Where do...I...go from here?

[tpaschal]

First and foremost - you and I are in teh same boat. The age of the OW. THE OW. Remember my bimbo officially moved in last week - she even asked h "do you ever think about getting married again....??" OK he isn't even DIVORCED YET BIMBO!! and lets think H is such an idiot he told me.

Cagz,

I've got you beat on the OW marriage question! My H's OW was writing him (while on her church mission trip to India) a month before he even moved out, asking, "Do you love me? Do you want to marry me? Do you feel you know me well enough yet to answer those questions? Only you know if you are bringing too much baggage in to a new relationship, so if you want to slow down I undertand, but if you try to back off completely, you'll have a fight on your hands!"

They are wh*res, aren't they?

What I wanted to say my friend is this. WE *yes that is you and me - need to get our focus off the BIMBO. That is what she is. Yes I agree she is a "oh so troubled soul..and bla bla bla...and I think we need to ask God to help us get to a place of forgiveness (As you can see I am not there). BUT the more we THINK about them the more waisted energy -- teh less we have for OURSELVES and who we are.

Of course you are RIGHT, and I KNOW it. So why can't I forget about her? Human nature? I really am on a rollercoaster when it comes to my thoughts and feelings about the OW.

Sometimes I'm able to just dismiss her from my mind completely, and other times thoughts about her just seem to eat at me. I know the bad times are the times I'm not surrendering it to God. I've got to do that, surrender, on a daily basis. Sometimes MORE than once a day. Guess that means I'm not completely surrendering it, hmm? But I keep working on it!

Someone just posted (I'm sorry, I can't remember who off the top of my head!) that we should look at the OW's as babysitters. I think it meant that we should let the OW's deal with our H's juvenile, immature, destructive, etc., etc., behaviors, and then if and when our H's are ever ready to grow up, they will want a strong, mature, real woman as their partner, not a messed up, immature, immoral babysitter. Sounds like a good plan.

Now to just figure out how to ignore H and OW in the meantime.......

we have to let them go to break.

In my h's suicide note that is kinda what he wrote---that I was the one person that tried to help him....well guess what it didn't work AND it wasnt my job. WE need to let them go.....all the way. FOR THEM and more importnatly for YOUR OWN SELF.

Excellent point. Right now he's still depending too much on me and his parents to hold it all together for the kids, and even to bail him out when needed. I think he does need to "break" before he can begin putting himself back together. But what will it take to "break" him? Obviously, even an attempted suicide didn't break your H. Guess that's another one of those points to surrender to God.

The kids-whats best for them? I would STRONGLY suggest asking the C to deal with the kids when it comes to time with their dad.

Trying to get the financial sitch sorted so that I can get them started again.

YOu have come so far in teh past month. Seriouslly. Letting go---it is a good thing. I don't know how it is happening with me..but I am. And learning how to stand EVEN if we are D...I dont get it either..but we can do it..many before us have and they have gone on to become outstanding, fantastic, wonderful strong and beautiful men and women!

Good night my new friend...you are doing amazing!

Thanks Cagz! It really does help to hear that from people who have been there/done that, or who are BEING there/DOING that! I think I've said it before, but I'll say it again. YOU are an inspiration to me!

[tpaschal]

Beware----really long post ahead. Responses to some questions/comments, but also some journaling and thoughts that just needed to come out.

Tpaschal,

Now that I look back, I can see that H probably started going through some of his disillusionment as long as 5 or 6 years ago. ... I told him I thought he was already terrific, so why so much searching?

Could he have at that time thought that he was trying to grow and further his Personal Development and you were not? Perhaps he saw you as staying in the same place and that he was surpassing you--not because of his actions, but because of your comments and inactions.

Yes, this is possible. He always wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom for our kids, but he did seem to start "looking down" on that. Asking "what do you do all day!" when things around the house weren't exactly to his liking, but also telling me how smart I was and with my memory and verbal skills (and arguing skills) that I should go to law school. But I always said that I thought that would be something for later. I wanted to be home with the kids when they were little---at least until the youngest was through Kinder. (She's in K now, he left when she was 4 yrs. old in Pre-K.)

It wasn't something that came up often, though. There were a few times when we had some financial problems and I offered to get a job, and he didn't want that. So I was confused. He would praise me on one hand, criticize my house-keeping/homemaking skills on the other, but then say he would prefer I didn't work when I did talk about going back to work.

