If I could find the MLC hotel, I might just blow it up.
Things here are good. I just finished conferences yesterday and have the day off as comp time for working till 8PM both Wed. and Thurs. H has been laying low--surfacing occasionally but not enough to my liking. He seemed to be starting a new pattern, but he didnt repeat it this week, possibly because he had conferences too. I will continue to observe.
I am so glad to have an extra day off this weekend. Today I spent the morning with FF making Shrinky Dinks. It was very relaxing and fun! H called while I was at FF's, but I didn't answer. Tried to call him back later but no answer on his end. Whatever. Now I'm going to finish the taxes. There's a big wine festival here tomorrow that I'm going to with friends. I feel good!
Random thoughts: I was thinking yesterday about how far I've come in the past year, and how much I've seen H change also. His changes are what keep me hanging on. I also laughed when I thought of how I used to post every single detail of our interactions--it was such a lifeline for me to journal here. I saw someone mention that a lot of old threads are gone, and I'm about to check that out--wish I'd printed all of mine before now. But if they're gone, oh well. Maybe it's a reminder that we shouldn't hang on to the past too tightly.
Also, we've had snow here, which is very unusual for this area. Reminds me of how grateful I am for spring!
Random thoughts: I was thinking yesterday about how far I've come in the past year, and how much I've seen H change also. His changes are what keep me hanging on. I also laughed when I thought of how I used to post every single detail of our interactions--it was such a lifeline for me to journal here. I saw someone mention that a lot of old threads are gone, and I'm about to check that out--wish I'd printed all of mine before now. But if they're gone, oh well. Maybe it's a reminder that we shouldn't hang on to the past too tightly.
Oh my, I remember those days too! I have so many threads b/c I just posted every single thing that happened and that I felt/thought. It was necessary at the time, but for a while now, I haven't bothered, and it's nice to not feel that it's necessary for my sanity.
I like the way you look at the possible loss of the threads: we shouldn't hold on to the past too tightly. It is tempting sometimes, but unhealthy. I have been remembering the bad times b/t X and me, but that's no better than remembering only the good times.
I am really pleased to hear that you are happy with your personal growth. As you posted on my thread, we just have to go with the flow, ha ha ha! I wonder if all teachers have a streak of control freak in them - do you?
N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I wonder if all teachers have a streak of control freak in them - do you?
You know, that's a great question. Previous to this "event" in my life, I would have assured you that there is NO WAY that I, the fabulous and humble amd, could be anything remotley like a control freak. Now I know better. This has been one of the biggest lessons for me from this whole mess, and one that I keep learning. I am the person who reads the beginning of the book, then flips to end, and then reads to rest. I have to know how it's going to turn out. Why else do I get my tarot cards read? I want to know how it's all going to turn out! I always wanted to be in charge because I know best. This comes from lots of places, including being the oldest in the family, from my mom's behavior, etc.
The big secret that I finally discovered and keep trying to get through my thick skull is this: we don't really have control over anything. On a day to day basis, I can control my reactions and thoughts and feelings, but ultimately, life rages on however it's going to go, and you may as well choose to go with the flow. I heard Wayne Dyer talk about this once years ago, long before I knew anything about him and his philosophy. He said that the song "Row Your Boat" is a fantastic metaphor for life, and then he took it apart line by line. He said:
* Whose boat are you going to row? YOURS. Don't try to row anyone else's boat. * How are you going to row it? Gently, and DOWN the stream. Don't try to row upstream. * And row merrily; why? Because life is but a dream.
I try to bear this in mind at all times. Sometimes it really comes in handy!
