hey sandi2 thankx so much for taking the time with me, sometimes i feel ill loose my mind. fyi was with om age 15-17 lost all to him very willingly!!!! thought he was the one even at that age, he is 2yrs older grad before me moved on blah blah!! never ever let him go completly, needless to say put on back burner had a life college, marrage, 2 beautiful kids, never ever letting anyone else that close besides my kids. my marrage is to a totally different type of man than was my type, hes safe, predictable. about 2-3 yrs into our marrage any feelings i had left along with any passion, sex maybe 1x ev mo or two, totally for his benifit, wake u up blah blah you get the idea!!! so i can take care of myself, work, kids, friends, together but not!!! meanwhile always thinking the om would show up someday!!! jan 08 there he is, started inocently, catch up my heart already totally comitted. he says hes in exact same sitch. but not willing to leave trapped into this 2nd marrage as she got pregnant. continute to talk 2 mo. very sexually explicit im hooked, nothing at home and its HIM!!!!!! so i fly to where he lives now, spent an amazing day caught up on EVERYTHING! home cant continue this life anymore with or without o/m ask husband to leave. please know over yrs tried EVERYTHING to ignite marrage, talk, hotel rooms,you name it NOTHING, and even an occasional laugh at me it was 20+ yrs. of humilation. please know im attractive, work out, educated i didnt get it!!!! cont relationship with plans to meet again, my husb snooped found emails printed, plane ticket!! wasnt pretty. om ran away wich kills me how do u just turn your back!!!! screwed by the two men i let close. now husband willing to do whatever takes, dates, sex, dinner, talk!!!!!!! i would not have done what i did if i still had feelings for husband, and i will always love om!!! cant get out of my head, heart. its awful, im depressed, useless to kids, work, this recovery of second leave by om is a killer. as far as husband goes, tryn not feelin love, owe it to all involved in my life. also uncovered serious fincial info with husb. just want to run away!!!!! hows that for drama.... i need to get a hold of my self, my life. CAN NOT STOP THINKIN OF OM its pathetic. HELP
OM obviously doesn't want you so you need to drop that addiction. Also, my guess is that most of what he told you was a lie. If he wasn't happy with the current marriage he would have left. Men who are unhappy and "have a place to go" (OW) leave. He isn't doing it. OM is a fantasy. What you are thinking about him, and what he is, are two VERY different things.
Anyhow.... my suggestion to you, is rather than try to force feelings that aren't there with your H, I think you should tell him you'd like to take things slow and start as friends. I think you need to give each other space, time to heal and work towards developing a friendship.
Be patient.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Come on now, Puppy ... maybe English is or is not her first language, or maybe JC is a really confused soul and her words are just pouring out.
JC, Runningoutoftime has a wise suggestion. You can't force your feelings to be there. You both need your space right now. Don't be afraid to tell your H that's what you need.
JC, I know the feeling that you will loose your mind very well! My blood pressure must have stayed sky-high all the time and I was probably as close to a nervous break-down as I've ever been or want to be. Honey, I do understand.....I really do. I did not have a long lost love, like you, but mine was an on-line EA that is very embarrassing to even tell. However, I have told it several times just so that I may be able to help just one person not make the same mistake that I did and not allow it to go any farther than it already has. I know that yours is not an on-line A but it is an A of the heart and it hurts just as bad.
I have to be honest with you and tell you that I was never rejected by a man, so I don't know the hurt it must cause. However, I always thought that if I had been rejected that that would cause me to be able to get over him more quickly due to "pride". I would probably die before he would know that I was pinning away for him. There was one time in high school that I had a pretty big crush on a boy that I had hoped would end up being my steady boyfriend but he dated another girl....so I guess you could say that that was somewhat of a rejection....not near what you've been through, but just to try to make a comparison, I remember that I simply fought to not allow myself to like him. I did everything to think about anything but him and to stay as busy as I could. I especially worked real hard on me, improving myself every way that I could. I was determined that he would not break my heart and that I would get over him. I know that was a long, long time ago.....and it was high school and this is adult R's we are talking about here. Somehow, I think I would still be the same. In fact, I kept thinking that if my OM on line would just say or do something that would cause me not to like him.....or he would "reject" me.....it would make it so much easier for me to forget him and get on with my life with my H.
Oh, I hope that telling you all this does not make you feel worse, b/c I'm strictly talking about my feelings and not yours. But, I am hoping that you have enough self pride and spunk that you will be determined that you will not allow yourself to be love sick over this OM. He had his chance with you and he blew you off. That should be enough to tell you where he stands. It's rather convenient that his W is pregnant and I'm not saying that she really isn't, but I think if he was as in love with you as you feel you are for him.....he would have told you that after the baby was born he would leave his W or work something out to be with you. But, he didn't.
