Waw At full speed

[kturnernc]

Keep it going man. MLC is right, she is noticing. It ir really irritating to her i am sure. Keep doing the forward and try to ignore the backwards movements.

Stay positive man. Maybe you have turned another corner.

[tomcat65]

Jeannie and ken.thanks a lot for the extra motivation!!I so appreciate it.But the only thing that puzzles me is I havent even talked to her in two weeks,see I kinda blew her off on sunday,because im trying to do a little of the mysterious part.Well anyways she called to tell me oldest son was staying over another night,but iwas at the store,when i got back s17 told me she would call back.Well i told him when she called,tell her i got dressed up and went out.W called and he told her.Just trying to get her wondering.Dont know why i did it but it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time?Just trying to different things and see if it works.Also Jeannine My attitude and everything about me is changing and boy do I like it.I dont even have to fake it at all,its great take care all Mike

[25yearsmlc]

TomCat,

Just checking in to say hi and see how you're doing. BTW, although I DO support a little mystery now and then (it'd be different if you had had an A and were trying to rebuild trust, etc.) because I do think its gets WAS's to wonder at least a little about what they might be losing, I ALSO wanted to mention a concern, which is Involving your son in the "game". It could come off as a game, which may be a problem, or it could come off as deceit, which IS a problem.

If it's obvious to him that you're faking it, it'll be obvious to her and even if it isn't, it IS using him. Sorry to put it harshly, but it's true. You can still dress up, wear NEW cologne, (I'm one of those women who love tasteful, usually pricey, cologne on a man) and a few accessories and be vague, but positive and happy to your son. He doesn't have to know details. You can always say you're gonna catch a movie, or see some buddies, etc. Be upbeat. If your son presses you for details, he might actually be worried that you are dating and that you dating reduces any chance of reconciliation. Even if he's mad at W, he might still fear the idea of you dating. What he won't fear, and what he will embrace, is you being happy and upbeat and busy. Let your wife wonder what it's all about. Not your son. Make sense?

All WAS issues aside, regarding depression in general. I saw it in my father. It may have been work related but that's a bit irrelevant to a kid, especially since he kept the same job for 34 years. In his retirement he seemed happier. Then he died. So, what I'm saying is that I felt my father sort of sent a message that life was to be endured, and though he taught me many good important things (honesty, getting an education, etc.) I really worked hard to lose his subtle message that life might not be all that fun. That happiness was NOT in our control. We had to take what we got and shut up about it, or like him, drink too much, or whatever.

So, I'm saying I went to therapy long before any M problems or H issues arose. I attended workshops for personal growth (a few were excellent and life changing and spiritual, etc. and some were wacky and a waste of money) and retreats.

Somehow I got it through my head and heart that God loves me, he wants me to be happy and that I deserve to be happy and that I CAN be happy. It's a choice. Unlike selfish WAS's I choose to keep commitments I make and frankly, that makes me happy. The best workshop I went to said "Broken agreements make messy lives" and boy is that the truth.

I'm rambling now. Just keep up the good work and keep posting.
(( j ))

[kturnernc]

Mike, Jeannie is right. A little mystery is cool, but be careful of all the games. It is good to keep her on the toes or to try and show her examples of how you have changed, but it all has to be honest. No out and out head games. I am trying to keep it all honest and above board with me. The WAW is very suspicious of me right now. Apparently she thought I was cheating during the entire marriage and am trying to get one over on her now!! What a crock. Anyway, just be careful as you don't want it to come back and bite you in the butt.

Keep doing good things dude. Positive changes are good.

[tomcat65]

I undeestand J and Ken,I didnt think of it as using my son he knows that Im still trying to get W to reconsider.I guess im just grasping at straws.The thing thats really starting to bother me is she wont talk to my two younger boys at all?Hasnt talked to youngest in three weeks!I really dont know whats going on with that.Doesnt she care about anyone anymore.Ive been trying my best to show everyone the new me.People are deffinetly noticing,but sometimes wonder how this is supposed to work out if I never get a chance for W to notice,see her or talk to her its almost like I dont exist anymore.But I wont stop on me I have come so far,and i relly like where it is heading.Thanks for the ear.And By the way HI -J

[25yearsmlc]

TomC,

she'll notice MORE in a way, b/c she's seeing you less than if she were with you on a daily basis. But obviously you will have to see her sometime. And you will. She'll come around the boys at some point, unless they're making her feel too guilty and she's hoping they cool off. Sometimes the kids act nicer around the WAS b/c they fear losing the WAS again, more than they'd fear the LBSer leaving. Or they get angry at the LBSer, b/c they can't show their anger at the WAS.

Eventually, your W will see them, and that means she'll either see you, or hear about you. Remember that I've had family members actually divorce and remaarry their ex's s few years down the road. Crazy, but the 2nd time around WAS better.

