Don't play games. You should put your story where you feel it belongs within the board. You know full well that you have been asked numerous times for your story. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Let's see that story.
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
Those of you coming down so hard on him should just drop it. He has apologized to those offended and made himself very clear in his last post. This is MMB's thread and I have not seen her complain about his postings. I will say that at times a few of his posts have been downright confusing, but on a whole, he gives sound advice just as many on here do. He is learning just as everyone else here is.
Now MMB...
What are your immediate concerns and fears?
What are your goals?
Are you keeping yourself happy?
Is the stress of solely caring for 2 young children (the same gender and ages as mine) taking its toll on you?
At what point do you see yourself giving up your M?
It would be nice if Forrest had a progression of "threads" like the rest of us but give him a break, it did not happen that way. I did ask him a lot of probing questions, not to attack him or challenge his credentials but to listen and learn from his experience because he seems to have a lot to offer and he made the effort to respond openly each time. I can also understand why his thread ended because I feel the same way right now. He simply gave up on his "sitch". But then things happened to turn around and I don't think it happened in a DB/DR bookish kind of way. He may have just got lucky. Then he travelled well beyond this point by putting in some real effort and did not feel like filling in the blanks on his own sitch but instead helping others.
I see his point about the big sign at the bottom of the page! This site is intended mainly to try to "Save Your Marriage". I've read a lot of high and mighty posts about being here mainly to become a "better you" and that saving the M is just "icing on the cake". But if I had to bet my last $, most of us are here because of the sign at the bottom of the page. Also, those who have followed his posts understand what I'm talking about.
As for me I have given up on my sitch too, but not with the expectation or hope for it to turn around at all. It's because nothing I've tried has "worked", I've given it enough time and I don't know what else to "try"; If Dbing = "doing what works" then either DBing hasn't worked for me or I have not DB'd - I'm on the fence taking a crap shoot.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
Glad to see you back. Thank you for coming home...so to speak.
Kerry-my immediate concerns and fears I think are pretty damn obvious...I am scared shitless of being ALONE. I have had my H with me since 16 and now at 35 don't. I honestly don't want to live alone without the companionship of a man. So if that makes me weak or lacking of self love or self respect as others may see it so be it.
My H decided months ago...9 to be exact when his affair started that he no longer wanted this marriage and his WORDS still show that. Hell his parents are paying for him to go out of the country on a 'gee poor Danny is so stressed and needs a break' trip with his current girlfriend and yes they know about the affiar and this current GF. Yes, his actions are appearing to be baby steps of wanting me back in ways but...
Could it, and I know I have eluded to this before, be that he and I really needed to take a break from each other to recharge ourselves for each other? And sure being apart could and for us both does mean recharging ourselves with others. I am not saying it is right however it seems to be working for us. His meaness and anger towards me totally dissapated once he knew I was sexually involved with someone else. Prior to that he was very shut down with me and said mean things. Now he kisses me on the lips, yes a peck, but not on the cheek, and he hugs me, and yes he does ask for sexual things which I am not currently giving into. He has been told by me in the last couple weeks that all this nonsense can stop if he comes home and that all I want is for my family unit of 4 together again. He claims that will not happen. I almost believe that he is so shamed and guilty for what he has done to me that he would much rather see me happy with someone else that won't do to me what he did and is hoping that is this current person. Now sure anyone is capable of cheating including this current person.
NO, I am not ready to stop the affair I am in. I also will not apologize for that and those that are horribly against that can choose to no longer read my threads and post. My feelings won't be hurt if some of you disappear and I don't mean that to be offensive.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Heather - You may be right about the timeout. Instead of going through the cost of a D, it may be that both of you are just branching out and seeing what life outside the M is like. It ultimately could draw you both closer together in the end. I am just trying to take an optimistic look at it and it would be great if that actually happens.
I like that you have the courage to stand up for what you feel is the right thing for yourself now. As Frank Sinatra said... "I did it my way".
Kerry-my immediate concerns and fears I think are pretty damn obvious...I am scared shitless of being ALONE. I have had my H with me since 16 and now at 35 don't. I honestly don't want to live alone without the companionship of a man. So if that makes me weak or lacking of self love or self respect as others may see it so be it.
---------->so instead of learning "why" you are this way... you will continue down this path and will teach your daughter's and son's that it's acceptable to be co-dependant. The cycle won't stop. You are pathetically scared of you. SO much, you won't even remotely consider counseling or coaching from DB. I pity you.
My H decided months ago...9 to be exact when his affair started that he no longer wanted this marriage and his WORDS still show that. Hell his parents are paying for him to go out of the country on a 'gee poor Danny is so stressed and needs a break' trip with his current girlfriend and yes they know about the affiar and this current GF. Yes, his actions are appearing to be baby steps of wanting me back in ways but...
----------->But... but you aren't. You can spin this anyway you see fit to make excuses for you and your poor actions. The fact remains both of you are horrible examples of parents for your children.
Could it, and I know I have eluded to this before, be that he and I really needed to take a break from each other to recharge ourselves for each other? And sure being apart could and for us both does mean recharging ourselves with others. I am not saying it is right however it seems to be working for us. His meaness and anger towards me totally dissapated once he knew I was sexually involved with someone else. Prior to that he was very shut down with me and said mean things. Now he kisses me on the lips, yes a peck, but not on the cheek, and he hugs me, and yes he does ask for sexual things which I am not currently giving into. He has been told by me in the last couple weeks that all this nonsense can stop if he comes home and that all I want is for my family unit of 4 together again. He claims that will not happen. I almost believe that he is so shamed and guilty for what he has done to me that he would much rather see me happy with someone else that won't do to me what he did and is hoping that is this current person. Now sure anyone is capable of cheating including this current person.