Professionals say that love is a "choice".....well, I believe that making up your mind to get over a person is a choice also. Nobody can do this for you.....only you can do it. And, guess what? It is as hard a thing as you will ever do! It is probably harder than trying to have feelings for your own H.
Do you think that the OM was always your lost love and you made him your fantasy? When you felt unhappy in your M, did you think how differently things would have been if only you had M the OM?
We can allow ourselves to get to a really bad point. I know b/c I did the same thing with my OM. He was such a fantasy that no man could have lived up to the image I had made of him.
I am having problems with my computer and have to shut down for now. But, I will talk to you more later. Please take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi thankx for taking time to chat, i appreciate it!!! couple of things, i think this is so hard for me for few reasons, he is the only man to ever "blow me off" not used to that at all! he is couple years older and moved on after school, his page long apologie letter asked me to forgive his immatuity, he said he also thought of me, driving by my house etc!! he should have stopped the car!!! he knows just the attitude, the way to melt me, no one else ever has, maybe its just wanting what cant have but it fees like its the death of something i was so sure would happen for so long, he ended his last email i still love you, ill always love you!! how do you close the door on something so open ended. always had this conviction we would end up together just a feeling! so to see him at my age after all these years and have it feel so right, and yet not amount to anything espically at this point in my life it is devistating! his wife trapped him with her pregnancy 20yrs ago, he says the reason he married her. i'm sure over the years ive built him apedistal but im not unrealistic, he is on his second marrage, its the way i feel when i'm with him that attracts me. trying to move on but difficult. my husband is full steam ahead!!!! boggles my mind how someone goes from nothing to acting the way he is now, its very confusing. trying to close the door on one, not sure if theres enough left for my husband, will try weekend away, i don't think love is a choice, i think it's a natural attraction, this is all so difficult!
JC, my heart goes out to you sweetie, b/c I know that your heart is probably closed to your H and all you can think about is your first love which is this OM. I don't know if he has that big of an ego or if he thought it would help you by telling you he would always love you, however, I would not put a huge amount of what you would like for it to mean into what he said. I think he said that just as a way of trying to say a "sweet" good-bye. In other words, it is about the same as us telling our H's that I love you but I'm not in love with you or I still care about you but I don't love you.
I've heard people say different things about their first love, like it is always special and nobody truly replaces that, etc. But I believe if you make up your mind that you will not allow him to steal your "life" away from you like this......you can make it work with your H. I think that you never let go of the "dream"....and that is why you always felt destined to be with your OM. It was as if you had him in the other wings waiting for you in case your M did not work out. But, sweetie, he has been M two times.....did he come looking for you either time or between the two M? He knew that you would leave your H right now to go with him if he would leave his W. But, he gave an excuse and maybe he thought he was letting you down gently by saying all that stuff.....who knows. When he said he would always love you, I think he meant that you would always be his first love and hold that special place in his heart, but I don't think he wants a life with you or he could have had it. Another thought is that if he would cheat on the W he has now.....what's to say he would not cheat on you if he M you? Who is to say that he may not have another lover on the side somewhere? He could be very slick......charming, but slick.
So.....it is a very bitter pill to swallow, I know. I think your H should give you time to adjust to the idea that you will not be going off into the sunset with your dream lover and will remain in your M. Your H is probably trying "too hard" to make you happy and want to stay with him and thereby smothering you. You will have to tell him to back away and give you breathing room and space for a while. In my opinion, most women do not or cannot stop desiring the OM and suddenly start back desiring the H they were considering leaving. If your H truly loves you, then he will give you time to work this out in your own heart and be able to open up to him. But he needs to not pressure you or it will make it worse.
Just remember that the longer you give the OM your thoughts and energy....the more of your life is being wasted. He is not going to give up his life he has now to come get you, so you are going to have to give up that old dream of him coming up on his white horse to save you from your dreary life. I understand, b/c that is what my fantasy was also.
You have boosted the OM's ego a lot by letting him know that you still cared for him after all these years. If you told him what you've told us about never getting over him and always thought the two of you were meant to be together.....I'm sure he loved hearing that and it really swelled his head. But, I hope he will not contact you again and hint at false hope only to set you up for more disappointment and hurt. Don't give him that power, sweetie.
I've never been M but to one man, but I think you would have to look at your stitch almost as if the OM had died. As if you had been M to this OM and he died and you had to move on with your life without him. You would grieve over him for a while, but your better senses would tell you that you had to keep living......but without him. Somehow, you will have to think of him as though he was "dead" to you now. Otherwise, I'm afraid you will continue to hang on to that old dream of your "destiny".
You said you did not believe that love is a "choice" and I fully understand where you are coming from. You have missed the "passion" in your M and that is what you are wanting now.
