Still Monogomous, even more frustrated

[loonyqt]

OK - my last thread, Monogomous Nympho frustrated by sexy LD hubby locked but I haven't spent the time to figure that out until now... now, when my DH gets home at 2:45am from galavanting (likely drinking 4ish beers and playing foosball with buddies) and I need to vent without waking the kids pulling out suitcases like I did last week.

So, I think I am being only slightly more healthy just scanning his cell phone activity and getting my butt back on this board.

Anyway, things have gotten worse in the last few weeks. Instead of being my normal productive self, I've been in a funk. Dare I say depressed, how far into the clinical scale unknown.

I'm not one to take meds for anything, but am beginning to think there may be a magic(ish) pill to pop...

Let me temper this rant with a few good things - DH has been slightly more helpful with the kids. He's been making an effort to ringlead family activities. He is making an effort to be grateful for things I do.

However, alchohol is a pretty good truth serum (or satan's poison) and the weekends are colored by his incessent need to "get out and decompress" and then come back home mean. Mean, as in not having 1 drop of energy or desire to even cuddle let alone anything else. I am feeling waaaaaay insecure in the relationship and I HATE the late night stints and it would make me feel better if at least he could make a show of being happy to be in bed next to me. Instead, and this is today - he uses DS (4) who crawled in next to me when he was out as a nice center shield instead of moving him back to his bed and then giving me a hard time when I go to do it.

Sounds stupid, huh? I feel stupid. I feel ugly. I am sad.

I have ordered from the library (still on reserve) the 5 love languages book recommended. I have done a few different 180's (the suitcase thing was one of them, but even I will concede it was more drama (and less than healthy) than reality).

I feel blocked. Could use something and am hoping the smart people who did give some good advice and things to think about and work with will jump on this thread.

Going back to bed now, but will be back tomorrow.

[Corri]

Loon:

I don't have good advice for you beyond self-exploration stuff. And while that does help (at least I think it does), I think the HD ladies here who also have LD Hs have way more to offer you than I ever could.

I just wanted to send you a cyber {{{{{{{{{{ HUG }}}}}}}}}} and bunches of encouragement to hang in there.

I'd also go to the doctor and let them make the call on your level of depression and how to help. It really isn't something to mess with...

Have you been to a MC yet?

Corri

[NOPkins]

Hi, lqt.

I think you should consider telling your husband about the difficulty you are having in not wandering. I think it would be good for him to know that the time he is spending away from you is time you could use to pursue other relationships yourself, such as online. I think that will let him know that he isn't the only one that can "play".

I understand that he might be a mean drunk, but he honestly sounds more like the mean men get when they have been around other women. I am not saying that he is cheating, but I believe he is standing at the precipice. I don't know how you feel about snooping, but I think you should consider it. There is no place in a marriage for secrets. Privacy is fine, secrets aren't. Privacy is a fart in the bathroom. A secret is a doctor practicing without a license, or a spouse with a paramour on the side.

Secrets do damage to a relationship.

Please do have the discussion I mentioned at the top of the post. I wold be very interested in hearing his response.

Don't bother asking him if he is cheating, he is very unlikely to admit it if he is.

If you want to cook this goose, I will throw in some fuel for the fire.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[Lillieperl]

Loony, as long as he is drinking until he gets drunk you will not be able to get through to him. Alcohol skews everything. I suggest you start attending alanon.

Go to this forum: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/

and read some of the stickies and, of course, the posts, too.

You need to get your focus off him and back on you. What do you want for you that you can make happen for you, kwim?

"Reality" for an alcoholic is distorted, even when they're not drinking. It's difficult, if not impossible, to relate to them in a straightforward way. They can justify to themselves whatever they do because someone else "made them" or "drove them to it." Confronting him is a good idea, but be prepared for whatever he is doing to be "your fault."

In the long run, you must remove yourself from the equation (not necessarily physically) and let him experience himself and the alcohol with no one else to blame. This you can learn at alanon and on that message board. It's VERY difficult, but it can be a real growth process for you.

