I think it might be time........

[christarn]

Mo2c....How many times a day do we all think "what if?" I am a RN at a hospital, today I had a patient Code for 40 minutes, yes CPR/Defibrillating the whole 9 yards for 40 minutes, and I have asked my self repeatidly today "What if, I had done this, or that, or the other" The thing is, we as humans always question ourselves and our judgment, it is what makes us human. As someone once said "To error is to be human"

I wonder everyday what my life would be like had I not left my H. Would I have a child by now? Or would we still be fighting...either way, if I could change what I did, I never ever in a million years would choose to leave. And I would like you to look at everything you have inside your home, and think about it for a good long while before you do make your decision...because you may never get it back. And that is a very hard reality. Once you walk out, there is no turning back, no turning back the clock, what is done...is done. Your children will have to live with the decisions you make, and so will you, as well as your S. That's a total of 4 people, who will all have feelings, emotions, and physical side effects of this decision also. Thinking one can leave for a few months, and their spouse will be like "oh honey come back home, I welcome you with loving arms," is a false presumption.

I don't want you to think I am being harsh. I just truly want you to think about the decision you are going to make not only for you, but for your H and your children, before you make it. There are a ton of great resources out there to help build up troubled R/M's all one has to do is want it...and it's available.

I know there are more than a few of us WAW's on these boards that would do anything to get our S's back. And there are also LBS's who wish there S would have never left. I'm just wanting you to think before you act. And look inside yourself and see who or what you are really angry with. Sometimes the answeres are within ourselves.

Take care,
Christa

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Mo2C,

A few last thoughts. Know that I only say these things b/c, although I don't know you, I truly care. None of us wish this pain on anyone else.

Hope - i do want to find that happiness within myself. I think that what i need is a break to find that. i have always done what others expected, wanted, etc. I have never really been myself.

I said the same thing to myself. I just need to find myself, discover what I want, heal myself and become a better person/wife, go now before we end up fighting endlessly......
Like I have said you have the power of information (see Michele's "change your life and everyone in it") and I hope you do find yourself. You most definitely don't want to lose yourself or you can't give back to anyone else.

HFF and i just had a really good conversation about ALL of this. I feel better, i think he does too. I still believe that taking a break will do us both some good. HFF is not furious with me, he understands (though doesn't necessarily agree with) where i am coming from. If it is going to happen, then now is the time to do it. This is hard to explain but i feel if i don't do it now under these seemingly "ok" situations (not really ok but not at all volatile) i will always think - what if.

As did H and I. After several conversations I helped H to feel comfortable with what I was doing, in fact he helped me move to my new place. I'm not saying sep is right or wrong and having been there I can understand that you think it is. I hope that you are one of the lucky one's. Christa had some great advice. Please consider all the WAW's we have been there and felt what you are feeling to a degree. I wish you nothing but the best and if you do sep please don't put your M on the backburner. You can make yourself and your M a priority.

Hugs

[Dr LOve]

Mo2C,

You have my E-mail

Dr LOve

[hopeforfuture]

MMC,
I was having trouble finding that connection between my H and I. My H and I were not aware of Michele's books and her wealth of knowledge. I believe that Mo2c has the advantage of having the knowledge of Michele's books. Had I known that I held many of the misperceptions about marriage Michele talks about in her books I would have seen that our problems and feelings were not only normal, but could be overcome.

Healing the relationship really has to start within yourself. If I were in Mo2c position I would do a lot of soul searching, read all Michele's books, and try to find my own happiness. I believe that at times the the unhappiness we feel can be a result of our own personal unhappiness, attitudes and issues and it is reflected in our relationships and that will follow us from relationship to relationship. I would also read the 5LL and try to better understand my H's love language.

Michele explains it so much better than I ever could. Love is a choice. You get out what you put in. The quote Sara posted above say's it perfectly. Start with a beginners mind

We talked about Michele's books and philosophies last night. W knows that love is a choice and all that. We have the 5LL book and did identify each others love languages, but I was just thinking. I don't think that W has really read the books.

Maybe we could read some of these together...

That just reminded me of one of our counseling sessions. Counselor suggested that we both read Michele's Divorce Busters book. Together. Outloud.