He also talked about his feelings of insecurity and inferiority with other doctors. I already knew of these feelings, and had always done my best to help him examine them, to see if there was any merit, but mostly just to offer support and reassure him that his feelings of insecurity and inferiority were unmerited. I tried to build him up. Guess I didn't do a great job of it.

It is rather ironic, but in many ways what you were doing was invalidating the feelings he had for himself. It was a good thing to believe in him and try to build him up. But doing this by trying to show him that his feelings were without merit backfired. To him that meant you didn't get it and were not listening to him. He wanted to be built up and he wanted help finding his strength, but support and reassurance without tangible structure are meaningless. He felt like a house of cards and you tried to show him how wonderful a house of cards he was. Helping someone find strength is an active endeavour.
A person feels important when others listen without dismissing their feelings. It is wonderful that you thought he was great, and I believe that form some belief in Self starts when others believe in you. But eventually that is not enough. Why? Maybe it was because you didn't back up your belief in concrete ways that he could understand. As his wife, perhaps you became a mother figure, and Mom is supposed to love you, no matter what.

I get what you are saying here, and probably some of this did happen. However, (and it's hard to relate entire conversations that took place over a several year period, so I just touched on it) I did try to help him in concrete ways. We talked about what qualities he admired in the docs (mainly one---his partner) that he felt inferior to, and whether or not those qualities would make a better doctor. H is very talkative and outgoing with people he knows well, but is shy and rather introverted until he does know you well---which can come across as being boring or cold or stiff. He also has a big problem remembering names, which is NOT a good thing for a doctor with lots of patients in the community! Partner, on the other hand, is not a real "deep" person, but comes across as being very charming and considerate and thoughtful because of his personality and mannerisms and ability to remember names quickly. H asked for my help and opinions, so he and I brainstormed on how he could implement some changes without being fake, how he could remember names better, and he and I did some role playing. It did seem to help.

But the area where I can see him feeling like I was acting like his "Mom" was in the area of personal friendships/relationships.

Even though I had several female friends, and some of the friendships were very longstanding ones, I always considered H my best friend. I think now a large part of the problem was that because of his shyness or insecurities or whatever it was that prevented him from making close male friendships, he may have felt like I was his ONLY friend.

Of course there was a time when we only needed each other. The honeymoon phase. But when we graduated from college and started branching out (him in med. school and me teaching, and then moving to a suburb to start his practice while I became s-a-h mom) I made a lot of close female friends, but he still had only me.

H did make one very close Friend in med. school, and when the Friend got engaged and then married we did do couple things with them and even went on a few vacations together, but while H just had this one guy Friend, guy Friend had two brothers of his own and a large network of other friends. I saw my H doing/saying things that were kind of off-putting (too eager? trying too hard?) and tried to tell him. I don't think he appreciated that. And looking back, I know I should have stayed out of it. Anyway, when we moved to one suburb to start H's practice, Friend moved to another suburb an hour and 1/2 away, and with busy practices and having kids and getting busy with family life, they drifted apart. I think H was very hurt by that, but it was his doing as much or more than Friend's. (Not returning phone calls, etc.)

I tried to encourage him to get to know some of the other docs better, and we did make some good couple friends among the other docs and with some of our neighbors, but these couple friendships were mainly due to the connections between the wives. He didn't seem to know how to make strong male friendships on his own, and I probably offered too many suggestions. Maybe that made him feel more insecure?

H made one male single friend in 2005 (through me---my best g-friend and her husband know this Guy and we met this Guy through her) and we all hit it off right away. When H dropped his bomb and was planning to move out, H told Guy that he didn't have any friendships on his own, that all his friends were because of me. H also told Guy he felt controlled by me, and admitted an "attraction" to another woman.

Guy was great in his response---caring and supportive, but pointing out that after driving the same car for a while, a new shiny sports car might seem like fun, but would it get great gas mileage? Attention from someone new had to be flattering and feel great, but was a relationship with her the answer to H's problems? Was it the stuff of real, sustainable love?

Advised H that if he felt controlled by me, then H was a part of that dynamic. If H changed his actions/reactions, then I would be forced to change, too, and the relationship could change and improve and become what H wanted. Guy advised H to go to counseling to work these things out before jumping into a new R.

Guy also told H that he had a lot of great friend qualities, and if H didn't feel he had any friends of his own, that was something H could change easily, without it having anything to do with his marriage. Again advised H to get some counseling to help him address those feelings and issues.