Good luck.

[loonyqt]

So, back in Oct., I decided I needed to "stop dwelling" and go and just live a bit more offline, and haven't returned to these boards until now.

What has happened is I've gotten behind in my digital photo albums but otherwise, after reading my initial threads here, there's a lot of same ol, same ol, at least in regards to my marriage. How pathetic.

I'm here at 3am on the 15th year of our relationship. 15 years ago today my DH & I met and dated and had a great time in bed.

Now, our sex life together averages around 2x/month, a far cry from what I'd like. Unfortunately, I have been dwelling on the importance of marital sexual bliss (or in my case, the lack thereof) and it's only gotten worse. And, I've only gotten more depressed. I was in a serious clinical funk inspired in part from a visit from my mother a couple months ago which I've managed to crawl out of on my own.

So - the here and now...

I responded very, very differently tonite to a somewhat usual, "L's going to get some" scenario. It played out something like this... nice steak dinner, hanging out looking at the real estate market online (we still have yet to invest in property - we've always rented, at this moment a decent home in a nice school district but we are close to jumping into the market), kids in bed, me shutting off the tv at 9:30 after the end of some program (nat'l geo?, science channel? discovery?)saying, "alright, time for bed" (wink wink, nudge nudge, sy no mo), he turned back on the tv and told me to come back and do more tv/internet stuff, which I told him I was done with. I waited upstairs in bed for all of 15 minutes doing a killer sukoku puzzle before falling asleep (having told him I was tired and planning to close my eyes). He comes in later (time unknown, 11ish?) and bacially wakes me up "tapping" me on the back with his cast (motocross accident) and coming to my side of the bed telling me to move over so he could "give me what I need". I told him I wasn't a pity [censored] and I wasn't going to respond to that behavior. (normally, I'd make a comment on the not so romantic foreplay tactics but still take what I could get).

Then, around 1:30 I officially woke up, turned on the light and got back on the bed, asked for him to look me in the eyes. I told him that he was "free to leave me - that it wasn't fair for either of us to be locked into a marriage that he wasn't into" ...that although I love him and am excited by him and want to be connected with him on all levels, it's obvious to me that I just don't do it for him anymore. So, divorce me." The fact that I didn't even inspire a kiss on our anniversary was sad, and I told him as much. I did this in about a minute, very calmly, very kindly, and with utmost sincerity.

He just looked at me blankly thru squinted eyes (he may have been simply sleep-talking, but I don't think so) and said he didn't want to leave me and then closed his eyes. After a moment, I got up to turn off the light and came back to bed and laid there until he on his side resumed deeper sleep breathing again (didn't take long). At that point, I turned the light back on to plug the wireless router (in our bedroom, turned off at night for some health reason or other according to him), then I went downstairs and wondered what to do with myself.

So, here I am again! Reading my initial posts and replies on this board was theraputic (yay), and I am a lot more calm (understatement). I think I am actually at the place where I can give up my incessent "woe is me who doesn't get sex when I want it" as well as not think about getting it anywhere else (because, really, what's the point) and just focus on me and the kids, and well, I guess my husband in other ways.

I feel a strange calm that I don't think I've experienced before as it relates to my lack of love life. This may be good news for my marriage, or I may be getting a divorce. My only concern is that it kind of feels like apathy, but given my usual intensity, maybe it's the 180' necessary?

Thanks to anyone paying attention.
:-)

"Share all the seaons of life with Compassion, Tolerance, and Joy." -me, 12.07

[Burgbud]

Hi, Loony. It sounds like you don't have an easy sitch; you may want to consider utilizing all available resources. This board is useful for applying db concepts to your M, the Sober Recovery site can address another angle, and folks willing to explore even more diverse marital conflict options are available at: ***DELETED--ADVERTISING---That site is mainly utilized by folks who posted here for a loooong time but found their idea of db'ing conflicted with that at least some of the moderators. You could think of it as db+.

