Waw At full speed

[tomcat65]

Well its mothers day and the kids want nothing to do with W.Its their choice,they are old enough to make their own decsions.I guess respect is earned not given.I have not swayed their opinion,just asked.Myself I am both mother and father now.Never had any trouble with that role anyways.I love to cook!Kids all ways looked forward to me making supper,did it most every day.Im doing much better now.I think I finally understand the detachment part.Do it because you do love them,because its the only way there is any kind of chance!Do it for yourself,so you can right all the wrongs that made this happenand open my own eyes to a new world.That I really didnt see before.Carry on and love my sons and do whatever i can for them.Be there for them always!Happy mothers Day to all!!!!!Hope everyone is Okay!Good luck Mike

[tomcat65]

Well nothing really new,W and all three sons went at it,at her work.Long story short it wasnt pretty,lots of anger there.But on a good note,i have been reading a lot of the newer posts,between sandi,forest and others I finnally think I know what to do to detach,Have to wish W well,Hope she will be alright on her journey.I dont call at all,all she ever wants to talk about anyways is money,so nothing real important in my book.If she needs to talk she knows where we all are.Before I go to bed every night I now say wish you well W,it relly seems to be toning down my anger.My only real concern is if she ever does wake up am I still going to be here for her after all this is said and done,good question-Mike

[tomcat65]

Well nothing new at all!W only called about money again,no asking about how the kids are or anything.Seems like she is trying to avoid me like the plauge.Dont see how any of this is going to work when I never get to see her?Im still working on my goals and achieving most of them.I guess im relly starting to loose all hope now.She just doesnt seem to care at all.Havent seen her in two months.Im starting to think about moving on,because i havent seen anything positive at all!I know i have to have pateince,Ive really tried,but it seems so hopeless!

[Just Beau]

You know what,reading through your thread has given me some strength today.The way you handle things is great.

My W has no interest in talking to me at all,and has said there is no way we'll ever be together again.But I feel kind of better today knowing that this is some journey that she needs to go on.

But what the WAS never think about is that they have left the door open for us to go on our own journey,and because we tried to keep our families together,our journeys will be less hindered and clouded by guilt and depression.

Don't think for a minute I won't go out and take my own journey,and live to the fullest,cuz I will.

Sure,it may take longer than we like,but someday,they will know in their heart.

[tomcat65]

Ive been reading a lot on this board recently about The the selfishness and confusion of a WAW.This is an example for other people trying to understand the scope of this.
Daughter in law was talking to one of Ws coworkers,she asked why there is so much anger between W and the kids,Daughter in laws responce was that she abandoned her family.
Co workers reply she said W said we abandoned her,and now i guess i cant trust anything she says!
Point is they will say anything to justify there actions regardless,so they dont have to deal with the real situation!
Totally crazy stuff!

[tomcat65]

Well this has been chewing onme the hole week,I think i am starting to feel like a WAS.Its been geting worse every day and today its just driving me crazy!I just dont want to deal with this anymore!I just want to get on with my life.I dont want to see W,talk to her or anything!I only see bad things or feel bad things anytime i think of her.The kids are miserrible even if they see her in passing.I just want to move on and get past this,its bouncing around so bad now i think Im going crazy!Any thoughts?

[25yearsmlc]

Dear TC,

Don't give up,but your detaching is great work. I found two semi-weird things helped me. One was actually doing a prayer type of meditating calm exercise when I expected H to call from afar. That way I didn't lose my temper with him on the phone. I exercised madly which was good for a million reasons. Also, I read this somewhere and it helped me. I said out loud, (sometimes in the shower so no one else could hear) either "I forgive you h" or to God, I'd say "I turn my pain/anger over to you" and saying that out loud to yourself about a 100 times, HELPS. I'm serious. There is something "lightening" about it, as you've discovered by wishing your wife "well" at night.

My pain and anger consumed me and would have consumed my life, cutting me off from happiness or loving my kids fully. So I HAD to let it go anyway I could, even with gimmicky stuff. For me, it helped. Didn't have to tell h about it, b/c it was not about letting him know how I felt. It was about freeing myself, getting back MY life, not his. I think that's part of detachment.

Keep up the good work. And your kids response on Mother's day, though sad, probably got blamed on you by your wife. Of course. But down inside she's praying that in time they'll ease up.

Decades ago my uncle left my aunt for OW. He married Ow. There were children, and OW''s ex h, and his pain and so many raminifications my uncle never had considered. He once told his mother, about 5 years later, "If I'd known how much pain this would cause, I'd have stayed with aunt."

The good news is that he was a cheater by nature, so my aunt really was better off without him. She remarried happily. It took awhile, but yes, she says now he did her a favor. Not necessarily applicable to you, but thought I'd share.

