Why Can't I DB the right way??

[water2moon]

I just mentioned this DB and he says its a terrible inconvenience.And she can still reach him at his job if she really wanted to.But I'm a little upset about this because I wish he would have asked me what I thought before he called her and there was no hesistation. He heard her crying and just called right away. So what if it happens again?? He says he wont call back but who knows..And I realize that I can't stop it if he does want to reach her. Just that it's unfortunate that is till can't have any peace of mind. When will this end already??

[GoingForward]

Right. You can't control what H does, and if he gives in to more contact with OW, that is his choice.

But what you CAN do is set your own limits. However, you MUST also be able to ENFORCE THEM.

What happened after H told you of the phone call with OW? What did YOU do and/or say to H that let him know this is not alright with you?

If it happens again, will you be ok with it? If not, what will be the consequence for your H not respecting your personal boundaries?

[Abbey]

Puppy, yes... trust but verify. That's where I was at this morning. I had been told the OW had been told to no longer contact him... but he did make a 4 minute call to her 5 days later. And she made another long call was to him 10 days after the promise.

Sara and Watermoon... we have such similar situations... again .. right down to the timing etc. Today I went ape&^%$! on his head this morning. To hell with the no ranting and raving mantra. I even threw a roll of packing tape at his head. Dang near hit him too. (I've NEVER been even remotely violent or aggressive to him in 19 years... but this morning, he got it full boar.).

I screamed, yelled, ranted and raved and told him he OWED me the piece of mind to finally let my life MOVE ON if his "friendship"... not affair, he says... but "friendship" is THAT important to him that he wouldn't clear the decks enough for us to start "over" from scratch. (We're separating in order to start from scratch as friends - his idea not mine.)

I ripped him out... said I got rid of my friend that he had a problem with... don't care if that person lives or dies to be honest... but it's now HIS turn. I said: I'm pleading with you... get rid of her... we need to either rebuild or put this relationship to bed in the next however many months... and we CANNOT do that with 3rd party players who cause you and I to distrust. He assured me again that he intends to make every effort to work and MAKE effort to be friends, to best friends to where ever that leads from there. I further set the boundary after he affirmed that ... if there is ANY MORE contact other than a brief "hello" because he frequents a place she sometimes is at ... and it gets back to me... I will have deemed him to have made his choice and he can shove his "friendship" and ANY involvement from me in his life... straight you know where.

Oddly... what was extremely tense... actually finished off rather well.

After I told him I deserved to have the right to either have hope, or have it finally killed so I can pick up the pieces of my life and MOVE on without him. I go him to agree to NO contact, no phone calls from her, none from him, no touching, nothing other than a courteous hello... nothing more. He breaches that... DARK DARK DARK. Ya know?

Anyway... He assured me that he means what he says about working on the friendship between us so we can figure things out ... and he reached out to touch me ... and then then hugged me and let me cry in his arms for a while, we then agreed we DESERVE a clean slate to work at whatever is left of us (he still thinks in terms of friendship... that's fine, I'll do the rest of that road paving)... and before he left to go do a biz errand... he was playful and hugging. Same when he got home. He kidded around a bit and I said very simply.. you need to be gentle with me. I need you to think how difficult and what your reaction would be if you had been promised something... and then felt deceived. He seemed to soften after that... tremendously. RR was a smart man

Sometimes setting boundaries is what ya have to do. It was a calculated risk... but I simply decided... you lied to me about the affair, you're STILL not going to own up to it... you keep in contact after you promised me she was out of the picture AND you swore no more contact... we had a deal. He breaks it... he can KISS me goodbye til he grows back his brain. I simply AM NOT going to let my life be tanked by a deceitful lying spouse.

Tomorrow I'll be back to feeling like my entire world is falling apart... but today... I feel pretty darn good about growing my own back bone about this. Don't sweat the rants... from what folks have said, they've all done their share of them before this gets easier ... we try to stop them ... but sometimes - 2 in particular in my case... seemed to work out very well.

Abbey.

[Sugar and Spice]

W2M, I haven't posted here but read your sitch and just wanted to check on you to see how you are?

Hope all is going well today.