On the whole, this does scream two things to me: your depression sucked out a lot of her emotional energy, so she's trying to "save herself" AND the other thing that strikes me is MLC for her. Certainly her age is "appropriate" for it. And the dumping of all the family ties and committments. Since you're working on the depression issue, and it IS showing, you're on the right track no matter what.
Hang in there. She's noticing more than you think, even when she doesn't see you.
She hears about it, or thinks about it, or is reminded of you and you are countering those negatives with positives every chance you get.
(( j- ))

[tomcat65]

((J))-I think your right on with your 3 points,save herself,MLC,and the two younger ones and the guilt,because they do show her a lot of anger.Thanks for the excellent insight.New update-Wand I had our taxes done together about a month ago.Four days later she came by to pick up some stuff.So I asked do you talk to your lawyer,she said yes this morning.So itold her igot a lawyer 4 days prior to this and just wanted her to know.Well my lawyer called hers the same day,Iwas there ,told them they would be in escrow till this is settled.Well long story short-W called this mourning to find out about the refund checks.I asked what about them.Evidently she didnt know anything!So I told W what was going on she said i really needed that money 2 weeks ago.I said very nicely!I have to think of my family first.W said but you only have to care of son17,I said dont forget S20 and his back operation,recovery time 8-12 months with no complications.She didnt even remember.She said why are you fighting me on this,Boy what a strange statement?Anyways I said if you would like to we can sit down and talk about it,W said I would never sit down and talk!I responded you dont know me now,that person is long gone.Then she says well you dont call me and tell me anything,Dont quite get that one,everything i tell her she seems to forget anyways.Boy this is a long one!!LOL!!Get of the phone still being real nice.W calls back 10 min later saying she called her lawyer and could she borrow 10 bucks for gas,i said sure,i know big softy!she said I could drop it off were she works and that was it,she hung up.So idropped off the money because she wasnt there yet!Boy this is getting weird again!! THanks MIKE!!

[25yearsmlc]

Wow,
Tomcat I don't have time to respond to your wacky update. Just wanted to say don't sweat small stuff like 10$. Give it to her, at least for now. You can afford that much and it won't irk her as your refusal surely would. You'll avoid a conflict and for $10 it's worth it. Besides, if you say no, you will have less and less contact and when you say yes (try to drop it off to her in person if you can) you'll be able to show her the new you, etc.

AVOID LAWYER TALK...OMG this is a big one. Why pay them to handle the crap only to bring it up in person to your Wife? What possible purpose is served? Bring up the L talk when you want to launch your nukes b/c you don't care about the M anymore. A few exceptions to that may exist, but for now I'd avoid legal discussions like the plague. Refer legal matters to your lawyer, and refer her L to your L, etc. Your focus is on the boys, your new life and future, your 180's, how great a guy you are, and basically being a man that only a fool would leave.

She's got some real issues going on. Is she doing drugs? I'm serious, even prescription abuse comes to mind. She is simply too forgetful. Your older son had surgery?! She forgot?!?! Or did she think he should be all better by now....?? wth?
MLC/Change of Life, etc.

gotta go, more later. hang in there. You're a better man for this, no matter what. You'll never regret behaving with dignity in the face of pain and adversity and your sons are watching you. Model forgiveness for them, so they can learn it for themselves, and for their mother.
(( j ))

[kturnernc]

Mike once again Janine is right. Focus on the boys. They are the most important and seem to have been focused out by your WAS. That should make you upset but do not show her that. It is important that you keep things as conflict free as you can. It is important, as stated before, to not use your kids as weapons. They have their own voices so let them tell her if they want how they feel.

As MLC stated, try to keep the lawyer talk to a minimium. That is very hard for me right now as we seem to be in that stage as well. But try. Stay positive and avoid as much conflict as possible. The lawyers will take this into account if things end up getting nasty.

Also, the drug abuse is a serious thought. MLC is spot on again. Drugs can help much, but that are real easy to abuse. She sounds like she is trying to completel 'forget' aboutthe whole family. As I had stated, my son had surgery, I don't see how a parent could forget. AT ALL! That is just rediculous. Keep and eye on that.

Good luck to you buddy. I have been thinking about you. Keep your chin up man. Do what you have to do to take the high road. I know that sometimes it is the hardest route to take, but you will be happy later that you took that route.

[tomcat65]

Hi everyone sorry about the confusing post!!I think I just got really confused trying to figure things out>I just got sucked in to the rollercoaster!!I have been reading a lot of older posts on MLC.I think ive finally figured most of this stuff out if you can believe that!!LOL.The way W wont talk to the two younger kids is they try to tell her like it is,but she doesnt want to believe it so she just ignores them.Im starting to actually see some of this much clearer!The thing with her forgetting,I think that is just not on her priority list.Its not what she wants in her life now.She wants to be free ,thinks I made everything unhappy,which is wrong.Thats why she is distancing herself from everybody,because her new group of friends cant judge her because they relly dont know her,only what she tells them.The only way this will ever change is if she ever wakes up,god only knows how long that could be!!But im doing beter right now then I have since this started,hanging out with good friends,my sons,were really starting to have alot of fun.I noticed im smiling a lot more,than i have in a long time.I think Im am really getting this.I feel now like i can go on no matter what happens and still be a great person,Dad,and be honest with myself.Take care all-Mike