I would definitely have qualms about about this if I were you, mainly b/c it would almost surely lead to heartbreak, and who wants to see their child heartbroken? But qoe is right: you can't stop her. She is over 18 and will do what she wants.
Are you worried about how you will cope on your own with Ryan? That would be an understandable concern. Perhaps it would be possible to ask Ashley to help occasionally with her brother. It would take some pressure off you, and also keep her involved in the family. You may even find your home life more pleasant with her living away. You will still see her, and it should give her a different perspective.
I'm sorry you are feeling down about this. Even if she doesn't appreciate everything you've done now, I'm sure she will someday.
~Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I can't seem to stop crying. Josh just phoned (he never calls in the morning, but had been tied up with work last night). Ash seemed to think he must've been returning my SOS call that I didn't make - he had no way of knowing there was a problem. I just sobbed into the phone. He feels bad. Moreso about our friend being in hospital than anything. My baby kitty, Blu, just keeps snuggling up to me - he is just what I need.
I do hope she burns out with BF. Its not that I really don't like him- he is just a nothing personality. Doesn't even talk to me when he comes over. Never wants to do anything but play video games. By contrast, her ex BF is on nearly full scholarship, has an incredible future and is SO personable. I miss him terribly and his family. Never mentioned this but he stopped by to see me the other day. He knew she was not home (they still message). He was returning a video game of hers but wanted to catch up. He is moving away for the summer for a job in Banff. I am so proud of him. Says he would love to visit more - feels like I'm his second mom but knows Ash's BF is jealous of him (yes, Ash has said this).
She says she'll come and help with Ryan. She knows its the only way she gets a car - I pay her car insurance and expenses. I just made her aware that if she moves out she has no health insurance - dental and pharmacy - she is on her own.
Maybe I just need to get a grip. She is my baby. I don't want this to happen but its inevitable. I can't believe the nerves it touched though.
I'm going to go to my minis show out of town then to hospital.
I of course do not have any children of my own yet. But my father use to be a very strict displinarian when we were growing up and then much to my surprise when I turned 18 shipped me off to Texas to go to college and trusted me completely to make my own decisions. Of course he was available for guidance.
I asked him about that when I was older and he said, he had confidence in us to eventually do the right thing. He said tha at some point as parents you have to let your children go and have faith that while kids take some detours in life, they will figure out the right path on their own. And that they need to do this to gain confidence. Of course, he is always standing at distance ready to be there for us if and when we trip up - but he waits for us to ask for help. And yes, there were times my father had to really work to not interfere in our lives... I am not sure I will be able to do what my father does...
Anyway, good luck with Ashley. Give her a little space and she will figure it all out for herself b/c you raised her to be able to do that.
THis is quite similar to how my parents raised me too and how I handled things with my son as well. But the head knows and the heart is giving me trouble at the moment. I'll get through it.
Going to go for a long drive to my show and it will give me some space. Need another strong coffee and some friends.
My D had a boyfriend like that - now she's gay!!! She got tired of waiting for him to get his life together, and eventually started to feel like he was an anchor in her life - maybe your D will come to that same realization. (She probably won't become gay, though!)
AS for D moving out - try to separate out your empty nest issues from the other issues, okay?
- I wouldn't cut off her insurance. It's protecting YOU from having to help her out if she gets in a bind. You'd continue that if she was off to college anyway, wouldn't you? So don't "punish" her with that.
On the other hand, if she lives with BF, I'd stop all other financial support. If she wants to be a "grown-up", let her take it on fully. Let her take ownership of her life. Let her pay her car insurance and expenses, grocery bills, clothing bills, etc. As for college - I know many parents who would say they wouldn't pay for college expenses if she's living with BF.
Consider that part of this may have less to do with wanting to live with BF and more to do with a natural urge to move out and be independent. Can you offer her some alternative that would meet that need without her living with him? Help her move into a small apartment of her own? Maybe she will hear you if you tell her that relationships at this age have ups and downs, and it's important to have your own place to go back to if things are in a bad place.
As for the help at home issues - it's not really fair to saddle her with that responsibility. She would have been leaving home someday anyway, so why not do now whatever you would have done then? How about offering her room to a college student - free rent in exchange for lite help with Ryan? Could be a good deal all around.
I'm dealing with similar issues with my two youngest right now - D17 moving to Portland for a "gap year" before college with her girlfriend. I'm fine with it but she has to get a job and finance it herself.
((( Barb ))) I'm sorry you are sad about this, dont blame ya. We always want the BEST , better then best for our kids, and with you not being real sure about this guy I am sure its causing you some heartache.
Ellie has some great advice! She would of been moving out prolly sooner then later, so the sit w/ Ryan would be changing, and dont cut off insurance! but yes cut her off financially, you wanna play big girl, you play all the way
My parents were strict too, well my mom, good grief if I even mentioned moving in w/ a boy not marrying she would of fainted right over and disowned me,,,for a while lol I am the same, not crazy about the thought of the young kids moving in and all, when they really are not experienced in life matters, but I do know the more you push, they will pull
Let her make her mistakes, if this is a mistake and something tells me she'll be home before the year is over, she will learn a lot more from it then you just putting your foot down.
Dont cry Barb
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
I am so sorry this is so hard for you! I think Ellie is right...there are several things here going on at once, and it is hitting you extra hard.
I think part of the empty nest pain is that she is your baby and the last to go. Would you feel the same way if Brandon was moving in with a girl? I also agree with what Karen said:
Quote:
the more you push, they will pull
I know that is so true.
And finally, I am wondering if part of her is in a hurry to "get out" because of the extra care for Ryan? I know he is her brother and you are used to her helping out, but it is a huge responsibility to saddle a kid with. Maybe if you "drop the rope" a little with her, she will feel more like helping on her own.
As far as the finances go, I think that is such an individual thing. Every family does it differently But I agree with Ellie the insurance is important. Of course in Canada it is probably much easier to cover than here, but in my situation the kids couldn't possibly afford insurance on their own. Luckily while they are in school they are covered under their Dad's plan.
SG
I think some pampering is in order for our Barbie!
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
My gosh - its my Cali Girlfriends. Only one missing is Kris - my Burbank Bud...
Just want to clarify one thing since I may have posted it in a misleading manner. I would NEVER cancel Ashley's health insurance. It is my understanding that she is covered as long as she lives at home and attends post secondary school. As she will not be at home and intends to only study parttime in the fall - she might compromise the insurance. This was brought to my attention by my friend whose son left home recently. So - I wanted to make Ash aware of that.
No, if she chooses to leave, I can't stop her. I can only wish her well. I know I have to let her make her own choices - good bad or indifferent.
Ok, I know you're upset but things could be worse! The 1 thing I do know about teenagers is the more we protest the more they dig their heels in. I say let her go and see how the other half lives. I don't believe for one minute that it won't be an eye opening experience for her. Like Jill said, she's probably going to do it anyway. All of the things she thinks she wants will now won't seem so wonderful when she's coping with them on a daily basis.
You don't have to give her your blessing but at least keep the door open...........
