Strange... you and MO2C talk and she wants to separate. My W and I don't and she is not going anywhere...
Damned if ya do and damned if ya don't These things are tough to figure out, aren't they?
So we talked some more last night.
Yes, Mo2C is really serious about the moving out and is planning on doing just that. Not sure when, but I'm guessing soon.
Yes, she does want to continue to work on us during this separation. She wants some time apart for both of us to think about ourselves, each other, the relationship and spend some good individual time with the kids.
We will date each other, yet she gives me permission (even wants) me to see other women. She tells me that for her, dating is the last thing on her mind.
One more thing...
Originally Posted By: hopeforfuture
So since Mo2C has announced that she wants to separate, things have seemed to be more tense around the house and the daily hello / goodbye kisses have stopped. I find myself again struggling with how to best interact with W. What is appropriate behavior and what would be unwelcome. How much talking is too much and when does too little look like I'm trying to avoid her. I know the answer is going to be just ask. Neither of you are a mind reader.
One more thing. Before going to bed last night, I kissed Mo2C on the lips and told her that I missed those kisses. She told me that just for the record, it was me that stopped the kissing.
I guess I did, but didn't see it that way or realize that it was me that stopped it. I felt as though she had been slowly pulling back from the affectionate gestures and when she said she wanted to separate, I made some assumptions.
I guess I did, but didn't see it that way or realize that it was me that stopped it. I felt as though she had been slowly pulling back from the affectionate gestures and when she said she wanted to separate, I made some assumptions.
HFF,
I sometimes wonder if this is true in my sitch also. Not so very good thought have been crossing my mind while I wait for W to get a job. I have been thinking (just thinking) about moving out myself. Talking to friend that is getting divorced about maybe getting a place together. I feel so winey; I mean my problems compared to yours seem so trivial. We are talking. (NOT R). But that is it. I don't want a step sister. Am I being unreasonable wanting a wife? We have been working together with son's homework with a lot more respect for each others talents. (Me the artistic side and her the analytical side). I was not going to post today. I just don't know. Some other things I was thinking Is kind of what MO2C did and leave my E-mail open. Leave a "letter" up about my thoughts of leaving... I promised I would not talk R with her until she got a job. I know she needs to keep a PMA if she interviews. Ok enough self pity party for today. One other thing that happened on the way to work this morning... I almost hit a deer... I bet that does not happen everyday in NJ I called friend last night about going out Friday. (The one getting divorced). He did not sound too good. He asked if he could call me back tomorrow (today). I said "sure what's wrong, you sound really tired?" He said "ya I am tired" Asked if he needed to talk and wanted me to come over tonight? He said no but he really needs to talk to me and wants to meet up Friday for a few drinks. Said he will call me back Friday.
Later
Dr Love
( sorry for using up your thread, I kinda started running of at the fingers)
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I feel so winey; I mean my problems compared to yours seem so trivial. We are talking. (NOT R). But that is it. I don't want a step sister. Am I being unreasonable wanting a wife?
I'm not sure I agree on your problems seeming trivial. Not that I want to make you feel worse, but you've been stuck in really the same spot for a long time. I know our situation isn't optimum, but I don't envy you either. Nothing easy about either situation.
Originally Posted By: "Husband"
I was not going to post today.
I told myself I would just do the one post before I left in the morning and then not look again. Ooops. Here I am, posting again. All your fault doc.
Originally Posted By: "Husband"
I just don't know. Some other things I was thinking Is kind of what MO2C did and leave my E-mail open. Leave a "letter" up about my thoughts of leaving... I promised I would not talk R with her until she got a job. I know she needs to keep a PMA if she interviews.
Maybe not such a bad idea, but I personally would leave out the thoughts of leaving part. I dunno, but that might come across as pretty heavy. If you do decide to do something along that line, feel free to have us sanity check it beforehand.
Originally Posted By: "Husband
Ok enough self pity party for today. One other thing that happened on the way to work this morning... I almost hit a deer... I bet that does not happen everyday in NJ
Happy it was just almost. Are you kidding?? Deer in NJ? They're as common as squirrels, and dead deer on the side of the road is a very common site. Never hit one myself, but have come close. Believe it or not, the part of NJ where we live is really quite rural. Trees, farms, wildlife. I actually almost bumped into a bear when I was walking one night.
Originally Posted By: "Husband"
He said no but he really needs to talk to me and wants to meet up Friday for a few drinks. Said he will call me back Friday.
Doc, today is Friday. Have a drink for me tonight. Enjoy yourself.