Corey

[Kimmie Lee]

I think it's interesting how OW can simply start crying and H is there in a split second to make it all better.

But if W starts to cry, well that is considered needy and persuing......interesting indeed.

[Snow White]

I think it's interesting how OW can simply start crying and H is there in a split second to make it all better.

But if W starts to cry, well that is considered needy and persuing......interesting indeed.

that is because when OW cries H can save her, when W cries he feels the guilt because it is his doing.

[water2moon]

I had another setback late last night. After a couple of good days and H becoming more affectionate again I went and ruined it and now I know he's once again having his doubts. So here's what transpired, Yesterday he worked a double. During the A I discovered he would do things such as switch shifts,tell me he was working overtime etc and it wasn't always true.So during the first shift he called constantly..That was from 2PM-10PM..The next shift was to start at 10PM-6AM.So at 10 PM he tells me to call or text before going to bed and told me not to get upset if he didn't reply right away. At 11:30 I sent him a text saying goodnight, he called back 2 seconds later saying he was driving to a call and could not text beck. About 20 mins later I sent him a text again reminding him about my daughters project. So no reply at all..I wait ten minutes and begin calling..no response. I begin to assume the worst, that he's back with OW and not really at work at all.So I left him 2 voice mails crying telling him that he needs to call me right away or I'll drive down there..Now that I think back on it I sounded like a loon! I went as far as programming the OW's Addy into the GPS because I was going to drive there and see if his car was there.I also called his station to see if he was there, they told me he was on the road. Rather than accept that I start to think crazy thoughts, like he asked them to lie.He finally calls me at about 1AM. I didn't yell or accuse but just told him what I had been thinking and that I'm tired of feeling this way and always doubting. But he lied to me for 3 months on and off about it being over and the pain is fresh. So he tells me he's at the Police station because a 15 yr old was stabbed but also being questioned by the police and he had to stay with the boy. I heard lots of people talking and realized he really was where he said he was. I felt foolish and stupid and I know there will be times that he really can't call me and that it looks bad if he takes out his phone and calls or texts while he's working.This morning he told me he overheard the boy's father comment to a cop that the Paramedic who was with his son cared more about making a phone call than staying with his injured son and he felt badly about that. Also if the man were to complain if would look bad for my H. I feel like an idiot now..A crazy raving lunatic, thats' me..Why can't I learn to let go? GAL and move on??

[Puppy Dog Tails]

W2M,

I would suggest that you set up a good intel ("snooping") system, and then leave your "tracking him down" communications with your husband completely out of your intel loop.

I had a GPS-enabled phone hidden in my wife's trunk that would send me e-mail alerts on my BlackBerry if her car got within 100 yards of OM's house or the hook-up house (friend of OM) they'd been using), as well as her place of work, so I'd know if she was really there or not.

Then I went about my life.

Your "stalking" behavior is only driving yourself batty, and -- more importantly -- making you LESS attractive in your husband's eyes. There's nothing wrong with a good intel system to verify a wayward spouse's compliance with agreed-upon "no-contact," but calling and texting constantly isn't the way to do it.

Puppy

[Starshyne]

I know how it eats away at you. Being lied to for any amount of time makes you start to doubt yourself and so much of what you held to be the truth. But the way you are going about it isn't healthy for you or your marriage. You need to take what he says at face value right now and if something else is going on, it will come to surface.

I noticed that last night my H had his cell phone next to his bed again. That concerns me, especially when he was taking a shower the phone was no longer there. The first though in my mind was that he was contacting the OW again. He could very well be or he could have been charging his phone and in the morning unplugged it and put it in his briefcase so not to forget it. But I can't let this eat me up. And I can't contact the OW (as I have in the past) and ask her. That has only caused me grief in the past. So I am going to keep on keeping on and know that if something is going on again between him and the OW again, other behaviors will start to occur.

Sara

[GoingForward]

w2m,

What is your goal?

If it is to push your H out the door, then keep doing what you're doing.

But if it is not, and I believe it's not, then you have GOT TO STOP yourself from this behavior. This is the ONLY thing YOU have control over.

I can totally empathize with you and the need you have to feel reassured, but you have got to get a grip on yourself.