---------->yeah, instead of both of you working on "yourself" you choose the easy way out, by screwing other individuals and not working on yourselves first. Lovely.
NO, I am not ready to stop the affair I am in. I also will not apologize for that and those that are horribly against that can choose to no longer read my threads and post. My feelings won't be hurt if some of you disappear and I don't mean that to be offensive.
--------->you would rather some leave instead of giving you a cold hard facts.
You can justify your affair anyway you see fit to make YOURSELF feel better, but it shows more and more of the person you are, the fact that you refuse to work on you "alone" tells many more about you and the fact I am right. You lack self respect and you are co-dependant..... you and your husband "may" end up back together, but the problems will still be there because you never addressed them.... instead you chose to not be "alone" because you are "scared"..... scare of yourself..... most people who can't be alone typically are because they don't like themself. Hence the reason you need serious therapy.
M: 39 H: 40 D: 12 S: 9 Married: 10 years Together: 11 years Dday- March 14th, 2008 Bomb-I don't love you-Easter 2008
Currently-living in same home, slowly working back towards a marriage.
Pity not asked for nor wanted by you. WOW...all I can do is laugh hysterically at this one. The last time I looked you weren't GOD therefore have no right to judge me and who I am.
Sweetheart you are here on DB for some reason also. Maybe your marriage isn't the best because of you too. None of us are perfect but let's not get into this hollier than thou BS with me. It isn't a pissing contest!
Again, don't like what I am doing then post elsewhere with someone whom your methods can infact bully into submission.
Oh and yes, in therapy and yes, have done the DB coaching. Can't say I got my monies worth with either necessarily. Maybe this is really just who I am. Not like you and not like many others here.
And don't you dare suggest that what I am doing will have a negative effect on my children. They are being sheltered from this as much as humanly possible. They do not know this man exists, have never met him, and won't for a very long time if ever. Sure they may figure things out on their own in time but not because I am subjecting them to any of it like some 400 lb. crack whore that doesn't give a damn because my tax dollars are paying for her to have multiple kids with multiple men.
Did you ever stop and think maybe my H is just a schmuck and didn't want the responsibility of a M and kids anymore and didn't want out due to problems WE caused or didn't cause?
Save your lectures and GAL stuff for your clients not me.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
He has been told by me in the last couple weeks that all this nonsense can stop if he comes home and that all I want is for my family unit of 4 together again.
Honestly I am not trying to be a smart arse but I am so confused. You keep contradicting yourself.
Go back and read your post.
So is the affair you are having a "payback" thing?
And the Guy you are screwing knows you are Married and wanting to reconcile with your Husband?
And he is OK with all of this?
Quote:
I almost believe that he is so shamed and guilty for what he has done to me that he would much rather see me happy with someone else that won't do to me what he did and is hoping that is this current person. Now sure anyone is capable of cheating including this current person.
And the part that absolutely fascinates me is that only your Husband is guilty of cheating but not you because he was the first one to drop his pants with a stranger?
And you are justified to continue in this lifestyle because you are afraid to be alone.
Quote:
I am scared shitless of being ALONE. I have had my H with me since 16 and now at 35 don't. I honestly don't want to live alone without the companionship of a man. So if that makes me weak or lacking of self love or self respect as others may see it so be it.
So the Man you so desperately love and want in your life is off with someone else and because you don't want to be lonley you are schtupping someone on the side.
Oy Vey es mere!!!
Honestly, I think you should be seeing a really good therapist to find out the real reasons you would engage in this behavior.
Where do your kids fit into this picture?
What do they think?
Many of us have been dealt the job of being alone and raising the kids by ourselves.
You do the best you can and you get up each day determined to get through this bad spot in your life.
You learn how to make each day just a little better and brighter for the children because they are the ones that are also hurting.
Ask anyone here how long they went without sex when their Husband or Wife ran away from home.
No I am NOT judgeing you, I am just telling you that I am concerned for you and your welfare and for the welfare of your children.
I chose NOT to date anyone when my Husband left me partly because I have young daughters at home, and I didn't want them to be exposed to anyone that just might be a child molester.
I also wanted to set an example for my children.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
What it boils down to is that I may or may not take H back if he decided to come back. I am still unsure...honestly I am.
My affair is not some payback for his. One minute I want H back the next I don't because I don't know that I could ever trust him again.
I am doing what I feel I need to right now to get through my days. You said many get up each day determined to get through this bad spot in their lives...well I see what i am doing as exactly that...me getting through this bad spot in my life.
Many disagree with it and I can respect that however I am not perfect and neither is anyone here or hell...none of us would be here in the first place.
I realize my children will realize in time that I am seeing someone else if it hasn't fizzled out by then however I am doing EVERYTHING in my humanly possible power right now to prevent them from knowing. I don't want to introduce them to more emotional trauma and stress. Yes, many of you reading this will want to scream right at your monitor now because as you see it that is exactly what I AM DOING by being with someone who isn't their father.
I also realize there will be more posts against what I am doing than any that even remotely stop to think that maybe this is OK for me...not you or them but OK for me personally.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
