WAW...now the LBS Part 2

[HOPEFULinCALI]

jmw,

You were talking about a real yard? LMAO.
I thought it was a metaphore. Either way it applied to the post. Funny though.

I thought that you handled the court issue well also. Sometimes it is difficult if not impossible to avoid some issues.

My H emailed me today to ask me to xfer money to his account for pool cleaning if I can afford it. I can afford it and I can't use that as an excuse since I am going out of town with some girlfriends for the weekend. I don't plan on paying for it under the grounds that it is inappropriate given our sitch, but my only hesitation is that it has become a health issue. We had the yard cleaned and all the debris got into the pool. Now it looks like a swamp with hundreds of mosquitoes. I am perhaps a little paranoid of west nile and anyone getting bit especially my pup since she is outside quite a bit. My other hesitation is that he seems to think that we will own the house together as partners long after he claims our D will be final.

[jmw128]

You were talking about a real yard? LMAO.

too funny...yeah it's about 12"deep. clover in full bloom...sure the guinea pig is just loving the harvest. rofl.

H emailed me today to ask me to xfer money to his account for pool cleaning if I can afford it. I can afford ... I don't plan on paying ... it is inappropriate given our sitch,...

Funny this money stuff. Just adds complications. My W told me few days ago that she goes more in debt every month. But hasn't sent info for me and hasn't for months...this pool thing just is weird to me. I went back and reread where you first described your feelings about the pool. I just don't get it. He wants you to pay for something you don't use without permission, yet asks, and I guess expects, you to pay for it. It is kind of like paying 1/2 of "his" house bills in a way. Like why would I pay 1/2 of my wife phone bill? Or, if you had a pool would he be paying 1/2? I doubt it.

Now, that said, I don't really know how I would handle it. Obviously my way with WAW isn't working...lol. Perhaps since he emailed you then a response in that medium would be good. Short and brief.

if I can afford it. I can afford it and I can't use that as an excuse...girlfriends for the weekend.

Hate to tell you but whether you can afford it or not is irrelevant. I know you are looking for an escape where you don't have to say the way you feel and no money would be easy. However, I wouldn't want my W to think I had no money/strugglin' whatever.

Now with your doubts of bugs and such sounds like you might pay 1/2 anyhow...if you do, would you use the pool without needing permission? perhaps on your nursing days?

thanks again...

gl2u...going to spend some more time thinking about it. I'll try to post b4 I leave for fri-sat fishing trip...

[HOPEFULinCALI]

jmw,

Thanks for your input. I spoke with H tonight briefly. Something out of the ordinary happened. Usually when I call he answers with an unenthusiastic hello. Tonight when I called he answered as if excited to talk to me like a friend and was upbeat during the entire conversation. It was a pleasant surprise.

A brief overview of the convo.
Me: How much did you say you need for the pool?
H: Half
Me: How much?
H: 250
Me: I was thinking that I don't think that it is appropriate
H: (confused) appropriate? Ok, but you said that you might help that is why I asked. So does that mean that the house is mine since you aren't going to contribute.
Me: Well I only mean that I am not welcome to use the house and say who comes and goes.
H: You can not say who comes and goes, but you are welcome whenever
Me: I can't... but I can...
H: Yes
Me: Maybe I can't say who comes and goes, but I would like to be informed in advance and not when they are on their way.
H: Of course. (He goes on to tell me no one is coming for the next few months)
So I agree to help since...
1. He still pays for my car insurance and cell phone
2. He will use me not paying to do completely as he wants with the home which to a great extent he already does.
The rest is pretty routine and he invites me over to visit on Friday.

Very frustrating and a lesson in holding back. My PMA for the day: A pleasant change in his attitude.

[jaw3149]

HiC-

That is a very nice conversation and his change in attitude is VERY positive. Keep up the PMA and DBing. I know you can do this and he will realize what he is missing out on with you!

My situation seems to just be spiraling downward. She has moved her clothes out and some of her stuff. She is looking for a place of her own. Right now she is just living at a friend's house. We hung out Wednesday night. We went to a hockey game together. It was like hanging out with a bitchy cousin. I could tell she didn't really want to be hanging out with me. It was even work to make conversation. Lately I feel like throwing in the towel; but I won't. It has almost been 2 months since I received papers. I can't believe I am already thinking about giving up. She does make it a lot easier to do the LRT though. I am distancing myself even more. I am going to let her start initiating contact and see how that goes.

My PMA - she has made the LRT VERY easy lately!

Again, keep up the good work HiC. You inspire me to keep at it.

[Gypsy]

Hey HiC..

*gives you a big ole snuggly hug*

This is such a topsy turvy world. Have a great time with your girlfriends!

I'm learning with my new development..

I don't want the marriage I had.
I welcome people in my life who respect me.
I have a choice.

Those three things are helping me move forward. I'm not living my spouse's life, I'm in mine. Thinking of what he's really doing or might be doing doesn't do nuttin' for me.

The way your husband talks sounds like he can run you in loops like mine can. Just go with what you think is right. If you don't agree, sit down and meet him with an agenda written down, with a table between you. This is only business. Are you to the point where lawyers are involved? Find out what your legal rights are. My lawyer had to send a note to my husband telling him to stop trying to give me litigation strategy.

