Yes we have had R talks. I pressed her about him about three times after I found out she was talking to him but then on 4/25 it was bad because I found a VFW card in her wallet and I knew he was in the service and the only one who could have gotten it for her. I assumed they had been out for drinks, dinner and who knows what else. She said she had not and has not talked to him since she told him I knew and was going to work on our M. She also said that with me pushing so much it makes her want to talk to him. I knew I made a mistake first by snooping and second by confronting her. She still claimed they are just friends and nothing was between them but I don't want to play the fool.
After that I backed way off. Wanted to give her space and time to cool off. I needed to get ready for starting a business and getting my personal stuff in order because I have been at the same company for 23 years. I stated buying new clothes, golfing more, staying after my golf league and having a drink. Doing more scout stuff with my son.
Things don't seem to have improved much over the last month because I knew she was not very happy about me invading her privacy. On June 1st the day before I put in my resignation I had a talk with her. I did take responsibility for my action, my anger and for not being there for her when she needed me. I told her that she was not the reason for my unhappyness and that I should never of let her think it was her responsibility to make me happy it was mine. I also said if I had been more attuned to her needs she would not of had to go outside the M to find it.
She responded by saying she still has not talked to him and that some days she feels like connecting with me and others time she wants out but other than that I did all the talking.
As far as the new busniess , yes I have kept her informed. That is most of our conversations now. I do most of the talking because that is a 180 for me since she did most of it thoughout our M. It also helps me get a small amout of info from her. She has been very tight liped since 4/25.
I also have been really trying to pay attention. Looking into her eyes, turning off tv's and trying to repeat everything she says in my head so that I stay focused on her and nothing else.
I try and get her out alone when I can. The great thing about my kids is they don't like going out to eat often so when I say lets go out to eat with the kids most times they want to stay home and I get a date without it seeming like a date. And yes we are still in the same bed but I do not feel comfortable enough to snuggle up to her, I'm not sure this would be presuing or not. Thats why I have been moving to the couch in the morning. That seems to be when I am the weakest and want her the most.
OK. Drop the R talks..no more. She knows you get it by saying that you do now show her you get it by your actions. I want you to chit chat her up..chat about her day. NO FREAKIN R TALKS..if she initaitates then you listen and validate. if sdhe gets tired of chatting then you back off andf let her be.
Keep doing the Gal's.
She's pissed cause you snooped. She does not trust you not to do that now. No more snooping. If you feel the urge to snoop then take a hammer and hit your thumb or something. Don't snoop. There's nothing else you need to know right now. IMO. If she starts acting out of cahracter then I would worry a bit..but for now..stop snooping. You need to earn her trust again.
You need to finish DR then read it again. Don't let her see it.
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I also have been really trying to pay attention. Looking into her eyes, turning off tv's and trying to repeat everything she says in my head so that I stay focused on her and nothing else.
The are lots of books on activly listening. When she talks, really listen. Look in her eyes, no distractions. Ask her open ended questions. Listen and validate. Show her empathy for any problem she has but don't fix it for her. if she is going out to dinner with her then it's the perfect time to do this..just keep your mouth shut, listen and make small talk. Be her friend.
Stay in the bed. Don't leave the bed. Even though you can't snuggle it keeps a connection with her. If you or her leave the bed then the connection is broken. Don't worry about wanting her or snuggling..that can come later on. Right now you want connection with no pressure. Stay in the bed, keep your hands off her. if she iniatiates then go with it, if not then hands off.
Also she has been very supportive of my business venture. She knows I have been unhappy in my job and that also contributed to our M problems. I have been alot more upbeat because I know what a great opportunity it is for me. She seems to be very interested and I have to go on her insurance because I wont have any for a while which she did not have a problem with. I have also used it as an excuse to change my hair and clothes but it really was doing 180's and trying to make myself more attactive. I also told her I wanted to get new colone which she asked why. Then she proceeded to go out buy me new shampoo that is better for my hair type and look at colons that she likes. She also searched the internet for resignation letters and helped me write mine. Again one minute its I have no feeling for you the next she looks for colone for me????? Women.
This is all positive..go with this and continue on.
I have been keeping a journal since 4/25 to remind myself of the ups and downs and the things that are said and done. I am trying to track our progress and when I feel all has been going bad I can look and see it has not been. I also keep track of any backslide aka R talks and the only one that happend was on 6/1 and that was due to the stress of resigning and I really wanted her to know that I was now taking responsibility for my part in the M.
Snooping is another matter I really need to stop looking for anything. I need to regain her trust and the only way I can due that is to trust her. (My brothers words to me)
Hope all goes well for you tomorrow. I am really pulling for you to work it out.
Snooping is another matter I really need to stop looking for anything. I need to regain her trust and the only way I can due that is to trust her. (My brothers words to me)
Hope all goes well for you tomorrow. I am really pulling for you to work it out.