Of course, H thanked him for his letter, said he would get back to him, then didn't contact him again for more than a year. H wants to get back in contact with Guy now, but Guy has lots going on in his own life, is disappointed by how H has treated me and the kids the past year, and really doesn't have time to deal with H. Sad, but I can't control any of that. My best g-friend also says that she thinks one reason H wants to get back in touch with Guy is to "use" him in a way. Guy has a rarely used apt. in NYC where H and I have stayed before, and my best g-friend thinks H wants to impress OW by having friends who will invite them to come stay in NYC. I do think that's very possible. Best g-friend said, "H doesn't get MY friends in your divorce!!" Kinda funny, in a very sad way. I encouraged Guy to contact H if he feels like it, but said I understood his own stuff has to take priority.

But in other ways he seems VERY detached. Otherwise, how could a father go three solid weeks without speaking to or laying eyes on his three children who only live 10 minutes away?

That's not how Detached works. Detached is when your emotions are not tied to his and vice versa. Avoidance of the children doesn't indicate Detachment. Selfishness, perhaps, confusion, certainly. We do not know his emotional context, but avoiding the children and you may be perfectly sensible within his emotional context.
Perhaps he fears what he would do in their presence.
Perhaps it hurts him more than he can bear when he sees them.
Perhaps he is simply so ashamed that he cannot bring himself to face them.
You don't know. But none of those possibilities have anything to do with being Detached, rather they are completely bound.

And he seems very detached from me now. The C said that in observing his body language in our joint C session 2 weeks ago, H seemed contemptuous of me.

Contempt is not an emotion of Detachment!

I guess detachment is the wrong word. I guess "emotionally unavailable" is more what I meant. Or "emotionally dead." He claims to be happy with OW and his happy new life, but he doesn't seem happy at all. When he is around me and kids, he seems so.....distant. Like we're furniture or household fixtures or part of the scenery, not actual human beings with feelings.

That is, until he gets angry! Then he yells and spews and threatens and uses the kids to manipulate me while accusing me of turning the kids against him, etc., etc., etc.

Can you explain what you mean by "bound?"

Is he telling you or trying to convince himself or make it real? Of course he insists on telling you she's a good person! He must be really awful if he were carrying on with a person he thinks is bad. But he does think he's awful and he thinks she is what he deserves. And yet he's not going to go around admitting he is awful and therefore he's chosen someone just as awful. She represents the level of his own emotional development and he is able to project easily onto her.

Well, she definitely represents his current level of emotional development (he's regressed to young teenage years, IMO, about 14 or 15?), but I don't know if I agree that he really thinks she's awful or thinks of himself as awful.

Hard to tell, as I of course am not inside his head. I do know that before he moved out, he called her a stupid kid who did't know what the hell she was doing, and when I asked what he thought her expectations were for their relationship, he didn't really care that much. I pressed him on it, and he said he imagined that she saw them married with kids within a couple of years. I asked him if that's what he wanted, and he didn't know. Seemed not to be that interested. But now it looks like that's exactly where they are heading. She does seem to be calling all the shots now.

Right after he first moved out, still before I found DB'ing, I called her a bimbo or a wh*re or something and he kind of half-heartedly defended her, and I said, "Come on, let's be real here. Is this what you want for YOUR daughter? Your daughter is almost 13 years old (at the time, she's 14 now). Is this what you want for her in 7 years? To drop out of college and answer telephones for a living, and then start an affair with a 20 year older married man? To start screwing him while he's still living and sleeping with his wife, and then move in with him when he finally does leave his wife and 3 kids, even though he's still married? Is that what you want for your daughter? Would that be okay with you? What would you say to her if she did that? I can't imagine being "okay" with it if our daughter did that. I can't imagine you being okay with it. I can't imagine any parent wanting this life for their 21 year old daughter." He was very, very quiet. Didn't say anything at all.

But I don't know what to think anymore. I didn't know her that well when she worked in H's office, and as I've mentioned before I always thought she was a big flirt, but I did think she was a nice person. Maybe she is. Maybe she really is just the most wonderful, loving, giving person in the world who just had the misfortune to fall in love with the wrong man. I don't really believe that, but what if it's true? It seems that H is completely under her spell, and she is completely in control now, to the point of moving her father in with them (for a time, at least.) I wonder how the man I loved could be acting like this, or involved with anyone who would act this way, no matter how "nice" she is, and it doesn't compute.

