I was just catching up with you when I read the comment about your wife punishing you via your D. It sounded just right to me. And also, like it was mentioned, at some point she will have to realise that D is yours as much as she is hers. She can not dictate to you what to do with YOUR D. I understand that you are staying low for reasons that you know best (Legal& DBing), but I think you have every right to get fed up with it and maybe talk to your L about it, see what he says.
It seems wierdly like this is all more about doing all this to punish you for something than Divorcing you.
...and I totally agree. It is too weird. It is like she doesn't know what she really wants.
At one point, way back in November, she said she wanted to D me and then have us live side-by-side in condos and I'd come over all the time and see D5. I told her she is nuts if she thinks I'd be ok w/ that arrangement and seeing her constantly w/ other men. She said "I didn't think of that" so I'm not sure what she wants.
You and Kalni are both right to know that she's going to hit a wall soon over not being able to control D all the time. It may end up being worse if we do in fact get 50/50 time and have joint custody - which I'm PRAYING for. I know I've had issues w/ OCD and a fear of losing control and I'm dealing with them. However, my W has some big time control issues that are starting to rise to the surface.
I'm so saddened to hear your H doesn't seem to care. You two have been through the fires and survived and now he's checking out again. It is heartbreaking.
As for my situation, I only wish I could have been playing as much golf as I'm being accused of playing. I was lucky if I hit a bucket of balls twice a month and got on the course once in a month. She makes it sound like I was on the PGA tour for 8 months and never home. If that is the case, then where is all my prize money?????? ... and my super hot Swedish nanny????????
I'm very fed up w/ it, but I'm trying to do the legal thing and the DB thing at the same time and they sometimes conflict.
My DB coach thinks I should get her to tell her tales on the record as I can't let those accusations stand w/out a challenge. Even if she lies under oath, I'll have the transcripts and can tell my D when she's much, much older there is no way I'd have any visitation rights w/ her if any of W's stories were true. I will be able to tell her I fought them and the courts saw through them.
Our on/off saga continued today. W sent an e-mail thanking me for protecting our D so she won't be treated as a "pet" for my mother and sister. She also said she was concerned for my dad and wanted me to tell him she's praying for him.
Around 11:45, I got a call from D who was w/ W and her niece. I talked a short bit w/ D and then W said she wanted to talk w/ me. She asked me what I was planning on telling D about why her papa wouldn't be coming back w/ us from Tahoe and I said I didn't know, but I'd tell our D about it. I kept the conversation brief, told W to congratulate her niece on her upcoming graduation and said bye.
I got a playful text from W at 2:45 telling me D was currently in a bounce house at a party and had been in for 90 minutes. We joked back and forth, then she got serious and asked me if I was ok about my father's surgeries. I thanked her for asking and told her I was glad he was getting them done b/c it will mean less pain and more comfort for him.
That was basically it. It is interesting however, how when OM isn't around, she looks to lean on me. I'm starting to feel as if we will get D, but may be one of those couples who gets together again after the D. W's life w/ OM has to crash 1st and then she has to lose on custody and parenting time. Once those events happen, and not necessarily in that order, I think she'll be left wondering what she's done and why she did it.
Thus, I'll stay optimistic and still keep the door open a crack. However, I'm not sure how long it will be open for her and if she takes too long, I'm not very confident I'll still be around.
I'm not giving up hope and not giving up my DBing efforts in the slightest, but I am looking realistically into my future and I now can see that I'll be ok regardless of what happens.
I just got back after going out tonight to see that band I mentioned in another post. They are so good w/ the classic rock they play that it is too enjoyable to not go.
Anyway, it was again good to be out and about and I was picked up by two women tonight, one of which gave me her number when she left. I'll admit it is flattering, but even as I was dancing, I didn't want to be out on the floor w/ someone other than my W. I didn't keep the phone number as I was never going to use it. It is a nice ego boost to be hit on, but I didn't really want it. I want my W back. That is still where I am.
Oh, well. At least I know that I'll be ok when and if I need to be out there on my own again. That doesn't mean I have to want to be there, but at least I know I'll be ok and people still find me attactive. That helps. It really does.
However... I still miss my W. I miss my partner and my friend.