Your bro is smart. There's really no use to snoop. You know what she is doing/done. You both need to try and rebuild the trust. Do you guys do MC?
I appreciate the good wishes. The sitch will be worked out either one way or another. It will work out for the better either way. Either save the M or move forward for the future.
My problem with the OM is I just can't stop thinking it might have been a PA. Not sure I could forgive her for that. She never really acted any different the whole time she was talking/texting him and she clamed it was simply a friendship, like haveing a male girlfriend. But what killed me is she said I love ya on one text and that is what drives me crazy. She said it was a friend kind of love and not a boyfriend type and that she would have left me before she would do that to me or the kids.
I need to just get over it and move on as she had said many times in April.
My problem with the OM is I just can't stop thinking it might have been a PA. Not sure I could forgive her for that. She never really acted any different the whole time she was talking/texting him and she clamed it was simply a friendship, like haveing a male girlfriend. But what killed me is she said I love ya on one text and that is what drives me crazy. She said it was a friend kind of love and not a boyfriend type and that she would have left me before she would do that to me or the kids.
I need to just get over it and move on as she had said many times in April.
Yes, you do. If you want to save it. You have already outed. Just sit back and observe. If you really know your W then your little voice will let you know when something is going on.
If you must tackle the OM in another fashion then I suggest you seek out Puppy Dog Tails on this BB. He seems experienced and has knowledge in sitches with OM's. His tactics are a little more on the, shall we say, Offensive side than the defensive side of the game.
Seems like there are many positives. If you can forget and not worry about OM for a while then you have a really good chance IMO.
Yes, you do. If you want to save it. You have already outed. Just sit back and observe. If you really know your W then your little voice will let you know when something is going on.
If you must tackle the OM in another fashion then I suggest you seek out Puppy Dog Tails on this BB. He seems experienced and has knowledge in sitches with OM's. His tactics are a little more on the, shall we say, Offensive side than the defensive side of the game.
Seems like there are many positives. If you can forget and not worry about OM for a while then you have a really good chance IMO. [/quote]
I know all that but its putting in practice that is hard. I really don't think I need Puppydog, he is an aggressive type of person and I don't think that will work in my sitch. And I already called his house which my wife found out about and drove by it which she does not know about but have not done any of that since mid April.
I know all that but its putting in practice that is hard. I really don't think I need Puppydog, he is an aggressive type of person and I don't think that will work in my sitch. And I already called his house which my wife found out about and drove by it which she does not know about but have not done any of that since mid April.
it's not hard putting it in practice. "just do it"
Your W is giving to many good signals/positive signs for you not to go "all in"..
The problem with these sitches IMO..men tend to do stupid things. We get baited. We get defensive. This stuff leads to us flappin our lips and "trouble" rains down upon us.
If you love your W. If you want to save your M. Then you have to let this stupid stuff slide. No backslides..that's the key..
Keep your mouth shut, your ears open when your W says something. remember what she says, hell write it down if you have to, validate and show empathy. Love her unconditionally.
Be there for your W.
Lets be honest-if we had really been there for our W's in the past, would we be here NOW?
Thats why I keep a daily journal so I can look back when I think all has been going bad and see the positive signs. I just need to stop thinking about the whole sitch and become her best friend and the best person I can be. Wanting instant results is not going to happen. I need to remember time and space is what she needs.
Have not had a R talk since 6/1 and don't plan on doing it again.
I liked the Texas Hold'em reference. Love to play that game.
Yesterday was a good day. I had to go into my new office early in the morning before I went to my current job. I was up before 4am and must have woke my wife up because she called me at work to ask why I went into work so early. I can't remember the last time she called just to talk. Usually its about the kids, the house or something that needs done.
I got home cut the grass, got the kids dinner than went back into my new office to finish up what I started in the morning. Told my D that her mother will be home to her and her brother to swim and I would pick them up because my W plays Texas Hold'em on Wednesday at a resturant with her sister and dad.
She ends up calling me again to ask if I was picking the kids up and started to discuss some of the things that were going on at work. Unfortunatley I had to get this job done so I had to end the called quickly.
After I picked the kids up I read DR for a while then went to bed around 10:30 was tired from being up since 4. W came home around 11:00 and came straight to bed. Unlike her normally after poker she watches tv. She was suprised I was up and we talked for a while then she said I sould get some rest and wished me good night. When I rolled over she snuggled up to me. First time in weeks that has happened.
This morning she was up again and when I got out of the bathroom she commented on the fact that I was all dressed up again. Told her thanks and that I was getting ready for my new job and thats why I have been getting so dressed up lately. Told her to have a good day, she said you too and I left for work.
I am tring to not read to much into this but will take any positive signs I can. I need to remember to play it cool and take it one step at a time.
