You and Jeff are right. I do need to let my L handle things and I will. I just don't like having to do this, but I'm not the one bringing it on -- she is. Also, as you mentioned, I'll need this as evidence if I'm forced to use it in our settlement.
Jeff, you too are correct, that she'll be embarassing herself and I won't have to. Still, I don't like having to go through it, but it is a legal matter.
I'll be sure to tell my L my goal isn't to humiliate W or to even get nasty and fight. What I want is simply the truth and her explanations on the record as to how she can say these horrible things about me and then act in ways that go against everything she's accusing me of doing.
That is why I have to do this. I have to do it for myself, my name, my reputation, and my D.
Ok, this update is long, so I hope you'll read it all...
Well, W sent a text to me around 12:30 letting me know that Indiana was 3 hours ahead for my calls while they are gone and asking if I wanted to pick up D earlier. I told her I would and as I was going to meet them, W told me they were still in the restaurant and asked if I could meet them there. She apologized and I told her she had nothing to apologize for and meeting at the restaurant was fine.
When I got there, D wanted to go into the water fountains and play, so I walked out to W's car to get D's things and then W offered to walk us to my car and then to the water fountain play area. While we were walking, D was holding our hands and asked us to swing her, so we did -- it was nice just like it used to be.
Anyway, W told D goodbye and we went to the restroom to change her into her suit. D was splashing around when I decided to take off my shoes and socks and roll up my slacks and join her. I thought, "she's only going to be 5 once" and joined in w/ the fountains. We had fun, but after 20+ minutes or so, D wanted to get out and get back dressed, so we did. We then spent 15 min. or so at the little playground in the mall then hit the Disney store.
This Disney store is closing, so they had wonderful sales on everything. I got a little Ariel toy set for D at +50% off and then picked up a Winnie the Pooh portriat for W. It was 70% off and she loves Pooh, so I spent the $15 on it for her. I'll give it to her sometime well down the road and act like I've had it for a while or something, but I know she'd have wanted it, especially at that price, so I couldn't resist.
While we were goofing around, W sent texts asking for directions to a nearby Lowe's and later another one asking if D was having fun. Her actions today showed that she wanted to communicate w/ me and have me involve her in our plans.
It is a small baby step, I know, but it is a step to be sure. Maybe Tomato was right when he said the weather changes may melt the "ice queen" a bit. Not getting too high, but definitely taking stock of the small things.
We stopped at Target and I bought a new US flag -- someone STOLE my old one! Who steals a US Flag off of someone's porch, anyway? I then stopped into Best Buy and got a steal on a boom box for my iPod so D and I can have "dance parties" at home.
We then went for a bike ride - D rode, I chased - when we got home and D was doing great until she wiped out and scraped her knee. Of course we were the farthest point from the house, but I had her sit on the bike and I steered it home. D cried off and on about her skinned knee and I just kept telling her how proud I was of how she rode today and that we'd get back at it tomorrow.
We got home and I doctored the knee - complete w/ SpongeBob band-aids - and hung out and watched movies. She called W and told her about her knee and W was a bit freaked out, so she asked to talk w/ me. I reassured her that D was fine and it was a normal beginner bike riding spill. W was crying and I asked if she was ok.
She then opened up and said she had a terrible week at work and her best friend Amanda had to put their dog down. She told me her boss - who I've nicknamed Cruella after the Dalmations villain, so you get the type of person we're dealing w/ here - took away her office and her American Lit classes. She said Cruella also banished her friend to another building, so W was very upset. W used the term "banished" for herself and her new office, so I know she's torn up about it.
I told her she was an excellent teacher, yone would love to have her and she didn't have to stay and take that crap. W's response was "but my friends are all here." I replied, "they'll be your friends regardless of where you work." W didn't reply.
It was interesting to have her open up to me tonight. Her perfect world at work is unravelling and that has thrown her off. Maybe this will help spark something else in her that will be a positive. Who knows? All I know is she's now further away from OM's office and that may end up helping things too.
So, tonight was good. I had small steps w/ W and she opened up and cried about work things w/ me. I was very supportive and encouraging. I asked her what I can do to help her and offered to assist her in any way that will make things easier on her.
I didn't do too much, but I showed I cared. She softened a bit. Maybe it is a one-time thing, or maybe it is a start. Either way, I'll not expect nice things tomorrow, so I'll be plesantly surprised if they do show up.
Hey, Kerry. I was posting my update while you were writing, so I didn't see it.
Well, I've thought that one through and if that does come to pass, I won't let W back into my good graces very easily. We'll need to be apart and "date" again before I can make any judgments on our future - or if there is going to be one.
She'd also have to agree to joint and individual counselling and do something about her drinking. I've suffered a lot through this, so I won't be letting her destroy me again. Once is enough. I'm different and stronger. I know that I love her and want her to be w/ me and us to be a family again, but I am also 100% convinced that I don't NEED her to be happy.
I'm different. I'm better. I've grown. Any reunion w/ W will be on terms I'm comfortable with or there won't be one at all. I miss her and love her still, but I can't allow myself to be destroyed again. What message would that send to my D?
So, I do have the guard up and I'm being very careful. If the fall happens in the near future, I think I'll be around for her to try again w/ me. If it takes longer, I'm pretty confident I'll be elsewhere.