I do believe you can choose to take control of your life and stop giving the control to the OM. Try setting personal goals about what or how you are going to set about getting over the OM.
First, you know that there cannot be any contact....ever again. That is the toughest part. But, if he were dead....that is the way it would be!
Then start with baby steps. Make little goals for just a day at a time until you feel yourself getting stronger. For an example, tomorrow when you start to feel yourself falling into that feeling of despair over him.....what can you do to forbid your heart from reacting to that? Even if your emotions don't want to cooperate.....what can you do to get through for one hour? Then the next hour, etc, until you can make an entire day. Then go to the next day.
I believe in making short term goals for ourselves when we are in this condition b/c the long term gets to looking too defeating for us. (Don't know if that is proper grammar or not, but you know what I'm trying to say.)
If you want to make just two goals to start with for tomorrow....you can list them here and we will do our best to support you and cheer you on. I know,and every woman that has been in your shoes or close to the same stitch knows what you are feeling right now. It is hard and it hurts! But you've got to do it....and only you have the power to chose to do it. I hope you will make that choice. Forget a future with him. It was your sweet teenage dream that you carried around for all these years.....it is time to bury it. Make a life with your H. At least pour all you can into the M and know that you gave it your best.
I'm here whenever you need to talk. Take care of yourself. I realize that this takes a toll on your body, mind and soul.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Dear sandi your last post to me was so helpful, i printed it and read it when i need hope. thank you for finding the right words to help. i believe god sends angels without wings to help your mine. this is so silly but its the most painful time for me. as i try to move past this which i know will take time, i now need to deal with issues with H, the reason this all started some yrs ago, somehow they are more life impactful, but with less emotion, and heartbreak, in comparrison. my two goals for now are not picking up the phone or email, ill read your letter instead. trying to find something to fight for in my marrage, not much feeling there now. sandi sending you hugs thank you jc
Now you have me crying! You are so sweet and I know you want to get through this and do the right thing......and the best for everyone. That being said......and truth be known.....it does not make it one bit easier, does it? Nope! I'll answer that b/c I've been there. I knew I was doing wrong. I knew what was right and what was best for everyone.....but it did not make it any easier. But, I think when we do get through the bad part of it.....the really painful part and we start seeing out from under the fog a little bit.....we start to gain momentum and can at least have some energy to apply toward our M.
No, you will not have much "feelings" toward your H. And by that I mean.....no feelings...period. You may feel completely void of anything for a while. In some ways, that might be a blessing in disguise b/c when there are really bad feelings between the H & W......that brings on another whole batch of problems to deal with. If you H can back off and give you time and space.....that will be the best thing he can do for you right now. You need to tell him or he will continue to smother you b/c he is scared and he is trying to keep from losing you. Tell him that you are going to remain in the M, but that he has to help by backing off and giving you time to work on yourself. That might sound easier for him to hear rather than tell him you are trying to grieve over a lost love.
I know from my own experience and from what other women have said that it takes time before the attraction stage returns to the R. You may or may not have any desire for sex with your H for a while. Every woman is different along those lines. Some need to have sex for the physical release, etc. Some can't stand the idea of the H touching them. So, don't beat yourself up for not having the "correct" feelings that you think you should be having by a certain time. B/c "time" is what it is going to take.
Remember that the motto here is "baby steps". Just a baby step a day will finally get you there. Don't try to make too many goals at once b/c you will set yourself up for failure and then you will be depressed and really beat yourself up.....and feel like giving up. We don't want that to happen. That is why I'm going to be right here with you to help you through this....okay? Not that I'm such a "winner" by any means, just that I think I understand what you are going through.
Take care of yourself. That is important. Read good inspirational books (if you like to read). Stay away from those "romantic novels"....they are killers for us that thrive on those fantasies. Do something on purpose that will make you feel good about yourself b/c I know that your self esteem is probably low right about now. You need to feel good about you. Start with forgiving yourself. Even when I asked God to forgive me......I couldn't seem to forgive myself. It was there staring me in the face all the time. The guilt was eating me up. We can't heal if we have the guilt and we can't get over the guilt until we forgive ourselves. So, sweetie, forgive yourself for having fallen in love with a young man that held on to your heart for a long time. Know that he will always have a special place in your memories and maybe even in your heart, but as I told you last time, you must treat it as though he has died to you and you have to move on. You will come out of this a better person b/c you are going to heal and you are going to do a lot of self improvement (b/c we are going to work on this together....okay?) and you are going to like yourself a whole lot better. Then you will be able to like your H! That's a good starting place.....don't you think?
I'll check on you tomorrow, but know that I'm here every night and sometimes I get a chance to check my posts at lunch time.
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
having a hard day today, dont feel much like talking, spent most crying. i cant believe hoe much i hurt. i wonder if hes thinking about me. confused about life with h. thankx for being there jc