RTL & KerryK, The computer world is either Second Life or Second World, people have avitars and apparently live out situations in this virtual world. I have done research and there have been many divorces involving this. I guess people live out their fantasies and it is very seductive. My H does not see this as an addiction , yet it has negatively impacted every aspect of his life. I am not exaggerating, every moment he is not sleeping , working or eating , he is in this world. He blames me, says he is avoiding me, or he says he is doing work or whatever. Even his health has suffered because he lives sitting in a chair in front of the computer.It is hell to live with and I am really thinking of being a WAW, because this is no life for me.I have tried everything I can think of, however , after reading sitchs on this board I am thinking of GAL. I have tried it before and he didn't even notice. Perhaps the problem was that I was doing it to get him away from the computer. Maybe if I just did it for me and made myself happy he would react differently
RTl, I know exactly how you felt last night. I have been "hit on" at the gym and at work. While I found it flattering, especially at my age, it just made me want my H more. All I could think about is why can't he be like this? But , like you say, it should tell us that if the marriage ends , there is hope we will find a good relatioship
Your sitch makes me so sad. I'm sorry you are doing this w/ your H again. You already survived a near D and now this. I'm so saddened by this.
However, I do feel that if you GAL for the right reasons this time - YOU - it will have better results. You will see that your life will continue and be fulfilling regardless of what W chooses to do.
Well, it is safe to say I had a very interesting day. I was called at 9:30 by W who told me D had head lice. They were frantically trying to get it out of her hair and W as terrified that she would have it too.
We talked for 10 minutes about what to do and what I needed to do around the house then I went about vacuuming the entire place and washing all of D's clothes, stuffed animala, and both of our bedding.
I looked up some information on head lice and found some products to use and some general info. which was helpful and I passed them along via e-mail to W. W called and I talked w/ D a bit as they were heading to W's sister's house. After we hung up, D sent me a text which is pure gibberish, but so cute that she's trying to text me.
Anyway, just before 7 here (10 pm in Indiana), I get a call from D as they she is still up b/c they are putting treatment into her hair for the lice. She hangs up and then W calls back a few minutes later and she is in tears. She is sobbing to me about how she has lice as well and not only is she grossed out by it, but she thinks she may have to cut off most of her hair to get it out. W has been growing out her hair for some time and it looks wonderful, so I know she is crushed about this.
Hey if any of you w/ kids have gone through this, I'd LOVE to hear any suggestions that I may be able to pass on to W to help w/ her sitch.
I started to tell her about the articles I'd sent and she quickly said "Sue is a hairdresser and she said she doesn't know how to get them out w/out cutting my hair and my mom has been in elementary schools for years and she's never seen lice this bad on anyone." Right there, I stopped trying to "solve her problem" and just said, "yes, you are right" and let her keep talking. She told me that D was hysterically crying b/c they were combing out the lice and it pulled on her hair and the medicine stung her scalp a bit b/c her skin is still so tender (this didn't surprise me b/c when I treated myself today, it stung like mad when I got a bit in my eye on accident).
Anyway, we talked for about 7 minutes, then D called back just to say goodnight a few minutes later and that was it. W then started talking w/ me via texts and I did my best to affirm her feelings. I said things like "I know how upset you must be" and "I'm so very sorry b/c you have worked hard on your hair" and finally I said "I wish it was me and not you b/c my hair is so short and wouldn't cause much of a problem."
I hope these are good affirming statements as I really tried hard to not put the focus on me and what I thought. I tried to come across as listening and understanding her fear, anger, and frustration. However, now that I read them, I'm thinking I should have said, "this must be really hard on you" or something that didn't use "I" in it, but I'm not really sure if that was possible given today's circumstances.
Anyway, I hope I did well enough. W did send a final text saying she had cried so much she had a migraine and I replied asking if she had her medicine w/ her and that I hope she'll get rest. I also said there may be something else you'll discover tomorrow that will help w/out cutting all your hair. She didn't reply but again, I hope I am saying things correctly as affirming is not one of my strong points.
One positive is I didn't offer to help or say "is there anything I can do for you?" b/c that would be me trying to rescue her, so at least I was able to do that. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. They are small, but they all add up.
I haven't been able to check up on anyone else, so I hope all of you are doing well and I'll try to get in touch w/ your threads tomorrow. Just know I'm thinking about all of you.