My day started around 3 am when D came in told me she had a bad dream. I took her back to her room and laid w/ her until she fell asleep, but you know how tough it is to sleep after you've been up for a while, so I'm a bit "knackered" as Ali would say.
On the way to school, D asked if she could call W, so we did and she left a message for her. D then asked if she could call W's mother, so I dialed them up in Indiana. "Grandma Indiana" wasn't home, but D talked to Grandpa for a few minutes, then D asked him "Do you want to talk to my Daddy?" He said yes and D handed me the phone.
Ok, I was a bit concerned w/ what he might say to me, especially considering his letter about me. To my surprise, he was very pleasant and at least faked like he was glad to talk w/ me. Who knows? Maybe he actually was glad to hear from me. In any event, our short conversation was nice and pleasant and not uncomfortable. So, that was interesting and maybe significant, or maybe not.
RTL, The truth is a powerful thing. You are using it to win in the long run. It may take time but it will allow you to win out in the end. Your remarks are proof that you have grown and as long as you know that you and your D are better off, you will now benefit from it.
As for loving our STBXs, I think we always will. We made a huge investment to them and shared many good times with them. In our cases, brought a new life into the world with them. They will always have a small portion of our hearts but it simply was not meant to be for whatever reason. All we can do is grow from it and go on from there.
Again, keep doing what you are doing. You may not see the dividends now but they will come for all of us...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
ND - I think the waiting is the part that is so difficult. I believe in my heart that being truthful and taking the high road will pay off. I know they say that "nice guys finish last" but I can't believe that is the case here. However, it is still difficult to sit and wait.
You are spot on in your comments that we will always have a special place in our hearts for our STBXs. How could we not? We will always be intertwined w/ them as we have a child to bring up in this world together. It is still so very sad that society thinks it is ok to quickly and easily disband your marriage. That is the part that really stinks!
I had sent off a text to W asking her if she received my e-mail from Friday about D's doctor's appointment and having D for the whole week after we return from Tahoe. I also asked her if I could have the air bed to use for my father when he visits after Memorial Day.
W sent me back an e-mail that was a bit terse:
Quote:
You may keep D until Thursday, May 29. We can meet at 12pm on Thursday at a location TBD. I haven't gotten an e-mail about your impressions of the realtors or about the bids. I'll respond to that when I have more information. I would be happy to LOAN you the blow-up mattress for your father's visit.
I replied back nicely telling her I was glad she was able to get my e-mail, that I didn't e-mail her realtor info b/c I didn't know if she had access to her e-mail from home and I asked if we could have the aero bed for my father's visit so he wouldn't have to use a mattress on the ground. I also asked her to have Grace until Friday b/c that would give me 8 days w/ D after W has her for 9. I haven't heard back and may not, but I needed to get it out in writing that I'm asking for fairness and being told no.
I also told W that we were going for sushi tonight at D's request and I'd be happy to order a roll for her to go. I know she loves eating sushi at the place we'll be hitting up, so it seemed only natural to offer.
I was nice in my reply and don't expect to hear from her again on the subject. I like keeping my expectations low b/c it leads to less and less disappointment.
I'll let you know how the rest of the night shapes up.
RTL, It is unfortunate and society has come to a point where things are disposable and replaceable. That was the case with me. I was bascially thrown out and replaced. But we move forward and try again. In a speech somewhere I heard the statement that "a winner is someone who gets up one more time than they get knocked down."
All we can do is get up and move on...
Last edited by NoDirection; 05/13/0809:14 PM.
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
I agree w/ you on that ND. I know Vince Lombardi is famous for saying "It is not important that you get knocked down, but its whether you get up that counts."
We have a choice. We don't have to like it, but we can choose to either stay down and wallow or get back up and try again.
I picked up D and came home to change clothes and shave. Then we went off to Chuck E. Cheese for an hour so D could goof around, climb in the tunnels, play games and cash in her tickets for worthless crap. We went from there to Sushi.
At sushi, I sent a text to W asking if she wanted me to order her anything to go and she replied back w/ a straight "no." Oh, well. I didn't expect to hear anything different, so I acutally wasn't disappointed. After dinner, D and I had our traditional post-sushi race down the length of the strip mall to the grocery store. She won again, just like she always does.
I called W to tell her we were close to the restaurant and then parked next to her and put D's stuff in her car. I then carried D up to W and her friends and told W I'd put D's things in her car. For whatever reason, W gave me a look of disapproval for this, and I basically thought nothing of it. I handed D to W, told her goodbye and left.
At 9:10, my phone rang and it was D calling to tell me goodnight. Now, I've made sure to put this down on the record b/c W is the one who is always complaining that I'm not respecting D's bedtime of 8:30, but here is D calling me at 9:10 while she's w/ W. Thus, I probably won't need to use it b/c it is trivial, but I've got it down to show the hypocracy of W's accusations if I need it.
So, they leave tomorrow for 9 days in Indiana and I'll see D again on the 23rd. I'll miss her and I'm not sure how talkative she'll be w/ me at night, but that is ok. My good friend SPM gave me some information he'd collected which said a child's bond w/ their parents are pretty much cemented by the time they are 5 or 6 and nothing others can say about the parent causes much to change for the child.
This thought bouys my spirits b/c D and I have a great relationship and I know she'll probably hear some bad things said about me in Indiana.
