Partner left after 9 years - 6 months on

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

I'll echo Kalni in telling you to focus on those little positives you mentioned and try and go numb.

Remember if you lower the bar, he can easily step over it, so don't get over-anxious and start raising your expectations.

Keep it simple, focus on the positives, and enjoy working on things for you and you alone.

RTL

[transformer]

ALI

FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES

ok... now I am going to write this backward on my forehead in magic marker so whenever I see myself in the mirror it will read, just for me, "FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES". Can you do the same? Then we can document it and it can be a TransAtlantic Art Performance!

PLEASE balance the good with the bad. Practice doing this on your own. For example: "BF did not do ___ BUT he did take me out to dinner AND PAY for the first time SINCE WE MET" . "BF did not do ___ but he did CONTACT ME and ask me to do something romantic". You see what I'm sayin?

Also... I don't think it helps to be hashing over speculatively with people who don't get what we're doing. It seems like there are a lot of people in your life who are willing to feed your doubts. Why ask them for help? You are already feeding your own doubts and we are busting our tails to try to feed your hopes. Do you see what I'm saying?

I am so excited to hear about pottery!! Yay for wobbles!!! Wobbling comes before the smooth execution..!!

Did you read that article yet?

((((((ALI)))))))
T

[AliSuddenly]

Hey everyone! Thank you, I know you are trying to keep my end up, as they say. BUT...contact has tailed off. What do I make of that? We were in daily contact for a couple of months. It is not fair to be worried??? I dont know if he needs me to say something, maybe he sees reconciliation as this huge deal, if he moves towards me, I will expect him to move right back in with me, or something (I wouldnt). Maybe I need him to know it can be as tentative as he likes?

Also, in my defence (!) I have rarely contacted him first. Remember the whole month of NC? I didnt crack, then he emailed, phoned, got his stuff and moved into his flat end Jan and then I still didnt contact him. Then he started texting, and inviting himself over. Ok, so I responded each time he contacted me, but I never initiated, until March. Then I only have very occassionally (like last Wednesday I phoned and the week before I texted) but 90% of the contact has been driven by him all along.

So, he takes me to dinner..then doesnt contact me again for a couple of days. And hes away at the end of this week for a week. I struggle to see this new phase as positive, going from daily contact more or less by email or, texts when he is out and about, so thikning of me, to this - not regular contact. I cant know why he has behaved the way he has for months, but there seems to have been some shift again. I dont get how you think I should be positive about it, like I say, hes never said anything, or made a move, or flirted, or ANYTHING. I'm glad he is still keeping me in his life, but its very very arms length.

Its just disappointing that he is putting up more barriers, whereas before I pretty much knew what he got up to day to day, now with not regular contact, I am losing a handle on his life and it feels to me like we are drifting further apart. I am busy, I can cope alone, I am paying the bills, I'm getting used to life without him, I can hardly remember what it feels like to wake up together. I guess all this is true for him too.

I've booked a hair appointment for tommorow, so I will look a bit foxier, in case I get to see him the night before he goes away (not expecting, just being prepared just in case!). I did ask him for a duvet back he has, so he has an "excuse" to come over if he needs one.

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks Kalni, I am stupidly busy! Working hard at college. Being busy and going numb doesnt work too well, I dont know if you are the same, but I can do/think about 10 things at once. In fact, that is my normal state! So even if I am doing one thing, or two, I am still thiking. Also, I have Uranus (planet of crazy) on my Mercury (the mind) right now, and yep, I feel like my head is a whirling dervish! Good for creativity but also, had to switch off mentally. Its only once every 84 years though, thank god! Its the best time to be having a creativity spurt, but it is also making me "crazy" and over thinking stuff, I cant help it.

Thanks for your kind words about my banners! I have been preparing them today (will be sewing all weekend!). You didnt really want to buy one did you!? I am touched you like the idea. I've been making giant dice today, with different religious symbols on each face...because the religion we adopt (or not) is dependent on the culture and family we are born into and is therefore, an accident of birth. Chance.

[Kalni]

Thanks for your kind words about my banners! I have been preparing them today (will be sewing all weekend!). You didnt really want to buy one did you!? I am touched you like the idea. I've been making giant dice today, with different religious symbols on each face...because the religion we adopt (or not) is dependent on the culture and family we are born into and is therefore, an accident of birth. Chance.

That's great! I often think I was lucky to be born here and not somewhere where people die of hunger or women are treated as second class citizens...

I am an "overthinker" too. But I am getting better. Going over the same things again & again didn't help me much in the past. So now I TRY to snap out of it when it happens. We can only do so much... Things will happen no matter what we do and actually things will happen they way they should. I know it sounds a bit pathetic, but I do believe so.

Take care of YOU.

K

[MichelleLT]

(((Ali)))

I am also an ace multi-tasker and staying focused is hard for me. Perhaps I have ADD/ADHD, who knows. At any rate, I know that exercise is the best thing for calming my mind down.

I am glad your projects are coming along. They sound fantastic! You should upload pictures of them to a website and post links here so we can rave over them.

Good job on not contacting him. Let him set the pace - it has been working for your so far!

