked about the Penguins and hockey. We talked about money. Nothing big, just about when the check from the refi will arrive, the balance in our account right now, etc. I asked about all the gorceries he's been buying, because I know they aren't fo rhim, and he admitted that he's been buying food for those two young men that he's friends with--former students who he's stayed close to for a long time now. The point I wanted to get across was that we need to think about our own needs first, and I think he heard me.
Then he said that he's thought about coming over here a couple of times during the week but thought it was too late and didn't want to bug me. I told him I'm always happy to see him and that later means I have an excuse to pull him into bed with me.
When he left, he said he'd probably be back soon. Maybe so, maybe not. Either way, I'm making myself a nice dinner. Too bad he can't eat any of it--he's doing that weird cleasing diet when you drink salt water and then some kind of mixture of water, maple syrup,lemon juice, and cayenne. No, I'm serious, he is. Sounds crazy to me, but whatever. I'm glad that I'm not a perosn with body image issues, I guess.
I need to go back to the beginning and really monitor myself for negativity. Get focused on my own growth and healing and not play the shoulda-coulda-woulda game. Stop wondering about where he is and who he's with and when he's going to get it together. Quit wishing and simply BE.
Hi amd,
Havne't posted to you before but I thought this quote above was so great. I am going to try to use it to regain some much needed focus for myself too! Sounds like you are doing a really great job with staying active, GAL activities. I hope I can get there one day!!
Thanks for dropping by, Purr! As you can see from my registration date, I've been at this a long time and I still went off the rails and didn't even realize it for a bit. Don't get discouraged. Someone had a great quote in their signature line once that I've always remembered: seven times down, eight times up. It does get easier.
He described an incident to her when we watched "The Muppets Christmas Scpecial" and how they flashed onto Jim Henson and I burst into tears. I remembered exactly what he was talking about and laughed and said, "I guess that's pretty silly," and he got a huge smile on his face and said, "No. Not at all." He looked at me so lovingly. I said, "I guess I must feel safe crying in front of you. I don't do that with many people." 
So we talked about the value of selling vs. waiting. He said, "It's funny...this would be the perfect time to just be here and be content with this place," like he meant for both of us to be here. I just agreed.