I know Cinderellaman and Mrs. H have been struggling with this recently---what if H really is happier with OW, and will go on to have a happy, complete, and full life with OW? If it's true, then shouldn't we forget about DB'ing and Standing, and start exploring other options for ourselves? And I don't just mean dating, but that is a large part of it. Not jumping into a relationship that I'm not ready for, but making the mental adjustment in my head that H will never be my partner again, so it's okay to start thinking about someone else in that eventual role.

When he tells the C that he's realized he needs a different type of person in a relationship (having said this to me before, he knows I know that he's referring to all my "character flaws...

Is he really? Yes, consciously it may be your flaw that he is referencing. But what is the true reference?

He does need a different type of person. Fortunately he's got one and it is you. You are no longer the person he married. You have grown and matured. You are different. But perhaps your development and his were not in synch and he is at a loss.

Great, cause I'm at a loss, too. Wondering if we'll ever "synch up" again. I'm trying to "grow forward" and change for the better, and he's regressing into a selfish adolescent who sometimes throw temper tantrums like a toddler. Well, that's what it feels like I'm dealing with, anyway. And I've already got a hormonal 14 year old daughter to deal with! I don't need another temperamental teenager!

One of your goals is to learn what to Do as a Stander? What does Paving A Safe Way mean, what actions does it entail?
Those may differ for each of us. The answers are within YOU.
The goal or result of the actions you take needs to be Personal Growth and Development, this will lead you to the answers within yourself. It is about Self focus and leads to your other goal of marital reconciliation. It does not guarantee it, but without it, reconciliation cannot work. You need to find and define who you are and since you are ever-changing, you will always be searching, finding and redefining. Life is the journey.
External change facilitates internal change. So what actions can you take to realize your Self goal?

I feel like I'm getting better on focusing on my Self, but knowing where I want to be and figuring out how to get there is going veeeeerrry slowly. But I think that's okay for now. I don't want to get stuck, but I want to consider each step and each change slowly and carefully before making it, so I know I'm doing it for the right reasons.

I am addressing each of the four areas you mentioned, but it's the practical minutia of the divorce that I'm struggling with. Figuring out how to Pave a Safe Way but not giving up or giving in on things that will be REALLY important for my and the kids' future if he chooses to never return is very tough.

For instance, H wants the house on the market...right now...today...IMMEDIATELY! That's great, but what's the plan for me and the kids once it does sell? What if it were to sell really quickly? Where would we live? Who gets the profits from the sale and how much? Will H help buy me a house, as I have no income and will not qualify for ANYTHING right now? Will this be done before the final divorce? If not, how can I have it put in the divorce decree? Etc., etc. All of this p*sses him off to no end. He sees it as me trying to drag things out, and uses it to fuel his anger against me, while I see these questions and concerns as being practical and reasonable things to settle NOW in order to take care of me and the kids.

As for H, he is back to anger stage. If I don't give in to his every request, he spews.

That is not the Anger STAGE, its just Anger. The Anger Stage of MLC is about MLC. He is simply Angry.

Can you explain what you mean by this? What's the difference? I have read the Six Stages of MLC posted (I think) by HeartsBlessing, but I haven't read it in a while. I know my H is in Replay right now, but why is he so angry at me all the time? Just for standing in the way of what he thinks he wants right now?

Thanks for all your insights and advice.

[tpaschal]

Visitation/Custody issues---ugh!

H doesn't follow any regular visitation schedule yet. We went to Temp. Orders hearing on March 12, but H's L was in charge of writing them up and getting copies out to everyone to review/make changes/sign, but I don't have anything in writing yet.

So H is very happy to just not show, or call and say he's not coming, and I'm supposed to just deal with it. He doesn't care whether I have plans or not. When I hadn't heard from H by Friday at 4:30, the kids and I left for swim team practice as usual. H has been picking them up from the pool after practice when it's his weekend for the past couple of months. But this Fri. he came to the house at 6pm without calling or texting or anything, then called my cell phone ranting and raving that we weren't home for him to pick up the kids.

One friend said from now on I need to cover my @ss by emailing him EVERYTHING to do with the kids' schedules. I know she's right. I guess I was being passive/aggressive by not calling him to tell him where we would be. I just get so tired of being in charge of his relationship with the kids. He doesn't call or show up AT ALL on Thursday, which is his afternoon and evening with the kids, but then he calls me ranting and raving because we're not at home on Fri., even though he KNOWS the kids swim every Friday afternoon? So psycho.

