Still in love and struggling

[Wide_awake]

Hello everyone,

I thought it was time for me to move over here. To make a long story short (I don't know how to post a link to my other thread), my wife broke from our marriage in Nov/Dec 2006. She said it was over several times and started partying all the time and not coming home. Her best friend also got a divorce during this time and there is something more to their friendship than just friends-an emotional affair at the bare minimum.

I started doing DB and really looking at what I have screwed up in our 16 yr marriage. It is a lot, but I didn't feel it was enough to end this. Last summer she started taking steps towards me again and we started spending more time together and talking about our problems. Then right before Christmas she decided, without warning that it was truly over and we both needed to move on.

I'm madly in love with this woman and for the last year, I think that love has grown the more I understand both of us and what we brought into the marriage. She is done, she uses the standard I love you, but I'm not in love with you line all the time. She wants excitement, passion and she says when the feelings are gone, they are gone forever.

I'm having a real hard time letting go. I am doing what she asks. We are paying things that we need to pay (we are very tight financially), we are both working on the house and the land (3 acres) to get it ready for sale. Neither of us can afford it on our own and its a dream house-meant for a family. Not just one person rambling around in it.

I feel lost, so lost. Empty. Nothing, even now, feels right without her. I'm doing all the right things-journaling, counseling etc...

How do I go home tonight and work on the house again beside her-like we never used to-and not break down. **sigh**

[Just_Me]

Sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is.

You've got a few choices.

1) You can go home and show how miserable you are and how you are lost and empty; how you can't fathom life without her (even though that's all she's offering). You can break down and cry, beg and plead. And it won't make any difference because she's made up her mind (I wonder if OW has something to do with that. If she's a lesbian now, maybe you don't have enough to offer)

2) You can accept that it's over. Does that mean forever? It shouldn't. But you can accept that she truly believes that the best thing for her is divorce (regardless of her reasons) and she'll be happier without you. You can accept that you won't have her sharing your life. But that doesn't mean you can't work to make your own life enjoyable and complete. You can be strong. You can be confident. You can work to be happy with your life. Will it bring her around? You can't control what she does...only what you do, but I think you'll improve your chances. If she chooses not to return, you'll at least be on the path to healing and having a fulfilling life. I know...easier said than done.

[germ04]

Wide Awake,
I feel you. I am not as deeply involved (timewise) as you are but my marriage was intense and the pain of seperation is equally as tough. My W too seems to have chosen a life of at least bisexuality. I miss her terribly. No contact at all for quite a while. We even slept in the same bed before the night of the incident. Her false accusations of physical abuse are so painful. Like you, I admit to many mistakes. There were times in the relationship that I was lazy. But my job also paid most of the bills. Like you, I had bought us a home that was comfortable. In short, I felt I was living the dream. But something under the surface was wrong. Something I missed. Now with no contact, I may never know. I can't say its going to be ok for you because I really don't know how your case will turn out. All I can say is I am here for you. I know what you are gong through. I know that your pain is so real, so hurtful. You feel lost, you are burdened with regrets and frustrated by your partner's actions. In your head, the default commitment was to always get through whatever challenge you faced, you did it together. She backed out of that commitment. All I can say is keep going...

[Wide_awake]

Thanks guys.

I ended up staying at work a little longer and then headed home determined to not be visibly sad. She had done some work and was curious about where I had been. She expressed disappointment that I wasn't there earlier so we could play with the animals outside. It was nice to feel missed.

We had a peaceful night-made dinner together and watched tv.

I think I was so very low yesterday that today I've pushed it down far enough that I'm feeling fair to midlin.

One foot in front of the other right? You never know when the pain is going to fully hit again.

[Wide_awake]

As the week has progressed I can't even begin to describe how I'm feeling. On Wednesday, I got an email from her at work asking me how I felt about working on the house together. She was curious since I had been positive about it around her.

She also told me that she had mixed feelings about it-that she was sad because it was our dream house but also relieved to finally be doing something.

I told her the truth, that her relief was my nightmare but I was trying.

She also wanted to know if I thought we would always be close. That hurt because we are close. We still go to bed and wake up in the morning talking to each other. The time we spend together is good! I said I hoped so.

Then she launched into how she looks at our situation and wonders if we found us again would I want to stay in the house no matter what etc... She's been looking at money and is worried, as I am, about how we are each going to be ok.