We had one of our nieces stay two nights with us over this past weekend. After dinner on Friday, Mo2C and I started talking. She mentioned that one of the apartments that she had looked at had already been taken. I mentioned that it sounded like fate that maybe she should stay instead of go. I told her that she really didn't need to go. I thought that if the intent was to continue to work on us, the moving out seemed a little drastic. She got flustered that I have been saying that I would support her and yet it seems like I keep changing my mind. She asked me what my major concern was. Was it that I would be losing her and didn't want to let go? I told her that a lot of it was the money that was bothering me. That I didn't think that it was wise to spend a thousand a month on an apartment when we can't seem to stay within our budget currently. We went off on a tangent about money in general and how we've been spending too freely over the past year. Sensitive topic in general, but then we got back to the R discussion.
She said that she thought this was the only way for her to really know if it was me that she really wanted or if she was just comfortable being here. She wants me to take advantage of it an see other people. She asked me what it was that I was so afraid of when thinking about the separation. I told her that I thought it was the idea of being alone. I remember back before I had met her, it felt like it was so hard to find someone to be with. I remember thinking that the whole dating scene really sucked and dread going through that again. On the other hand, in the months when she was having the affair, there had been several times when women actually picked me up, so maybe it isn't all that bad.
She asked why is it that I want to stay with her when she doesn't give me the things that I deserve. She wants to think of me when she is at work. She wants to want to come home to me and be happy to see me. She wants to want to cuddle with me at night and want to make love. We talked a lot about her changing libido and that much of this started years back. Was it because I had high libido and was often pursuing her? Making her feel pressured and then withdrawing? She now has a different libido, so it is hard to compare then to now. She said even now she can feel the desire for sex, but not necessarily want it with me.
I said that if she or I were to start dating, it can be easy to find someone that will trigger the feelings of passion and desire. Thinking about that person all the time just because it is something new. How do you know that once you've found that someone new that you won't end up in the same situation five or ten years down the road. How do you know that you may come to realize that what you've left behind was really a good thing?
We talked about the logistics of her moving. I told her that I would help her move. She seemed surprised by this. We talked about the things that she is planning on bringing and we were both on the same page for just about everything that was mentioned.
We also talked about why it is that people are expected to remain monogamous for life. Why aren't other relationships more accepted? Why is it that it isn't accepted to have more than one partner in life? Are we fighting nature by trying to maintain a monogamous relationship for 50 years? Is that an unrealistic expectation?
We started to get into some flirtatious talk. She mentioned that after she's in the apartment, maybe I could get a babysitter and then sneak over to the apartment for a rendezvous. Maybe the whole separation and time apart will really be a good thing for us. Maybe this is just what we need to do. She did say that if there was ever a good time to do this, it is now. Now, because we are really able to talk and be honest with each other. If she had moved out three months ago, the outcome would have been very different. If she stays and things don't improve after a year, she'll be resentful. I think I'm starting to agree that this could be a good move for everyone involved. Difficult at times yes, but the end result could be very positive.
We ended the conversation agreeing that her moving is really what should happen and that we should tell the kids and set a date for two weeks from now.
I have spent some time reading your situation and Mo2 views.
A couple of phrases come to mind.
The grass isn't always greener on the otherside but we don't believe it until we experience it.
Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it and some things you really don't want.
Nothing drives us to do things, we choose to do things because we want too! My reaction to your action becomes my action. I am responsible for all of my actions not someone else.
Anger, resentment, and guilt drive us to do terribly foolish things.
I think that making a decision and sticking to it is admirable, avoiding the roller coaster. I do also know that making a decision and realizing and sharing that it wasn't the right one is even more admirable.
Personally the people in this world that impress me the most are not those that don't make mistakes, but rather those that do and admit and try to change their future decisions based on those lessons.
The only people that impress me even more than the aforementioned are those that truely forgive when mistakes occur.
I hope for the best for yourselves and your children. I trust it will come clean in the end.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
We started to get into some flirtatious talk. She mentioned that after she's in the apartment, maybe I could get a babysitter and then sneak over to the apartment for a rendezvous. Maybe the whole separation and time apart will really be a good thing for us. Maybe this is just what we need to do.
HFF - this is exactly what my wife and I started to do 3 years ago (after I backed off of course). It was a turning point for us and while there was no guarantee that things would work out, we both realized that we were getting to know each other again and finding what it was that attracted us to each other in the first place.
Keep up the communication, you seem to be doing really well with this.
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
Michael, Thanks for the words of support. Hope all is going well with you. With spring right around the corner, we'll need to plan on getting together for a BBQ.