He ranted and raved that I would be sorry because I could forget about whatever generous settlement he had planned to offer, that he would get his lawyer to make my life miserable, that I had f****d up big time, blah, blah, blah. I tried to be calm, said that we hadn't heard anything from him in days, that I agree that we do need to get the kids on a consistent schedule, but that I refused to cancel the kids' regular plans, that I refused to put the kids' lives on hold to sit at home waiting and wondering if he was going to show up, that he was an adult with access to a phone, that it had been our schedule for the past 2 or 3 months that he picked them up after swimming, etc. Logical stuff, so I'm sure he didn't process any of it.

I told him that I would be happy to have a calm, rational conversation with him about these matters, but if he continued screaming at me, I would hang up. And when he went off on his spew about the divorce and the lawyer, etc., I just kept repeating, "Is this what's best for the kids?" "Is this what's best for the kids?" Finally I just said, "Okay, it's obvious you're too angry to have a calm conversation right now, so I'll talk to you later. Bye!"

Ugh. I hate this.

I texted him that the kids HAD brought their overnight bags with them to the pool, and that he was welcome to pick them up there. He refused. Texted back that I could bring them to his apartment. I wrote back, said I had a parent meeting after practice finished, kids would be done at regular time for him to pick up, or they would have to wait another hour until I was finished. He said, no, you can leave, bring them to me, and go back.

I called MIL. She came, picked up kids and took them to his apartment. MIL came back to my house afterwards to tell me all about it, and ended up staying the night. MIL said H was shocked to see her car and reacted nastily. I think she was hoping for that, because it gave her a chance to say some of the things she's been wanting to say to him for months. Don't know if it was good or not, but SHE certainly feels better! He told her he would get his lawyer to get a restraining order so that she and FIL couldn't see the kids anymore, and she told him to go for it---to just try it---that she would love to have her day in court to tell a judge what's really been going on. She told him that if D5 comes back with bloody cracked feet ever again, that THEY would be the ones going after him. (D5 has some form of eczema (sp?) or psoriasis or atopic dermatitis---the docs don't even know for sure what to call it---that causes her feet to peel and crack all the time, and when H makes the kids go on a forced march for 2 or 3 hours with bimbo's dog, D5's feet end up swollen and cracked and bloody and painful.) H doesn't seem to really give a sh*t, as D14 called me last night and told me that it happened again anyway. And he's not just a father, he's a DOCTOR!!!???!!!

Anyway, D14 has called several times to see if they can come home early. Says H is mean to them. And I'm sure he is being yucky. He's mad at me, and it always seems to come out on them. But C told me earlier in the week that the kids really need some consistency---one, so they can start to count on him to be where he's supposed to be when he's supposed to be there, and two, so they can't play us against each other. So, so hard to navigate all this sh*t!

I feel like crap if I don't let them come home early, but I also feel like crap if he manipulates me and the kids! (He's mean, they beg to go home, he accomplishes his goal---subconscious, I hope---of not having to spend as much time with the kids and letting bimbo OW come back earlier than planned.)

Have I said before that I HATE this???

[tpaschal]

H evidently found out yesterday from his L that my L wants to withdraw from the case. My L is doing this due to lack of payment, mostly, but also because my L says he cannot communicate effectively with me and doesn't know how to proceed or prosecute the case properly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Background: What it boils down to is L knows I don't want a D and thinks I am keeping him from going after H. L wants to spend a sh**load of money being really aggressive---hiring an incredibly expensive forensic acct. to see if H is hiding money, hiring the most expensive business evaluator around to evaluate H's medical practice, etc. Evaluate the business, yes, but why fly someone really expensive in from another city? What if judge makes me responsible for all my L's costs? I've been a stay at home mom for 14 years! I will be able to go back to teaching, but I can't afford that!!!

I guess L heard the word doctor and saw money signs. But that just isn't true for a lot of doctors nowadays, especially not GP's. Does H make really good money? Yes. But were we ever going to be filthy rich, even if MLC had never happened? No. And being that H only got med. school and business loans paid off a couple of years before MLC hit, we hadn't had much time to build up savings or investment portfolios or anything like that. It p*ss*s me off. I think L was greedy, and now that he sees there is no money, he wants no part of it anymore.

