I'm glad to hear from you. I'm not sure what to do w/ all this. I'll talk w/ my DB coach on Wednesday and see what she says about the desposition. I'm deposing my W to make sure I don't ruin my chances at getting 50/50 parenting time. I'm torn b/c I don't want to put her through it, but on the other hand, if I don't and then lose 50/50 time, I'd never be able to forgive myself. It is tough.
As for the face-to-face conversation, my DB coach says I need to have as little contact w/ her as possible b/c she is so angry w/ me. Thus, I'm afraid that too may be out, however, I'll see what she says about the whole thing on Wednesday morning.
D and I had a good weekend. Today we went to lunch and shopped for a Mother's Day gift for W. D has been asking me for the last two weeks about getting her a gift, so I took her to Target today and D picked out two bracelets and a necklace (the $10 a piece kind - don't think I blew big bucks -- I'm dumb, but not brain dead. She then chose an Ariel gift bag and a SpongeBob Mother's Day card. She filled out the card w/ her name, the names of our dogs and cat and then put Mom on the envelope. I did have to help her w/ the spelling, but the printing was all her. She also decorated the inside w/ pictures, so I think W will like it. She can take back the stuff if she'll never wear it, but they were 100% chosen by D.
On the way home, D wanted to call W and tell her all about watching "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" this morning. W asked to talk to me and said "when did you get the rocker fixed?" (I had her grandmother's child rocker re-caned and gave it back to her last weekend). I told her I had found a place and since I'd been meaning to fix it for the past year and a half and b/c I knew it was important to her, I just went ahead and did it.
She was very greatful and thanked me a few times. They were sincere thank yous, so that was nice. I did it b/c it was the right thing to do and it would be D's in the future. However, it is nice to be thanked for it too. It has been in her trunk all week, so that explains why she hadn't mentioned it to me. I'll admit, I was a bit disappointed not to hear from her about it at first, but then I lowered my expectations to ZERO and forgot about it. That is why today's thank yous from W were able to be welcomed as an unexpected gift. I'd really given up thought of hearing anything at all from her, so it really was unexpected.
D and I then went swimming and then back home to get ready for the drop-off to W at 4:20 today. I gave W the DVD player she asked for and some pictures of D from the Princess party D went to last weekend. She looked so darn cute I thought W would have loved to have seen her, so I made duplicates. Oh, well. W thanked me and I left.
I called for D at 7:27 and left a message for her. W called back at 7:47 to let me talk w/ D for a brief spell. I told her to tell our mutual friends hello for me and was glad to hear that D was having such a great time. They'll enjoy the evening and day tomorrow and it will be nice for W and D to be together on Mother's Day.
I'm still planning on sending a quick note to W's mom tomorrow for Mother's Day and I'm not sure if that will upset W or not. I would have done it regardless, so I need to stay consistent w/ who I am and not lose sight of that throughout this whole thing.
I went to the end of the state baseball final today only to see our team lose 4-1. After that, I came home and grabbed my clubs and hit balls for the 1st time in I don't even know when. Needless to say, I didn't hit them very well, but the main thing was I was out doing something strictly for my benefit only. I came home and grilled up some chicken and I'm going to be heading out shortly to meet up w/ some people for a few drinks. It will be good to get out and do something other than sit here alone. I'm actually GALing today!
Well, I guess the good news on my DB front would be my GALing today and the fact that my W was very nice to me (she was also very pleasant on the phone tonight when she called back for me to speak w/ D). Maybe my act of getting her grandma's rocker fixed softened her for the time being. If I can keep it up, I'll obviously love it, but for now, I'm not going to get ahead of myself and just enjoy the fact that she was nice today, that I had a wonderful time w/ my D, and I'm GALing tonight.
I'll be looking to catch up w/ everyone's threads tomorrow when I'm here in the afternoon.
I hope all is well w/ everyone and I would have checked in, but I didn't want to take away time from being w/ D.
Ok, that is it for now. I'll keep you all in the loop w/ what's going on here.
Thank you so much for your post. If there is real love, then it will prevail. If not, as sad as it is to admit, then I will be better off w/ out her.