It was hard to hear all of this but also really wonderful. Because I've been feeling like she feels no sadness or regret about this and can't wait to be gone. To see her feeling conflicted too made me feel not so alone in this. Is that nuts?

I don't see any of it as hopeful for our marriage, it was just a moment of her opening up to me when that rarely happens these days.

*sigh*

[Wide_awake]

Aaack. How do I get thru this? How do I not let it rip me apart?

She sent me a myspace page that she is creating for work and even tho it is for work, it has her age and her zodiac sign and her marital status. She put single. I wasn't expecting that to hurt so much, but it still does.

I'm doing everything I can to support her and just be loving and caring. I do pretty good with her, I'm in the moment enjoying the time. It is this other time that I find myself just floating along.

Found out today that a coworker of mine is getting a divorce. She isn't ready to talk about the details, but it was so shocking to me. They just moved into their dream house less than a year ago and have a 4 year old son. Her husband is out of the house already at her demand-I'm thinking he must of had an affair or something that painful. They've been together 20 years.

Why is this so common?

I'm rambling, I know!

[RMG77739]

Found out today that a coworker of mine is getting a divorce. She isn't ready to talk about the details, but it was so shocking to me. They just moved into their dream house less than a year ago and have a 4 year old son. Her husband is out of the house already at her demand-I'm thinking he must of had an affair or something that painful. They've been together 20 years.

Why is this so common?

Wide_awake,

I honestly believe it is because many people today are so focused on themselves and lack character. They see a little bump in the road in their M, they go and spill their guts to another person and they decide to immediately jump into another R with them BEFORE they are even divorced.

The way I see it is if I were having difficulties in my M, I would work on those with my W and go to counseling. Even if I thought deep down it was NOT going to work, I would still put in my best effort with a positive attitude.

I would NOT jump into an R with the hottie at work. I would NOT let another person enter my M by complaining about my W. I WOULD have enough confidence that if my M did not work after several months of trying, there would be other women to date. I would not want to look back and have regrets about not giving 100% to my M.......

As for your co-worker, you may want to gently let her know you are willing to listen to her if she ever needs you. You never know what she is going through. Your small step to reach out to her could be something she really needs whether or not she takes you up on your offer. Just knowing someone is willing to listen means a lot...

RMG

[JMC]

The way I see it is if I were having difficulties in my M, I would work on those with my W and go to counseling. Even if I thought deep down it was NOT going to work, I would still put in my best effort with a positive attitude.

I would NOT jump into an R with the hottie at work. I would NOT let another person enter my M by complaining about my W. I WOULD have enough confidence that if my M did not work after several months of trying, there would be other women to date. I would not want to look back and have regrets about not giving 100% to my M.......

I could not agree more, which I guess is why they are in MLC and we are not. About a month before my STBX MLC-WAW dropped the bomb, I actually went so far as to look up what I would have to do to get a D. I was tired of putting up with her obvious annoyance. However, I decided that we needed to work on our M. I mentioned this to her on our 10-yr anni in the lounge of the hotel where we were staying and having a night cap, only to hear her say 'I want a D'! It was a knife cutting through the fog of an otherwise wonderful evening involving delicious wine and food.

My point is that we are not in MLC and can see something is wrong and it needs to be fine tuned. From all my research I believe, like others on this thread, that most people who pursue D eventually regret their decision. Of course M's involving abuse (physical as well as emotional) or addictions have bigger issues that may not be able to be rectified. Sorry for the babble here, but I very much relate to what has been written on this thread.

[RMG77739]

I decided that we needed to work on our M. I mentioned this to her on our 10-yr anni in the lounge of the hotel where we were staying and having a night cap, only to hear her say 'I want a D'! It was a knife cutting through the fog of an otherwise wonderful evening involving delicious wine and food.

JMC,

I feel you. I have been right there as well. It is so tough. In my case, I felt after the way my exWAW acted, what she said, her EA/PA with OM and Ding me..... It was too much..... It made me see who she REALLY is..... NOT the type of woman I want as my W.... I expect so much more..... such as character and honesty...


Take Care,

RMG

[JMC]

Thanks RMG - I agree that I sometimes ask myself why would/do I even want her back after all she has done and all I have found out (I was very good at snooping)? She essentially lives with OM now. However, I keep coming back to the reasoning that this is not my W, but rather an alien.

She returned my call on Monday regarding taxes and we had a nice rather long talk (as we usually do), and I know she was sniffling during our talk. However, we also discussed the filing as well. Anyway, I continue to GAL.

Best regards,

JMC