I think my L's plan right now is to see what happens on May 21. We have a court date for May 21 because my L filed motions to have H pay his fees, pay for an evaluation of the medical practice, and an appraisal on the house. If the judge makes H responsible to pay, L will continue. If H proves that he cannot pay, or judge makes me responsible, L will quit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, question....

Anyone here know anything about lawyering? What happens if L does withdraw? I have NO money to hire a new lawyer right now. I paid L a $10,000 retainer and now owe him an extra $10,000 which I have no way to pay.

Will I be given more time to get a new lawyer, or will the courts keep the final trial date of August 4? I know it's different in every state, but does anyone have a clue about Texas?

I have no idea what to do!

[tpaschal]

I'm not sure how to handle some of this NC stuff. I speak to him rarely, only when he is here to pick up or drop off the kids, and don't call him or answer his phone calls unless the kids are with him.

He sent a text msg. yesterday afternoon asking, "Did your Lawyer quit?"

I didn't answer. And for this I can't even refer him to my L!! You know, the old, tried, and true......"I really don't know about that, I'm leaving it up to my lawyer."

I heard from someone that he may have to take off an hour or two to see his L, because he called and requested to meet with her asap.

If he gets p*ssy with me about this, how should I respond? (He picks the kids up 3 mornings a week for school, and Thursday afternoon is his afternoon, so I'm pretty sure he'll bring it up.)

[tpaschal]

I sent H an email this morning informing him when D5's dance recital will be and asked if he would be willing to split the cost of the tickets. Also said that D14 was invited to participate in an art show/contest next week, and that D14 and family are invited to Jr. High awards ceremony Monday night, as she will be receiving "one or more awards." I hate form letters---I have no idea what reward she is receiving!

He just responded saying that sounded fine. Asked what we were going to do about Mother's Day weekend since it is his scheduled weekend with the kids.

Then H wrote, "Do you want to tell me what's going on with you and your attorney?"

I haven't replied. I'm sure he won't let it drop.

[tpaschal]

bump
^^^^

[tpaschal]

Anyone? How do I handle his questions about the lawyer? I don't want to give too much info, but don't want him to accuse me of using this as a stalling tactic.

Anyone have any ideas about the lawyer questions I asked?

[cagzmom]

Jeez' I dont know what to tell you. I have a question - here is hte deal..the lawyer --- he is employed by YOU. YOU aren't employed by him. He seems like a real aggressive one and IF it works out for you in court that could be good. BUT remember HE is your employee.

Soooo here is what I suggest. You say H it really is no concern of yours. Or something "nicer" then that. You still have hte lawyer --- you DO need to talk to your lawyer straight up and tell him that all you want to do is PROTECT yourself.

You are going to have to get a job Tp sorry-- but it is the truth...and actually I would actively be looking now.. (I think it would look better to the courts.) I don't knwo how Texas works but in North Carolina alimony is pretty standard....but it wasn't much. Not enough to live.

I guess you need to decide what YOU need. My lawyer was pretty good. Not lots of blue sky....so think about it. What do you need? ALSO by you moving forward to take care of YOU -- well that is a GOOD thing. YOu know ou and i mirror each other in so many ways -- well take it from me. Getting my job and being able to pay my bills...that has been very very good for me.

Look into some thigns that are PROACTIVE for yourself. Also - since you already have retained your lawyer I would stick with him BUT I wuold make sure YOU take the reigns. H will have to show his tax records etc...dont you have that stuff? His pay stubs..all of that stuff you don't need an pi for...it can all be handled by the court.

Remember every state is different...but make sure you start being STRONG -- watch out for you..dont let teh lawyer run you AND since your jerk H is pushing for the D you can stall --- but while stalling you really really need to be watching out for yourself.

[momof2girls]

Hi T,
You do not owe H any kind of information about you and your L. Just from personal experience DON"T say anything. If H asks again just say that your L is informing you of your rights and has basically gone over state laws.

End it there, you do not want to give your H any fuel for the fire. When H and I were S I filled out all my financials and then he started asking me lots of $$ questions because I am the one who does the bills...little did I know but I supplied him with all the info he needed to do his financials.

When I realized this I was so mad at myself...I think I was thinking that if I was cordial and nice to him things would swing in my favor. NOT!!!

What you and your L are discussing stays between the two of you. Be polite but stick to your ground.