BT, you wrote "I really want her to be happy". Well, you can't make her happy, you couldn't do it as her H and you won't be able to do it as her XH.
Whoa, wait a minute! She isn't his Ex yet. These things take a long, long time. My wife filed in August, it's still not finalized. Thankfully our WAW's can't get what they want immediately. Usually 4-5 months at the earliest.
Tree, this separation may be good, but make sure you're DB'ing, and don't think of her as your Ex yet. That just plays into the "crazy Sally" idea. There's a big difference between detaching and giving up, and your sitch is nowhere near hopeless yet. Hang in there dude, you're doing great.
Tree, I'm a little worried that your threads have a whole lot of info about how crazy your W is (which seems to be true), but not much about the changes you're making in yourself. That might be what MIL was trying to say, even though she was drunk and put it completely the wrong way. Just my .02.
Last edited by jon2911; 04/28/0805:12 PM.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Point taken! What I want to get across to BT is that he can't make her or anyone else happy, especially a W who is so committed to being unhappy. Happiness has to come from within her and from the choices she makes, not what BT does. I always thought that maybe when my W was rid of me she'd be a happier person but, guess what, she's still as unhappy as ever. Unhappy people will always find something else to be unhappy about. It's not up to BT to make his W's choice to separate into her "happy place", that's her job.
I think you are right. But right now we are all miserable.
I have made major changes in me. Her biggest issue was that i didn't pay enough attention to her and probabily to much to the kids. I offered myself to her but was rejected. I no longer drink at all. Not that I ever had a problem. I didn't drink a lot just often. I would have two drinks and fall asleep. I am much more available to anyone who needs me. She always complained about my weight. I now weight less than I did my last year of High School (to skinny). I am dressing better. I probabily use to work to hard and played to much golf. I do less of both. There are other smaller things that I have also corrected. I am no angel and I am certainly at fault for at least 50% of this and I am sorry if I gave anyone any different impression.
Point taken! What I want to get across to BT is that he can't make her or anyone else happy, especially a W who is so committed to being unhappy.
Great point. I think that's something I'm still trying to realize with my W. That I could have done a lot of things differently and better, but in the end it's her choice to be happy. Sometimes there's nothing you can do to convince a WAW that you didn't cause all her pain. Some, but not all.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
I have made major changes in me. Her biggest issue was that i didn't pay enough attention to her and probabily to much to the kids. I offered myself to her but was rejected. I no longer drink at all. Not that I ever had a problem. I didn't drink a lot just often. I would have two drinks and fall asleep. I am much more available to anyone who needs me. She always complained about my weight. I now weight less than I did my last year of High School (to skinny). I am dressing better. I probably use to work to hard and played to much golf. I do less of both. There are other smaller things that I have also corrected. I am no angel and I am certainly at fault for at least 50% of this and I am sorry if I gave anyone any different impression.
That's great! She's noticing all of that, even if she isn't acting like it. And when you're separated, she'll realize what she's missing. Keep it up Tree.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
I think you are right and you are the third or fourth person that told me that today. I just wish we didn't have to go throught this process for her to figure it out. Lots of money is flying out the windows.
BT you wrote: I have made major changes in me. Her biggest issue was that i didn't pay enough attention to her and probabily to much to the kids. I offered myself to her but was rejected. I no longer drink at all. Not that I ever had a problem. I didn't drink a lot just often. I would have two drinks and fall asleep. I am much more available to anyone who needs me. She always complained about my weight. I now weight less than I did my last year of High School (to skinny). I am dressing better. I probabily use to work to hard and played to much golf. I do less of both. There are other smaller things that I have also corrected. I am no angel and I am certainly at fault for at least 50% of this and I am sorry if I gave anyone any different impression." BT, we've all contributed in one way or another to our M's breaking down. I too was accused of caring for the kids more than the W, I lost 45 lbs when the doctor told me I had diabetes and W responded with "Oh sure, when the doctor tells you, then you do something, you didn't listen to me!" There are all sorts of behaviours that egged on our S's discontent. But, bottom line we can only own our parts and try to remedy what we can remedy. Our S's can choose to acknowledge the efforts or not. Often when they are in A's they don't want to see those changes and if they do they will disregard them as "too little too late", nothin' we can do about that except make them anyway! The changes we make are as much about us and our happiness as they are for the M. It goes hand in hand, but we can only control what we do not the way our S's respond. Keep on keepin' on Strong Tree!
