Hey all, I have a topic over in "I need help for my marital problems". I started that thread before we speperated so my deal has changed.
Here is a brief overview,
Me:33 Her:28 Son:2
Married 4 years, together 10, she moved out 2-27-08, told me 12-05-07 she wanted a divorce, I have son everyday from 1-7, 2-3 nights a week.
Marriage was rocky for 6 months prior to this, We both thought things would just get better.
Went to IC and marriage counseling for 6 weeks, she is still going as far as I know.
She said she never should have married me, wasn't in love when we got married, has no feelings for me, I'm not the kind of person she wants to be with, she has changed as a person. Etc. etc. She never has said ILYBNILWY, she just says she doesn't love me.
She dropped all this on me when I looked at her phone and found text messages from her to my friend, I investigated the phone records and found her and him had been texting or calling almost daily for months. He lives 2000 miles away so if they ever hooked up it happened when he was visiting. She still won't explain her situation with him and basically says I'm crazy and there is or was never anything going on.
Since then I snooped ,went crazy and tried to find out all information I could, it backfired. She knows I don't trust her and I still never found the answers I'm looking for and I realize I never will.
When she moved out, she said we'll do family things all the time, have dinner as a family, She said she would stay at the house a few times a week so son could be here. That lasted a week then she pulled way back. To be expected I know.
She says she isn't ready to date or has any intention or desire to date.
We havent had any relationship talks since a a week or two before she moved out.
I intiate no calls or texts she does both first. She has made it clear that she won't answer any questions about her personal life. So I don't ask them.
I have been doing some small 180's getting back into some hobbies I haven't done in along time. Giving her her space.
So my questions are: 1. Why does she seem so angry still after being out 6 weeks?
2. Do I believe her about not dating? Or is there someone already in the wings?
3. Why the need for so such secrecy?
4. Will she ever remember anything good about the marriage? Or will she need to lie and hide from herself for a long time
In the last week she has called more then she has been. It appears to me that she is checking up on me. Ok I will elaborate more later. I guess the whole looking pissed at me and seeming so mad at the world thing is what I don't get.
I will tell you the only reason for secrecy is to cover a lie. Even my kids notice their dad being more secretive. He hides his phone if he gets a text and once tried to downloan music into ITunes from a CD (from her I suppose) until my son told him it would go on our mutual ITunes account...he flipped out and told him, he didn't want to have his music known to everybody. Yea, my 13yr ask me later why his dad was being so secretive. I told him he should ask his dad what the big deal was.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
1) My stbxW is as angry or more angry today than the day she left. After 16 mths of S I've come to realize that I'll probably never understand why. 2) I don't think about it. Really, I don't want to know. 3) Have to agree with sandycay. 4) I believe the day stbxW said "I don't love you anymore" was the day that she stopped looking back at our M and started looking forward to her life without me.
I know how difficult this can be, but by following DB priciples we make positive changes for ourselves. Hopefully they notice, if not we're better prepared for the next R.
Thanks guys I guess I really new these answers, but hearing it from someone other then myself, makes it more tangible. New question.I went to pick up my babyboy this morning and she had removed all the weeing pictures from her curio cabinet. These had been in place since day one of her move and were prominantly displayed. Why would she remove them? The only thing I can come up with is so other male didn't see them. They were there Thursday, I had my son all weekend, now there gone. Is this the way you would interrupt it also?
So I found out that she has a secret cell phone, but get this its from an area code 2 hours away, she always calls me on the one ones we have had for years. Why would you get a cell from a town 2 hours away when we have the companies here. I looked it up and its registered in her name, so no one gave it to her. It doesn't make sense, she could have got one here and hid it why get one from another area code and hide it?
You have to stop trying to figure "them" out. There is no rhyme or reason that will ever satisfy your need to know. Why would you get a "secret cell phone", to hide secrets....
You have to start focusing your thoughts and energy on yourself. I know I have so many questions that I want answered but the bottom line I have come to is this:
If I ask a question two things can happen:
1) The answer will be a lie, because once they start lying you never know when they decide to tell the truth.
2) They will tell you the truth and it will hurt like hell.
So, the way I figure it, I don't ask because I won't like the answer. Wondering is better than knowing or then you never really know if it's the truth so you start right back where you started from....with questions - rinse and repeat.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
You are right but, there is always this quest to figure out what the f@ck is going on. It's hard to let it go because thing after thing never makes sense.
if I could chime in...you need to stop "spying"...it will eat you alive. Furthermore, only 1 of 2 things will happen. a) you will confirm that it's not a big deal and thus feel the same as you do now. b) you will confirm that it is a big deal and feel horrible. You will get no benefit from option a) or b)...so, don't spend your time figuring her out. You won't...Additionally, you are living your life through her actions. Not your own. You have to drop it. Don't worry about it. Do you really need answers to those kind of questions? And if you talked in person, phone, whatever, would you get the answer or lie...would it make a difference? I just don't see the point...just going to hurt more.
Quote:
1. Why does she seem so angry still after being out 6 weeks?
2. Do I believe her about not dating? Or is there someone already in the wings?
3. Why the need for so such secrecy?
4. Will she ever remember anything good about the marriage? Or will she need to lie and hide from herself for a long time
1) mine was hateful, angry, rage, whatever for 5 months. Now she is friendly every time I see her...not friends yet. Some never drop the anger. I imagine it just depends. 6 weeks seems like a short period of time. Mine was just getting reved up on hateful things then.
2) That's a personal question...do you believe?...have no idea why you would or would not believe her...I will say you are trying to rationalize what she has done. That is not going to work.
3) ummm...I really think some of this is just creating distance from the sitch and you. When they are that kind of angry, I just don't see them sharing a thing with the LBS. Perhaps, they are sharing things with friends or whatever...but once again that is their actions and you have zero control over it. Don't spend time on this...drive you crazy and get nothing out of it.
4) probably...maybe...who knows...don't spend time worrying about it. Focus on you. What answer would she give you? yeah I do, come home? Or nope, not at all, can't stand you, sign 'em now...you aren't going to get the answer you want.
And just so it doesn't sound, fill in the blank, I actually asked my W something very similar to 4...next day I realize how silly a question it was...don't feel bad. We are just hurt and looking for something. BTW, about a minute of silence then a calm, friendly, "i am getting off the phone now, sorry you had a bad day, good-nite." Thought it as positive as could be...but don't ask, it's a silly question. You won't get the answer(s) you want.
