these roller coster rided sure are hell. looking over my last post i did defend myself when i told her i didnt know why she was so mad. thats a DB nono. how does one not become a doormat and be treated with respect while still not defending your actions and validating. throw some phrases at me folks i realy need some here.
y aknow mabey im just venyting but she did take a mole hill and made it into a moutain. she told me she wanted to go home and cry because i told her to stop about how dirty my car is. WANTED TO CRY BECAUSE I TOLD HER I UNDERSTOOD AND DIDNT WANTA ATO BE ATTACKED!! that makes no sence what so ever. she was made enought to call me and tell me she was mad and then tell me she didnt want to go to the party but instead wanted to cry because i showed her i cant change
im realy hurt right now. i told her i understood the problem that was it. i told her to stop after she went on for 3 minute on how " unproffesional and discusting" the wrappers on my floor were. i told her i understood noty to go s rew off or to jump in a lake. i am trtying to validadt but there does come a time i cant be a wet noodle and let her walk on mke either, isent there. help community
ripping a person apart like that is nothing short of cruel, harping you for your car having some stuff on the floor?? COME ON!! she has BIG issues, and you are the source of her unhappiness Marcum, what she is doing is nothing short of emotional abusive!! you did nothing wrong, nothing!!! you are dealing with a mad woman who's making you second guess your every move, honestly, perhaps moving out was the best favor she ever did to you, can you imagen living in that kind of hell for the next decades? that's no life.
I know you want her back badly, but what's she is doing to you has no name, do you really want a woman like that as your life partner?? while my H was away back in 05 I tried my best to be pleasant and a good W for the few mins he'd hang with us, but I tell you, had he harp on me about the house he no longer lived in in any way or b*tch if I was nice enough to give him a ride somewhere I'd kick his arse out our my home/car.
She is destroying you as a person, I say go dark, this is abuse at its worse, remember the DB cheeseless tunnels? obviously what you are doing isnt' working (allowing her to act like that to her), she keeps on with the harping nagging and tearing down of your soul.
If someone, ANYone is going to make me doubt that I'm a good whole healthy person then I'd walk away from that person. I'm a package deal, I have done pleanty of 180s and made myself a better person, am i ever going to be perfect? no, no one can, but I am who I am, whoever wants to share my life must accept me mistakes and all. Please love yourself a little and set some boundaries, or next week it will be another thing and the following more of the same.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
i am afraid i dont know how to set boundries without confirming her feeling of my faults. i was trying to set a boundrie by telling her to stop about the car ( in her feeble defence there was about a week of fast food bags in the passenger floor board),. its weired because she at one minute seems to see me tryingh and then acts nice. ( we have spent a lot more time together when i did call her more.) but then its like she looks to find something wrong . i dont know her side i whish i did. iall i can due is listen to what she said ( you need to let me finish my sentences, and you need to take more anisative with cleaning) as for boundrie setting as i said im scared to push so any thought on how to do this with love i would be greatfull
i am afraid i dont know how to set boundries without confirming her feeling of my faults. i was trying to set a boundrie by telling her to stop about the car ( in her feeble defence there was about a week of fast food bags in the passenger floor board),. its weired because she at one minute seems to see me tryingh and then acts nice. ( we have spent a lot more time together when i did call her more.) but then its like she looks to find something wrong . i dont know her side i whish i did. iall i can due is listen to what she said ( you need to let me finish my sentences, and you need to take more anisative with cleaning) as for boundrie setting as i said im scared to push so any thought on how to do this with love i would be greatfull
i am afraid i dont know how to set boundries without confirming her feeling of my faults. i was trying to set a boundrie by telling her to stop about the car ( in her feeble defence there was about a week of fast food bags in the passenger floor board),. its weired because she at one minute seems to see me tryingh and then acts nice. ( we have spent a lot more time together when i did call her more.) but then its like she looks to find something wrong . i dont know her side i whish i did. iall i can due is listen to what she said ( you need to let me finish my sentences, and you need to take more anisative with cleaning) as for boundrie setting as i said im scared to push so any thought on how to do this with love i would be greatfull
ops, I meant to say "and you are NOT the source of her unhappiness Marcum"
Even if you had 2wks worth of trash in the car she had no reason to act up is such a inmature way, nothing grants that kind of behaviour (my H used to have months of garbage in his car, I just moved it aside and sat down quietly and let him be)
You are trying to accomodate her so much, at your expense though. Love who you are, you dont' have to give explanations about everything she doesnt' like
W: "your car is so dirty..." M: "yea, needs cleaning, do you want to take your car then?" W: "how can you keep your car so filthy..." M: "I'm ok with it, sorry you feel that way, can we go now?"