Again, keep up the good work.
j-

[tomcat65]

[[J]]I dont think I can give up,but its tearing my heart out!Even my mother in law is asking if I have a girl friend.shes always been real nice!I suppose I will wait till the divorce is finall,before i make a decion.Sorry im rableing.I had three barbecues in three days!!So im not really with it right now!Thank you for posting to me!!!!You hve really helped me!!More than you will ever knoW!!i hope you will be alright.You are a very strong woman to do what you are doing!!!!Thank you Michael

[25yearsmlc]

Dear TC,

just have time for a quick note. If you are talking about dating, and when to start, etc. I have to say STOP now and don't even go there. I DO UNDERSTAND the need for companionship of the opposite sex. I really do.

But your kids are NOT ready for that, even if you are, which I doubt. That means it isn't fair to a new woman, to "use" her to tide you over in your transition into singlehood, IF that is what ends up happening. The "new woman" isn't in any position to know your pain level, that you are still very much attached to your wife and that the sep/div is NOT what you wanted and IS not what you want now. It isn't fair and besides, you already said your sons are having a lot of trouble as it is, adjusting.

The revenge factor has its' appeal, I know. But that doesn't mean your sons want to see you with another woman. They want to see you happy and they want to know that if a woman leaves them someday, life doesn't end. But you can show them that in so many other ways. DO take care of yourself and your appearance and MAYBE, maybe down the road begin dating when you think you are ready to be open to another woman. But here are two ideas, in case you feel so lonely or undesirable that you need "evidence" (ie another woman's interest in you) that you are in fact a good catch. First, take it soooo slow. No good relationship ends because the parties took things gradually and got to know each other, but tons of relationships ended b/c they rushed things or went too far too fast, etc.

Second, as my PRO-M counselor told me when discussing the dating issues vis-a-vis children, don't bring other people into your kids lives AT ALL, until you are "75%" sure this new person is going to be a big part of your life AND he also said your kids ought to have "reasonable veto power" which I took to mean the new man (woman in your case) would have to get along with my kids and once they got to know him, if they were not comfortable with him or if they seemed genuinely to dislike him, he'd be out the door. Bad enough your kids have to deal with their mother's departure, her apparent and utter disregard for their feelings (hoping that in time, "they'll be fine" and ya know, "resilient" and all.....blah blah blah) they ALSO have to deal with new men and are being told, in effect, to just deal with it. This also means that if and when you Do start dating, do not introduce your sons to the woman until well into the relationship, months into it. Why even tell them you are dating, until you KNOW they're going to have to meet her?

I can't tell you how sad I feel for my girlfriend's kids (I have told her once but to no avail) who meet a new man about every 6 months. At least twice in 4 years they've been told "X is going to be your new dad/step-dad" and then, "X" went away. Other times they get told that "Y is great. We love him.....oh wait, nope, we're just friends" or worse, "He's an ass----, good bye". I have no idea what this means to them but I do know my d10 is friends with the d11 and that little girl dresses like an 18 year old, flirting and obessing about what boy(s) like her, etc. She IS ELEVEN YEARS OLD...

Your sons need to know you are stable and there for them and that THEY are your priority, not your pain or your loneliness, but their emotional/physical welfare. In fact, weirdly enough, my other daughter, age 19 has a friend who played Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You" which I think refers to Clarkson's mother's self absorbed focus after the father left. It does say that all the mother thought of was HER pain, not her kids, and that the mother leaned on the kids too much, was too needy, etc. Listen to that song sometime if you want to know what NOT to do...

Your sons need a strong loving father. Period. That's all they need that You can provide. In time, lots of time, you'll show them that marriages are long term relationships not to be discarded lightly and that spouses are not easily replaced. You are the only one who can show them this and it has to contrast with what their mother is showing right now. Dating right now sort of contradicts all that you've been saying for months.

Plus, it is better for you to really be ready-- so IF and when you do date, no other woman will pay a price for your rushing into dating before your heart is ready for it. Doesn't mean you don't wear cologne or look good or do a little flirting now and then. Heck, we need the boosts to the ego as much as the others do. In fact, we need it more. Make sense?
j-

[tomcat65]

((J))Ive read your post about ten times!You wrote almost exactly what I feel.Very amazing you can read into me this much.

I think i just hit a bump in the road,I do feel lonely,and i have had the revenge factor jump in my head now and then.

But I dont think I could ever forgive myself if I hurt some other woman,like ive been hurt just to help myself.Ive made my desition to wait untill this is all said and done.

I will take care of myself and family,Bye the way my depression is mostly under complete controll now,about 99%.

I will show my sons the high road!And I will take my time with everything!

Still have no contact with W,just an update.

But thanks so much J I really appreciate it.-Michael