As a cheating husband, and now the victim of an affair I can both give advice on what your husband may be feeling and sympathize with you. I STRONGLY suggest talking about the affair in as much detail as you can handle. My W just accepted my BS excuses after "ending" my A, and all that did was enable me to start the A up again after a few months. Just ask for the truth.
Sara is spot on about After The Affair, had I read it when asked I would have stayed faithful.
Thanks, Sara and crs, I'll see about reading After the Affair. As far as discussing the affair in detail, my husband has not ever acted like he wanted to share details, and I have never asked because it seems like it would make things more painful for me.
crs, what are your reasons for encouraging people to discuss an affair in detail?
I appreciate everyone's thoughtfulness and advice!
Jasmine, Encouraging your H to discuss the affair will help him get out the secrets he his holding onto that may make him feel like he could do it again, at least that is how I felt in my case. When my W found out she was very sad and hurt, she asked alot of questions, and I answered some truthfully but I blurred some of the facts or just denied others. Acouple of months later, when I felt like things had calmed down enough at home I picked up right where I left off. Because of this we are in a horroibel situation. After being discovered a second time I have admitted to everything, and I feel complete relief for it. No more having to dodge questions or try to remember the BS answer I gave. I really wish I would have just told the truth the first time, because I can now say with 100% certainty thay I will never stray from my W again if our M survives this troubled time. Just another word of advice, don't be afraid to be angry about the A, my wife didn't get angry when she found out the first time, and it took her about 3 weeks to get angry this time. Even though her anger is tough on me it is what her and I need if we are going to move forward.
Be honest with your H about your pain and ask him to be honest about his reasons, but be careful to only ask the questions that you can handle the answers for. Sometimes the truth is not as bad as what you have imagined, and other times it can be a whole lot worse.
CRS, I have a question if you don't mind..a couple really..One , what kind of secrets did you hold onto that made you go back again? And what was it really about the second time you were cuaght that kept you from having the affair again? My H told me three times it was over and went back each time. The 3rd time I found out I packed his stuff into garbage bags and threw him out..2 days later he was back home crying and begging me to give our family another chance..But now I am so afraid to trust him again. He swears that this time its different and he knows now that he does not want a life with OW. But Everyday I live in fear that this will happen again and it's killing me. And one more question if you don't mind, this one is very personal so I understand if you can't answer it but did you feel that you loved the OW more than your W at the time? I'm also afraid that he'll never love me again becasue he can't get over her.
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
CRS, thanks for your advice...I'll have to do some thinking about finding out more from him about the affair. As far as the anger, it took me a week to get angry, another week or so to move on from that, and basically was gone after he'd been gone a month. If I sat around thinking about certain things, I know the anger would surge up again, but I don't want to drown in it. My husband is aware of my pain, anger, sadness, etc. I'm just trying to give him time and space to deal with/get over OW and the excitement of the affair so that he can deal with our marriage and me.
I don't know much about your situation, but I hope all goes well for you too!
Watermoon. No I didn't love the OW, it was just sex. I risked everything for nothing, if that makes any sense. As far as why there won't be a third time, because I really believe if I am fortunate enough to stay with my wonderful W, I will have learned that nothing is as important as her and my kids, all others be damned.
If you believe you want to stay with your H, then tell him you need to know everything (stick with what you know you can handle at first) and that he needs to be honest with not only you but himself about the A, otherwise he will not trust himself and neither will you.
As far as what deatails did I keep to myself. I was less than honest about the frequencey of my meetings with the OW, what I got out of the affair( physical, emotional, etc.) and why the A happened.
Had I been honest with myself and my W the first time I really belive there would never have been a second time.
By the way, I have a question for you or anyone else on this thread. My A was with the same W, over an approx. 14 month period, with a 4-5 month break. Now the question, should this be considered one long affair, or two A's?
I know this is splitting hairs, but I have been debationg this in my head for a long time now. My opinion, depending on my feelinss at the time go both ways.
I would consider that two affairs, since 4-5 months is long enough to have completed withdrawal, and also since I assume you made a conscious decision to resume the affair.
Had I been honest with myself and my W the first time I really belive there would never have been a second time.
The fact that you were not honest the 'first' time screams out to me that it never ended properly and so still continued and was one A.
There is a big difference IMO between being able or wanting to share all the details if you are the WAS and wanting to know the details if you are the LBS.
In your instance, crs, it sounds like being able to come clean with all the details was a sign that you had truly repented and was done with the A. I do believe that some WASs are unable, for a variety of differing reasons, to give all the details - I imagine shame is a biggy here.
Some LBSs don't want the details once the A has ended and there may be times when the WAS wants / needs to give the details but actually the LBS can't handle those details. It can be cathartic for the WAS to unburden and they also hope it will stop them being tempted again. However, the details they give the LBS can be just too much for the LBS to cope with and their imagination will run rife with the details.
As a LBS it was important to me to know all the details. It hurt like nothing else, but I needed to know. Shame stopped my H wanting to tell me everything at the beginning - the pain he saw me in he found hard to watch. However, once he realised that in the long run it would help with my healing, he came completely clean about it all.
My guess is that the dynamic here will be different for every couple and the ability for the Ss to match their needs will be important in the healing process. I think too much information can be as harmful as too little - it depends on the individuals involved and no-one can tell you what's right and what's wrong - it's personal.
Having said all that, for a R to work after an A, personally I believe there has to be transparency on both sides in the future, otherwise how is trust going to grow if suspicions abound? Gradually the obvious 'I am being painfully CLEAR about everything' adjusts back to normal levels - and life continues.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I agree with Saffie. Many times the unburdening by the cheating spouse makes him feel better and the faithful spouse feel worse. It's as if he drops his garbage in her lap and then feels nice and clean. I think truth about the affair should center on what the faithful spouse asks to hear. In my own sitch, he didn't need to tell me much because I learned a lot through my investigations. And I never really believed his stories as compared with what I presumed. It was easier for me to assume I was right on dates and places and not ask for confirmation. The whole truth was not coming anyway. And as long as it was over, it didn't matter much to me. But maybe that is just me.