As much as you DB and give to others, this is ultimately YOUR life, my sweet petite. Go forth and shine with the beauty that is you!

*hugs*

[jmw128]

Very frustrating and a lesson in holding back.

I wish I'd have had that lesson prior to the conversation that your post wasn't harsh enough...lol. It also appears, although you didn't state it, that you talked less than him and spent more time just listening to him talk. Just an observation from your summary. Regardless, I think you did wonderfully. You stated exactly what you needed. Funny, how observant we are about the small things now. Like if upbeat, pleasant, friendly, how they say "hi"...glad you picked up on the pleasant change in attitude. Makes you feel good when you hear it. That is a positive.

Saw W Sunday picking up 5D - was brief, friendly, and nice. No negative topics, tones, etc...when leaving said "have a nice day" and she said, "u2". About a month ago, she would not have said squat. So, "u2" is a very small difference that is positive.

I really appreciated your response to my post last week when W brought up D stuff. I reflected on it some over the weekend. When I think about it or of other things that I left out of my post, I think about things you wrote and I feel...well, I truly thank you. Her friendliness - especially the contact after latest D talk, her continuing to "prolong" things, and relenting on equal time with 5D are big positives that I can hold onto for now.


Jaw3149 --- quick thoughts, if you don't mind...

We hung out Wednesday night. We went to a hockey game together. It was like hanging out with a bitchy cousin. I could tell she didn't really want to be hanging out with me. It was even work to make conversation.

I think it is positive that she would consider doing anything, especially an event as involved as going to hockey game with travel, length of time, etc... I hope you get my point, it's not as simple as going to movies or something. However, you describe it where it was almost miserable. Your post read to me like she needs at least some space. Also, it sounds like you were working too hard. You even say it was work to talk. Just thoughts. Just remember, she went and that is a big positive. Mine would not go to that I imagine. Be patient and consistent.

My PMA - she has made the LRT VERY easy lately!

I went through something similar, I think. When W was just brutally hateful, it was easy for me for a day or maybe a few days. It does help you detach, almost by force, because you just cannot continue to get beat down.

gl2u

[HOPEFULinCALI]

My situation seems to just be spiraling downward. It has almost been 2 months since I received papers. I can't believe I am already thinking about giving up.

jaw,

Thanx for your support!

Don't underestimate the tremendous emotional, physical, and mental toll of the sitch. It is normal to want to give up and have relief from the pain. Posting here and reminding myself of my goals keep me going. I try not to focus on what is, but what could be. PMA. I know that as much as I want to give up at times I am not yet done with my marriage and I can't walk away until then.

Hang in there!

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Gypsy,

You are a sweetheart. You sure know how to pick a gal up! Thx!

There are no lawyers involved as he has yet to file. My mother did take the liberty of informing her friend, a lawyer, of my sitch and I plan on speaking with her to know my legal rights.

Thanx again!

[HOPEFULinCALI]

I wish I'd have had that lesson prior to the conversation that your post wasn't harsh enough...lol. It also appears, although you didn't state it, that you talked less than him and spent more time just listening to him talk. Regardless, I think you did wonderfully. You stated exactly what you needed. Funny, how observant we are about the small things now.

I think that you held yourself together quite well.

When speaking with H I am always working on being aware of my verbal and nonverbal communication. I realize that although I am entitled to my opinion that it may not always be welcome and may be viewed as invasive, overbearing or whatever the case may be.

The small things, true. I only wish I could have been more appreciative of the small things when things were good between us.

Saw W Sunday picking up 5D - was brief, friendly, and nice. No negative topics, tones, etc...when leaving said "have a nice day" and she said, "u2". About a month ago, she would not have said squat. So, "u2" is a very small difference that is positive. Her friendliness - especially the contact after latest D talk, her continuing to "prolong" things, and relenting on equal time with 5D are big positives that I can hold onto for now.

Those "small" things are adding up! Sounds like things are back on track. Yay.

I really appreciated your response to my post last week when W brought up D stuff. I reflected on it some over the weekend. When I think about it or of other things that I left out of my post, I think about things you wrote and I feel...well, I truly thank you.

Don't mention it. I always appreciate your support and advice.

[jmw128]

Those "small" things are adding up! Sounds like things are back on track.

thanks, can always use the PMA shot. Basically, no contact, short of family member in surgery and 5D pick-up Sunday, in a week...and will be almost 2 weeks until next contact...DB coach scheduled for Thursday...looking forward to it. More on track...and I thank you again.

Thought of something from W paper talk last week. At the end of conversation, I said something like, "don't you ever miss anything?" or a similar short phrase. There was a very long pause, like 30sec to a minute. Then W said, "I am getting off the phone now. I am sorry you had a bad day(I got hit in the head at work), I'll talk to you later. Bye." The more I think about this the more of a positive I can get from something simple like that. I know it might be reading to much but she had a wide open door to just blast out hatred. Like no, I can't wait til this is over, blah blah...and didn't. However, asking was almost stupid. It would be silly to expect her to say something like "yeah, I miss you terribly." or whatever...so nothing is a positive...just another small something...very small.

gl2u...thanks for all you do for me...