BTW, I got my cards read yesterday. H has been completely silent for almost a full week, and he's spent a lot of money recently, which really ticked me off because he also hasn't done anything to address the mountain of debt that he's accrued. Virago said he's not been around because he's embarrassed about the debt and is afraid of bill collectors. She said if we get this out of the way, it will make it easier for him to move through the end of the MLC tunnel. She recommended that I be more aggressive in solving this issue and gave me the name of a good mortgage broker to check out some refinancing possibilities for us. I think she's dead on about his guilt, and I'd pretty much resolved to move in this direction anyway, but it helped to have an outside opinion of sorts. She also helped me figure out how to say it all in DB language so that I wasn't smacking him in the face with frustration and anger. I used it in a message last night. Result: he called me this afternoon and said he' thought I might be out of town because he hadn't heard from me in several days. I guess none of my messages made it through and none of my non-message calls showed up on his received calls. Whatever. I was happy to see him tonight.
I'm enjoying spring break. I'm working a lot on house stuff. Today I recaulked the tub. Talk about feng shui! I keep walking back in there to look at my handiwork!:) H was just here, and I managed to include him in the project, sort of: I asked if the caulk needed to be thicker. He said yes. I said, "Thanks, I needed an expert opinion." He just laughed--he is NOT handy, and he knows it. He also asked about other projects, and I told him that I might need his help replacing the closet doors in the bedroom. He said OK, but we all know how that goes.
One thing I need to confess to you all: I ironed a shirt that he left here a few weeks ago just to be nice and saw that there was a laundry mark below the button holes. On closer inspection, I saw it was ow's name. First I crossed it out with a Sharpie, and then I cut it out completely and ironed interfacing over to hole so it won't fray. If he notices, I plan to be as vague as possible about how that might have happened. Not a great plan, but I think it may work on his MLC peabrain.
OK, I guess that's it. I hate it when he leaves. Thanks for letting me babble. Be well, friends.
One thing I need to confess to you all: I ironed a shirt that he left here a few weeks ago just to be nice and saw that there was a laundry mark below the button holes. On closer inspection, I saw it was ow's name. First I crossed it out with a Sharpie, and then I cut it out completely and ironed interfacing over to hole so it won't fray. If he notices, I plan to be as vague as possible about how that might have happened. Not a great plan, but I think it may work on his MLC peabrain.
Hee hee - priceless! Almost as good as gluing his cologne shut!
I like that "Row your boat" mnemonic; I think it will be useful for me too. Realizing that I actually have very little control - none really - over what happens to me (not what I do with it) is a lesson I need to keep learning, over and over and over again. I am getting better about it, though.
The messages...yeah, let it go. At least his lies are so obvious you don't have to worry that you'll actually fall for them!
Love, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Nicola: We are both better than we used to be, baby! BTW, I agree about when BOTH parties decide that they are no longer married--I was trying to say the same thing but didn't want to belabor point on your thread.
Thanks for remembering Operation Glue the Cologne Shut--I feel that it was one of my triumphs!
WCW: No, I don't think the shirt is a test. I think he may not even know that her name was in it. He is not at his most observant while under the MLC influence. It is hanging in his closet right now. Here's something else interesting: when he arrived on Tuesday night, he was dressed up as if he'd been to a JW meeting (argh!) and carried his "comfy" clothes. After we were in the throes of passion, he changed into them and left his dressy clothes on the bedroom floor. About 10 minutes or so after he left, he came back for the clothes and said that he'd realized that he left them lying around and apologized for it because it wasn't very nice of him. Crazy, right? I told him that it didn't matter, and he apologized again, so I thanked him for thinking of it. Too bad I didn't get a look inside that shirt as well!
I'm still figuring out my Wisconsin plans. I think I'm supposed to fly into Minneapolis and drvie a few hours. It's all a mystery to me right now--I'll let you know more soon!
amd, I know you're not posting as often or as much but hey! you just snuck this in the middle there... It's nice you have that connection. Do you think it is helping you and H?
At the risk of offending please take this in the helpful manner it is intended. There was Operation Glued Cologne, Operation Missing Skates(or shoes?), Operation Omit Laundry Label. Does ow still have too much power of your thoughts and actions?
Hope you're getting lots done but still enjoying your spring break!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Whatever. I was happy to see him tonight.
It's nice you have that connection. Do you think it is helping you and H?