[W2G]

Hi Ali,

I'm glad you had such a nice time with BF.. going out for dinner.. spending time... and he treated.. sounds great!!!! (I'm only going to focus on the positives in hopes that you'll follow suit).

Can't wait to hear about your new hairdo!!! Are you getting colour too?

Hugs,
W2G

[AliSuddenly]

Hi there! Yes was going to dye it red later tonight and cut tommorow!

I know everyone is saying, look at the positives. But, he is not contacting me day to day anymore. It started a few weeks ago and its now a reality. I feel cross about it, I dont know why he was so much in touch before and now he isnt, but I can only assume he doesnt need to contact me anymore like he did. I agree with T - I dont invite negative comments from friends, generally everyone is very supportive, but everyone is saying, well, he has backed off for some reason. Maybe he has "decided" but not told me (and why would he? We havent had a convo about our R since 22nd Dec, as far as he is concerned, I am over him).

I emailed him today (I know, I know, but I am getting to the end of my tether guys, he picks me up and drops me whenever he feels like it for 3 months) it was short, friendly..hope you're ok, I've been doing x, was wondering if you'd heard yet about the offer on the house...

and he didnt reply! He does normally, or text. Nothing, no phonecall so far.

I feel like he's put me through hell and I've been a pretty good DBer, all things considered, but whereas before I was getting crumbs, it feels like the crumbs are fewer and farer between now.

I still love him, but it feels like he is hurting me all over again by withdrawing from me. I want it to stop, its been since last June/July he started to withdraw and I am tired of feeling that I am "not good enough".

Seriously, I know none of us know whats in his head, why hes behaved in any ways he has done, but the fact he is no longer contacting me as he was, no emails, no texts, that cant be a good sign, surely??? At what point do we face up to the fact these guys are not coming back? I think I lost my sense of humour!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

When he dropped me home, he said "I'm going to shoot straight off" and I said "OK!" all cheery and then he gave me a hug... and this time, it was different, it was more...real, emotional and he didnt let go for ages! So I kissed his neck and he seemed to like that and squeezed me and rubbed my arm and said "I'll call you, or you call me!" and I was so amazed again that I looked at him, took his face in my hands and ... he offered me his cheek to kiss!!!! So I kissed him on the cheek and he gave me a sweet look and I hopped out.

I totally, totally, didnt expect any of this today. The best I was hoping for was a text message telling me he'd had a nice weekend. Found out he hadnt been up to much, kind of on his own Saturday to Sunday evening when he went to Newquay for a night out - and then was about to text me from there today.

SO... I think me not contacting him all weekend was a GOOD thing, he must have missed me and after a few days he cracked and wanted to spend time with me. You guys are all genius. Next week he is flying to France Friday and is then working away Monday -THursday teatime, I was a bit disapponted, but I reckon it will be a good thing.. more time to miss me !!!!

Seriously, I am amazed at today and this evening. Oh and I did take the brave step when we were hugging of saying something (I was racking my brains, I knew I only had a few moments to think).. I said, "it was lovely to see you today you know" and then grabbed the back of his head, and he squeezed me and said something sweet (cant remember), so I ended up running my fingers through his hair for a bit and I could tell he liked that too. So all in all, it was a real proper embrace.. NOT the sort you give a friend. WOW!!!

I cant believe I can have been so convinced it was over and then he goes and totally surprises me. I will remember next time and try not to panic, I promise!! Thankyou everyone who helped me through the last few days, I had a very hard time (he has no clue, I smiled constantly and felt happy) :-)

That was 2 days ago.

I know that during this time feels amazing distorted, but that was 2 days ago.

Not 2 weeks ago, not 2 months ago...2 days.

2 days Ali.

Do you know what bootstraps are? Are you familar with the phrase pull yourself up by your bootstraps?

What are some British phrases/sayings to tell people life sucks keep going? Thin Red Line?

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Jack,
I know and I was expecting 4x4s. I've put such an effort in, I havent said a WORD to him for 4 months. Just taken whatever he's chosen to throw at me. He reels me in, then vanishes again.

But as I keep explaining, its not the fact there is a three day gap at the weekend, or a 2 day gap now, its the fact there IS a gap !!! Somethings changed, thats why I am not ok with it. We were in daily contact for a couple of months, even if it was just a short text message. For about 6 weeks he was emailing several times a day. He went through a phase of phoning every day.. then something changed that week he went home alone. Ever since then, he has been backing off. Now he doesnt contact me very often, once or twice a week. He ignores the odd text or email from me. So its different now. And its less contact, not more!

Theres no real communication of any kind between us. I was very pleased (relieved) to see him Monday, but then, no contact again for a few days. I just dont see how that can be viewed in any kind of positive light?!

Seriously, how do you pull yourself up and keep going when someone continually lets you down, hurts you and makes you feel like a second class citizen? He wont even tell me his address. Ok, he had depression, but he seems capable of getting on with all other areas of his life succesfully. Its all about choices isnt it.

He hasnt met anyone else for 6 months, but he is going back home for a few days and the way things are between us, I feel that I am losing sight of how he spends its time and that makes me feel afraid.