I ran out and bought the book. Read about half of it before I got home. It made a lot of sense to me, so I was eager to read to my W that night. DOH!! That went over like a ton of bricks. I later told our counselor to never, ever suggest that book to both partners and to come to this board to do a little research. It's amazing how counterproductive the wrong therapy can be.

[Sara]

After the Affair by Janis Spring was a good book, meant for both partners. We didn't read it aloud, but we both took turns reading it. And found it helpful. At least the first few chapters. We didn't go all the way through it. She does an excellent job of categorizing the reasons people have affairs and then she clearly explains how it is never the faithful spouse's fault that the other spouse has an affair. This was extremely valuable to me, because my husband insisted that his affair was my fault.

I stand by what I said about dialoguing being important as an effective means of communication. Our experience is that is isn't so much what either of us said in the dialogue, but the act of coming to agreement on the question, giving both of us equal say in answering the question, and having time after to delve further. The act of dialoguing brought us closer. It broke down barriers, exposed hidden hurts, brought out small happinesses that might have been overlooked, taught us to be considerate in how we spoke to each other, and gave us a feeling of working together. Before dialoguing my husband and I were pulling in different directions, each of us trying to "win" an argument and make our opinion prevail. Now we look for compromise. We were on opposite teams, now we are a team. And that is what marriage should be. Life is tough, two people working together can do better than two people going in different directions.

[Dr LOve]

Sara,


About dialoguing being important as an effective means of communication. I think expressing your self and your thoughts are fine but you also need to be open to listening..to digesting what is being said by the other person...

Dr LOVe

[hopeforfuture]

Sara,
About dialoguing being important as an effective means of communication. I think expressing your self and your thoughts are fine but you also need to be open to listening..to digesting what is being said by the other person...
Dr LOVe

Dr,
That is a key concept with the Retro dialog. You read what the spouse has written. Once for understanding then again for feelings (do I have that right?). Then you discuss with each other what you have written to make sure that each of you understand the feelings. It can be very effective.

Mo2C and I do a good job of understanding each others feelings. I really do think I understand what it is that she is missing emotionally. What I struggle with (as is she), is how to restore this. We are so close, but there is a very critical component that is just out of reach.

Last night when we were talking, I suggested (in jest), that I could perhaps hypnotize her to give her these feelings back.

[Dr LOve]

Thanks Hff,

I can't wait for us (my W and I, not me and you) to go to Retro..
Doc

[hopeforfuture]

I can't wait for us (my W and I, not me and you) to go to Retro..
Doc

You never know Doc, this could make for a great long distance relationship! Joking - really!

So just a little updating on things. Mo2C went out this evening to look at potential places to live local to us. I was thinking that she was still unsure of the path forward, but it seems as though she is pretty certain about this as a path forward.

More later...

[Michael Mc C]

MO2C - I sincerely hope that you can and will take the time you need, whether in the same house as HFF or separated, to discover what you feel is missing.

I look at my wife and my sitch and although we are "piecing", I wonder "what is it that she needs?" She has opened up to me more in the past 2 months than she has in the past 20 years. That is NOT an exaggeration.

I hope that you can find within yourself the need/desire that you WANT HFF to fulfill and I hope you are able to give him this information without reservation.

My wife and I have discussed the current developments in your lives and we both are wishing for the best for all of you - regardless of what that turns out to be. The two of you are fun, energetic and outgoing. Hell, my BIL and his GF still talk about you!

MO2C - I hope that you will soon be able to open up to HFF in a way that you have so far been unable to do. This is vital. It may be awkward and it may be embarrassing but compare THIS to this to what you MAY be walking away from.

I kid you not (NJ phrase?), my wife and I had a conversation today that I thought would never happen. She was very happy to be able to tell me exactly "what" was missing in our marriage and believe it or not, as much as a hit to my pride as it was, I was very happy to hear it. Do not underestimate the power of honesty and do not think that HFF should know what you need because you've been together for x number of years.

I am not being preachy here, I am being honest. I count you and HFF as friends and I will, as I have done in the past, tell you exactly what I feel.

"If HFF does not dance the way you would like him to dance, make sure you tell him..."

The above phrase applies to so many aspects: Child rearing, laundry, financial stability, intimacy and how he mows the lawn (just to name a few). We will never know if you do not tell us.

For all those who may be interested: I have told my wife, since September, that I can only work with the information that I have been given. If I ask if things are fine, a "yes" means that things are fine.