You dont' need to explain yourself so much. If she doens't live there anymore and is nit picking about dishes/floor, whatever just tell her that she's welcome to help.
I know you dont' want to rock the boat and cater to her every dissagreement, but it is leading no where, you must teach her how to treat you. If the badgering continues about a particular theme dont' wait until it turns into a 30min rant, let her know that you've heard her and respect her opinion, however you dont' appreciate her talking to you that way. If she leaves in a huff then let her.
I remember when my H left and had put $ in my cc for stuff, I brought it up and he didnt' want to pay me and was a jerk about it, I calmly told him he could have 3mths to pay me but that I needed the money back. He didnt like it but paid me the whole thing the next week. I wanted him back but wasnt' going to let him screw me just to not make him angry.
You dont' have to push her away to be assertive. Chances are, she will always find something wrong with what you do, it is how you respond to it that will change the tide, don't be the victim anymore. Sometimes no matter what you do they will never be pleased, they have a void in themselves and look for faults on others to make themselves feel better, it is easier on them to blame someone else for their unhappiness than to admit they are the ones at fault.
Do NOT be afraid of speaking up, if she gets angry and doesnt like it, then tough, as long as your are respectful and talk in a calm manner there is no reason not to let her know when she is going too far.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
cat i will be honest, im afraid of lossing my wife so badley that i have a real hard time standing up to her. i have read all of the DB princibles and know that acting up beat and positive is a must, and im afraid that if i dont let her vent on me she will feel couped up inside. the C stated my wife is a stuffer and has held a lot in for a long time. so now i think she is letting it ALL out when ever she feels something.
there is letting it out and there is making the other person miserable with badgering and hen pecking. Do you both go to MC or just her?
Ok, so she held in a lot of stuff, that doesnt' allow her to use you as her punching bag, it's ok that she lets you know when something bothers her in the R, but not to tear apart anything she doesn't like. The communication between you two is toxic, she doesnt know when to stop and you dont' let her know how much it hurts you when she vents in a destructive way.
It's a vicious circle, and each time she feels more entitled to her vicious behaviour, she things it is alright,and since you are not saying anything then she gains more power to act that way. Do you actually think one day she'll be "done" venting and become the loving W you want? NO, she is just growing in viciousness and at some point she will see nothing wrong with talking down to you.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
we both go to C. the W trys has glimmers of her old self every time we hang out. this last burst just realy caught me off guard. she wasent makeing it up she realy was upset and her eyes were red. Cat and otheres i realy was just feeling a little badgered so i told her " stop i understand it will never get this dirty again." i said it with kindness but it hurt her. im trying to listen to what she realy is saying, and it seems she feels i dont let her finish her sentences or thoughts. ok i can do that. but when her thoughts take a degrading tone i guess i have to tell her to stop so it sbecomes a circle. next time we go to C which is next week i will tell her that " W i lover it when you call me on things because we are trying to become stronger together. I will also stop stuffing and call you on things as well though. W sometimes you like to repeat yourself now when your expalinging a fault of mine ( funny this is a trait she complained about me) when i agknowledge that i hear you its not me cutting you off. its me saying i hear you. i know in the past you have HAD to repety yourself but this is a new me. give me a chanch to prove i heard you."