[loonyqt]

Thanks, Burg.

As of this moment, I am feeling good. I think my late night message got through loud and clear, as he seems to have woken up, so to speak. My husband was extremely kind to me this morning, not an exceptionally common occurance. He's not an ass of a person, our relationship has just spiraled into a deep funk. Extreme kindness, even after a quarrel, is not readily distributed.

In reading some db techniques again last night, I guess I am officially in the last resort mindset, but as I read a great post about such, it should be an all the time mindset.

The question is, how can I stay in this mindset. Unfortunately, and particularly with my particularly depressive tendencies as of late, I'm at a loss on what I can do to really bring joy to my life. As a highly critical and competitive person (but not necessarily expressively), I accomplish much, even when I wonder what the purpose of it all is and think about sitting around and doing puzzles all day instead. However, I want to be able to find more that reallys brings me joy and a sense of accomplishment simultaneously.

I wish I had a more laissiaz faire attitude, and am constantly awed at my husband's "luck" by just ambling along sometimes. Everything just works out without much planning or fretting over details.

flylady.net has some good principals for the average perfectionist woman to apply, and I find come comfort knowing that humanity is gereally humbled by its need to just smile and do whatever needs doing moment by moment.

I think ultimately I just need to be kinder to myself. Even though I love myself, I push and push and have high expectations of myself above all others (anyone want to guess why my mother's visit sent me spiraling downward? ;-). For someone who tries to be a behavioral therapy kind of gal, Freud would have a field-day with me, I'm sure.

I probably should look into joining some sort of "you are great" support group, because obviously I need more positive affirmation than I am currently receiving. And maybe, just maybe, my new less antagonistic approach to fixing what I perceive as my marital shortcomings will help by allowing my husband to be more supportive.

I would sure appreciate hearing other's thoughts. I am a believer in a global "neural net" (some may call it the holy spirit), and hope to have a clearer idea of the path I should travel.

Namaste,
LQT

[loonyqt]

ps: As for the sober stuff - I'm not sure that anyone in our household is an alchoholic. We, and especially he, are not exactly teetolers (however that's spelled), but I don't think there's any real abuse. A beer/normal night and 4-5/night going out around 3x a month on his part doesn't exactly consitute alchoholism...

[sat567]

You could think of it as db+.

Geeze, you didn't tell me you were in the advertising and marketing business. Nice to see you're putting that K-State degree to good use.

Not db+. Not db anything.

It's just a good place to listen, to be heard, and to watch the drama of humanity. And participate. I hope you give it a look-see, loonyqt.

Hairdog, who'll never again send a boy to do a man's job

[sgctxok]

Hi loony....welcome back.

Even though you are not a newcomer....it does help to begin again as if you are one. You may even want to join in on the newcomers forum.....

"What has happened is I've gotten behind in my digital photo albums but otherwise, after reading my initial threads here, there's a lot of same ol, same ol, at least in regards to my marriage. How pathetic."

Not really...it's very common.




Your kids are fairly young. They can drain you. This loving yourself thing can be 'caught' by your girls, though. You treat yourself well, your daughters will treat themselves well.


"As of this moment, I am feeling good. I think my late night message got through loud and clear, as he seems to have woken up, so to speak. My husband was extremely kind to me this morning, not an exceptionally common occurance. He's not an ass of a person, our relationship has just spiraled into a deep funk. Extreme kindness, even after a quarrel, is not readily distributed."


Something went well here. Actually...something similar 'worked' for me. Go fig.

Why not NOW......only 'reward' the behaviors that you want to continue?

Rewards are things like smiles, going out of your way for him, but mostly .... things HE likes.

If you're like me at all, you tend to inadvertently reward bad behavior. If they ignore us, treat us like crap, we do MORE laundry, are MORE sweet trying to change them. Treat him the way he wants to be treated in the measure that corresponds to him treating you the way YOU want to be treated.

How do you feel about that?



Feel free to join us in the Women's Solution Network....we're going to talk about 'basic training'.