I took a year off for mental health reasons but I just looked and the big L is still on my forehead. I had some really good old posts and I was going to print them but I guess they are aged off the server. Well, I see some of the same folks are still here. And that's why I went away. I was very afraid that a forum like this would encourage me to tolerate a situation that to me isn't acceptable. I've already been decades too tolerant. Scratch that, a lifetime too tolerant.
My advice to all the newbies is have a timetable. If you don't make significant progress by X, it's time to move on. Till then give it your all, heart and soul. But know there comes a time when enough is enough. Don't be a little Suzie Sunshine like me, always believing if I would just work harder at it, things would improve. It HAD to be my fault. If you don't have a timetable, you will end up with most of your life gone and bitter like me. I don't wish that on anyone. Believe me, life is short and time does pass. All too quickly, you will be old too. And it's no more fun being old and sexless than it was being young or middleaged and sexless. I don't even have memories to keep me warm at night.
If you knew me and H, you would never guess. H is kind, attentive, pleasant, and a lot of fun to be with. We are best friends. I still love him and he loves me too. Honestly, he is my fantasy man except for the sexless thing. I think he's hot but that could be deprivation talking. I'm pretty sure it's at least a contributing factor. He touches me, holds my hand, snuggles in bed, kisses me. He does everything BUT have sex.
So I finally laid it all out on the line for him. I listed choices. Divorce, Open Marriage, Separation, MC. I finally told him I refuse to die without having sex. I will no longer beg for sex, because that's not the sex I want. All the kissing and nice, nice is fine but I expect for him to initiate sex and be passionate at least twice a month. He needs to put his own desires on the back burner and concentrate on meeting my needs.
So far, he has agreed to MC. I told him to set it up but so far, no action. He is being even more attentive and kind. But I did make sure he knew that wasn't what I want. This would be so much easier if he weren't such a wonderful person! He did bring up marriage vows and cheating. My reply was quite simple, if he want to be Biblical, fine. He is supposed to cleve only unto me. And there's no cleveing going on between us. And we aren't religious anyway!
I'm not sure what will happen but I have certainly stirred up the pot. I know he hates the idea of Open Marriage because he knows I could easily find someone to have sex with. I don't see why he should care if I am just giving away something he doesn't want. Divorce is probably not an option because we would both be financially ruined. I offered him a separation when I had an opportunity to take a job in another city. But he didn't want that either. So far, he does want me around. He just doesn't want me enough to have sex with me.
I'm not a supermodel but I look better than most women my age. I don't stink and you wouldn't have to put a paperbag over my head. But the fact remains, he won't have sex with me. He pretty much destroyed my self esteem and body image over this no sex stuff. It took me way too long to realize this has very little to do with me and everything to do with him. It's not my inadequacy, it's his. And he swears he's not gay either!
Our 34th anniversary is coming up on the 2nd of July. That's how long he has to make up his mind. I've gotten a lot more realistic so I know this isn't going to end well. I think the most painless thing would be the open marriage. At least that's what I am hoping for. I've suffered enough and I deserve to have my cake and eat it too for a while.
Virginwife, The most painless thing for YOU would be the open marriage. If YOU are willing to have an open marriage...then why not divorce? To be clear I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do...I'm simply asking a question.
You have no idea what damage your sleeping with another man may do to your marriage. Most likely it will not improve it.
Sorry, I did not read your old posts. Maybe before my time here. So based upon your username, sorry I have to ask; you guys have never had sex? Or it has been so long that you feel like a virgin wife?
I am sorry I don't have much to offer in the way of insight but trust me, it is not you. My heart goes out to you that you are in this situation. Please let us know how things finally resolve themselves.
Best of luck to you.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Finances. And believe me, I'm not taking advantage of him. I always made more than my share of the money. If we live together, we can both live comfortably. If we divorce, neither of us will do well. We both worked hard to be able to retire early. If our house ever sells we will be done with working full time. Or HAVING to work.
And you are right. Now it is all about ME. For the last 3+ decades it was all about him. My needs never even entered the picture. Time for the tide to turn.
You may be right about sleeping with someone else damaging my marriage. But good, bad, or otherwise, it would be a catalyst for some kind of change. Anything would be preferable to this purgatory. I've made it quite clear to him that he is the one I want but I'm done waiting. Do the deed or get out of the way!
True, I am harsh and mean. I was nice, kind, loving, and accomodating for decades and that didn't work. I have no guilt. I tried harder and longer than most people would have. More than what was even reasonable.
The last time I had any kind of sex, and it probably wasn't that great, was 1998. A decade now.
We married in 1974 and I would say we probably averaged 1 or 2 times a year.
There was only one kind of sex he liked and if you catch my drift, it didn't do a thing for me. I fell into the trap of thinking if I was just accomodating to him, he would return the favor. Nada. Never did.
I'm bowing out of this thread at this point. It seems to me that you've made up your mind...and unless you discuss having an open marriage (and he agrees to it), it's cheating plain and simple. Staying because you make more money and you could both maintain your standard of living is not noble...he would survive somehow, and so would you, and then you would both be free to move on with your lives. Unless you BOTH agree to an open marriage, it's not ok. You have lived this way for TEN years, why have you not addressed this a long time ago...why did YOU choose to live that way for ten years? After 10 years why are you now taking this stance? Really think about that. That's all I will say. Bye.
Our 34th anniversary is coming up on the 2nd of July. That's how long he has to make up his mind. I've gotten a lot more realistic so I know this isn't going to end well. I think the most painless thing would be the open marriage. At least that's what I am hoping for. I've suffered enough and I deserve to have my cake and eat it too for a while.
You can decide whatever you like, the thing is, so can he. You might decide that you want an open marriage, he might decide that he no longer wants to be married to you, regardless of the financial impact.
You are obviously upset enough that you are not exploring all the possibilities.
I will tell you this, the vast majority of "open marriages" where BOTH spouses openly participate, fail.
If you are dead-set on having an affair, you will not find what you are looking for. If you are fortunate, it will take a minimum of time for you to figure that out. In you are less fortunate, then the damage may be irreparable. You lose either way, either some, or a lot. You might as well toss dice.
From an even more practical point of view, deciding to take unilateral action in a relationship that directly affects both partners, and entertaining ANY ideation that the other partner is limited in their choice of unilateral response, is not to understand anything at all about relationships.
All the best, NOPkins
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