I'm sorry to know you had to go through something this nasty, ugly and painful as well. I'm going to continue to take the high road and let my W drag herself through the mud. However, I know I need to do this and I'm still reluctant to do so. I don't want to hurt my W, but I can't lose my D. I need things on the record to be able to show D what happened b/c she will want to know in time.
If it is to be, it will be. You are exactly right. Even if we do divorce, if we are meant to be, we will be in the end. I think our love is true, but I'm not sure if W is willing or able to remember that as well. Only time will tell and hopefully I can have a last-minute save as well. I can only do my best, take the high road, and hope and pray for that outcome.
Thank you again. I'm smiling as I'm responding to you as you've taken some pressure off of me w/ your straight-forward wisdom and story that gives me hope that I'm not lost in all of this.
That was a pretty cool post from bizarre I thought.
More and more I can see the reason behind why your D calls you her "favorite hero". You're incredible man!
And I think underneath all of her many layers of delusional, irrational, distorted stuff, your W knows that you are incredible too. There is a part of me that really believes that she most be in awe of how you manage to surgically defuse all of her mine laying and bomb tossing antics. Sooner or later (if it isn't beginning to occur already) she will have to take a step back and perhaps come to the realization that she is wasting so much time, energy, $, and love that could be hers.
You are surely the one who is progressing in all of this and growing by leaps and bounds. She, on the other hand, is doing the exact opposite. Something tells me that you don't get to be any kind of a professor of anything at any kind of college unless you can put these sorts of things together and know what you have in front of you. These tactics are clearly failing her and she must know it.
RTL, you just keep doing the solid work that you have been doing all along and keep your expectations at a bare minimum. With the temps warming up everywhere it is hard to imagine the "ice queen" not turning to liquid soon.
I'll be praying for the best for you and your family.
RTL, Keep doing what you are doing. I have read a few of teh recent posts and they all seem to be positive. It is part of the progression. I am sure you are seeing the changes in yourself and you know that you are growing. The problem is that your STBX is still blinded by her rage and does not want to see it. Again, we are in very similar situations.
Fight the good fight for you and your D. In the long run, the truth will prevail and everyone will be the wiser for it...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
RTL, you and I are living parallel lives. It's odd, eerie.
The false allegations, the jekyll-and-hyde personality changes. And through it all, you and me both are thinking, "I still love her" and you know what? everyone else looks at us like we are crazy.
Let me just say, I know how you feel and yes, it sounds nutty, and I feel exactly the same way. I want my kids but I don't want to destroy my wife to get them. Not only because I still! hold out some impossible hope that we will reconcile, but more because, as you said, I think regardless what happens, we still need to co-parent. I hate that word, by the way. I don't need my wife as an enemy, and it doesn't help the kids if she is my enemy.
About your daughter - I spoke to a therapist who said, your relationship with your children is defined mostly by the time they are 3 years old. By 5 or 6, it is semi-permanent, cemented. You are who you are to them, already, regardless how much contact you have with them, and regardless of what other people say about you to them. You've established yourself already. Best you can do now is have a great time with her, every time you are with her.
Take the high road, take the high road. Years from now, you will look back on this time. How would you like to see yourself? Be that man.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I was able to talk w/ my D on Saturday night after I got home from the driving range. I then ate dinner and went out to meet up w/ my friends at an Irish bar. There was a great little two-man band there, called the Stones, who were covering all types of songs from REM, Led Zeppelin, Squeeze, Elton John, the Beatles, Wings, and others. They were really, really good and the time passed quickly. Before I knew it, I had consumed 5 pints of Guiness and it was 2 am. However, it was so much fun to get out of the house and have a good time.
I slept in until 9:30 on Sunday, then I met up w/ my good friends from Seattle who had been down for the week in Sedona. We met for brunch and then I led them to the airport. Before I left home to meet them, I sent an e-mail to W's mother wishing her a happy mother's day, then I sent a text to W telling her to enjoy her special day.
After my friends were gone, I called my family for Mother's Day, then laid on the bed to watch some baseball. Well, I got pretty groggy and dozed in and out all day. D called me around 2:30 as she was in the car w/ W. I asked her if she had called W's mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day and she told me she needed to do that and that she'd call right back. Well, she was true to her word as she called back about 5 minutes later. After we talked a bit, she hung up and then started to send texts. They were just letters, but cute nonetheless. I sent texts back to her and she called me again to talk about the texts. It was so incredibly cute.
I pretty much lounged around all day and called D at the usual 7:30 to say goodnight. We only talked for a minute as they had company over and I didn't want to keep her. After that, I did get a few phone calls from friends, but ended up watching "Fly Boys" and going to bed.
I'm still waiting to hear from W on my request to have D w/ me when we return from Tahoe at the end of the month. My request is for less time than W will have w/ her in Indiana, so I'm hoping she doesn't stone-wall me on it. However, if she does, it will only go to reflect poorly on her part, so I'll have to take some small consolation from that.
Well, I'm going to try and catch up w/ everyone's situations later today as I only have to read some evaluations and correct one class of Economics finals.
Tomato - Thanks for the encouragement. Like you, I'm hoping that she'll thaw out sooner rather than later. However, I am a patient man now. I haven't been in the past, but I am now, so I'm more willing to wait than before. Time is my friend, eventhough it seems to crawl along these days.
ND and SPM - We are all 3 living parallel lives it seems. Our W's are out there w/ wild accusations and here we are stuck in the mud waiting for things to turn. The legal system is painfully slow for each of us, but we all seem to feel confident that we'll prevail in the end.
ND, I do see the changes in me. I'm much more patient than ever before. W can't and won't allow herself to see where I've grown, but ultimately, that isn't relevant. The changes I'm making are for my benefit and for the benefit of my D. If W chooses one day to share in who I'm becomming and will continue to become, then she'll also get to enjoy my changes. If not, I've done the right thing for me and for my D. I have to continue to believe the truth will indeed prevail.
SPM - Wow! We do have some nasty stuff to deal w/ and if you are crazy for still loving your W, then at least you have a roommate in me. I can't explain it, but I'm still in love w/ her. I see her and just think about how attractive she is and how much I want to hold her hand and spend hour after hour w/ her. After what she's been doing, I must be nuts. However, I guess I'd rather try to somehow resurrect my M and fail than to have never tried at all.
I'm going forward w/ the deposition but I'm going to call off the dogs if my L is getting vicious. Embarassing W isn't the goal. Getting to the truth -- or at least showing the craziness of her accusations -- is what I'm looking to accomplish. I can only hope we can move forward after this entire custody thing is settled. I know I'll continue on the high road and I'll continue to try and be the man my D needs and who I should become. However, in the meantime, it is difficult and I'm very timid as I don't want to injure W in any way. Again, patience is my ally and time will tell.
Finally, SPM, THANK YOU for the information you received on children and their relationships w/ their parents. D and I have a great relationship and I'll continue to build on it as she moves through her 5th year. She loves me and I love her, so I'm encouraged to know that her foundation of our relationship should be really solid now and nothing others can say or do will cause lasting damage to that, if any damage at all.
Thank you my friends. I hope all is well in your worlds.
RTL, I know you are upset about the deposition, but you have paid your L a great deal of money, allow him to do his job and try not interfere. He knows how you feel and if he is good he will respect that. While your W will of course be furious , it just may be the wake up call she needs. To this point it sounds like she thinks she is in control and all will go her way. After this she may have a more realistic idea of what divorce really is like. If nothing else it will help her focus on figuring out of this is what she really wants for her life. Deep down , if she is intelligent, she knows you are just doing this in reaction to her claims. On the hand if she is hell bent on destruction than you will need the deposition to get any kind of fair settlement. I think it is wonderful that you thought of her mother on Sunday. You did the right thing no matter what everyone around you is doing. While your w may claim you were a terrible husband, she certainly can never claim that you were anything but honorable during these proceedings. You really know how to take the high road!
I agree with bizarre. Let your L do what needs to be done. You, and your lawyer won't be embarrassing your wife. If that happens, she'll be taking care of it herself. It might even be what she needs to see the ridiculousness of what she's saying.
RTL - I am wondering what might happen when your W finds that she is not in control anymore and "The Snake" bites/betrays her. There may be the chance then that she tries to use your feelings towards her to her benefit. She may put on an act of caring for you so as to make you back off with the L. Be very cautious.
