Hello all, Something happened over this past weekend that has been bothering me and I wanted advice on how to handle it. Details follow.. About a week a go my wife and I were sitting at home and saw an ad on TV for the new kids movie "Horton hears a Who". I mentioned to my wife that I would have like to take her and the D2 to the movie this past Saturday. It would have been my D's first movie in a theater and I thought it would make a cool memorie for both my W and I. This Saturday rolled around and my W decided to meet her mother out for dinner and shopping. She took my daughter along so I decided I would get cleaned up, dressed up and go out for a birthday dinner that was missed on the 25th..yesterday I had decied I would play golf, my W said she had work to do at home. I played golf, came home, my W says to my D2-tell daddy what we did today. I said what? W says, we wnet to see Horton hears a who. I said, I would have liked to have went and left it at that..then I said, I guess you went by yourself, W says no, mom met us there..I have not said anything else to my W or let her know that this has upset me..but this has really bothered me. I feel she left me out on purpose..Maybe I am nit-picking..Do you guys think she did thisd on purpose..she's testing me or what's the deal..Did I handle this the right way or should I tell her how I feel about this now??
Hello all, Something happened over this past weekend that has been bothering me and I wanted advice on how to handle it. Details follow.. About a week a go my wife and I were sitting at home and saw an ad on TV for the new kids movie "Horton hears a Who". I mentioned to my wife that I would have like to take her and the D2 to the movie this past Saturday. It would have been my D's first movie in a theater and I thought it would make a cool memorie for both my W and I. This Saturday rolled around and my W decided to meet her mother out for dinner and shopping. She took my daughter along so I decided I would get cleaned up, dressed up and go out for a birthday dinner that was missed on the 25th..yesterday I had decied I would play golf, my W said she had work to do at home. I played golf, came home, my W says to my D2-tell daddy what we did today. I said what? W says, we wnet to see Horton hears a who. I said, I would have liked to have went and left it at that..then I said, I guess you went by yourself, W says no, mom met us there..I have not said anything else to my W or let her know that this has upset me..but this has really bothered me. I feel she left me out on purpose..Maybe I am nit-picking..Do you guys think she did thisd on purpose..she's testing me or what's the deal..Did I handle this the right way or should I tell her how I feel about this now??
Can anyone give me advice on what to do about what happened to me this weekend?? Do I say something to her and let her know this upset me or just let it go? Suggestions?
We did talk about kids before the marriage and the possibility that the vas could be reversed but there were money issues and my indecision about having another child led my wife to think that I was just stalling
You didn't know it at the time, but it wasn't a "possibility" she was looking for when she mentioned "baby". It was a reality in her mind. It wasn't predicated on whether you had money or not or the medical feasibility of it. She told you that if she married you, she expected you to get that operation and have a baby with her. I'm sure she didn't come right out and say it to you in that manner, but you can bet that's exactly what was going through her mind when you discussed the "possibility" of it.
Your probably taking all the negativity she may be feeling for her decision to wait so late in life to have a baby.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
My personal opinion....she did it to piss you off. It was all planned and I think it was done to put a "thought" in your head. Not much you can do about something that is now in the past. Maybe you need to start having actions rather than words because instead of going golfing....giving your wife the hint that you would be busy.....you should have just did it as a spur of the moment thing...planning ahead....she did!
Actions speak louder than words....and her actions were really loud weren't they?
Hey M, just read the lot, but the movie thing sucks. I think you handled it pretty well thus far and maybe it's something worth mentioning when at next MC session calmly. I'm sure any reasonable person (and therefore MC) will appreciate why it hacked you off. Also, you may find your wife is pleasently surprised by your calmness especially if you say that you would not of gone golfing if you could of gone to the pics with the family.
M, I have been reading along a bit and just want to offer this up regarding the movie.
Sometimes we cause ourselves our own misery. Next time you want to do something like taking D2 for her first movie, maybe tell your W " hey I am planning on taking D2 to see horton hears a who on Sunday at ---pm, you are welcome to join us if you want"
Do not go into anything further than that. Do not discuss memory building with her right now. She is struggling between ending your marriage and working on it. Do not believe for a minute that by making memories or showing her value of family that this will make her do the right thing. She is not sure what the right thing is to do right now.
My biggest piece of advice for you, stop thinking that your W is logical right now. She isn't! She is confused and lost in many regards.
Did she take D2 to hurt you on purpose, probably not. IMHO, she probably did it to convince herself that she doesnt need you to make memories with D2. Testing the waters so to speak. Try not to put yourself in a position with her to have absolutely any expectations, because it is a double edge sword for you. If she does what you want her to, you see it as a baby step. If she doesnt do what you want her to, you see it as her trying to hurt you. There is no victory in this, understand?
That is good advice sofaraway. I will put this into practice next time. I have not said anything to my wife about this past weekend. I have learned over the last few months to expect the unexpected from my W. I don't know if that's a good thing for me or not. I am getting better at letting things slide and overlooking things she does. Logic and being analytical may be one of my biggest problems and may be one of my biggest hurdles that I need to clear. thanks for the reply.
M, I am with you on this, back around Christmas the movie Alvin and the Chipmunks came out, I told my W I was going to carry my boys to see it, guess who beat me to it? That's right, W decided she would carry them before I had the chance. I realized that if I said anything and showed her how it made me feel then she would be prone to do more of the same just to piss me off and show me she is in charge. I would recommend letting it go because if she knows it bothers you that much, she will only do more of the same. As my W has stated, she wants me to hurt as much as she has had to hurt in our M. What better way to hurt now than taking quality with the kids away.
Stay strong, I know how this kind of stuff can get to us, try to let it go, it will only cause for more of the same if she is getting the response from you that she is expecting. Don't let her have all of the glory.
Well here's another update after our MC session today. My wife is very angry and has a right to be, due to the way I have handled things during our marriage. She has all this anger bottled up inside her and has never truly forgiven me and does not know if she can. She has agreed to go back to counseling next week and the MC gave us a homework assignment. We are both to write letters describing in detail what each of us is angry about. The books DB and DR were brought up during our session. The MC knows of the books and talked some about both people being able to make personal changes that would make the M better and maybe get us back to a good place as H&W. TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE THINKING OF GETTING YOUR SPOUSE TO READ EITHER BOOK AT THE VERY BEGINNING OF YOUR TROUBLES...DON'T DO IT. I had talked my wife into reading a bit of DB early on, which she did. I ended up asking her if she read any of it and she just sort of brushed my question off, in C tonight she told me she read some of it and it pissed her off..not the book or writing itself but that it made her that much more pissed at me..I was to dumb to do even the simplest thing to make our marriage better. I took her for granted and look where I am now..D papers hanging over my head, lonely as hell, on the brink of losing everything I have. Hopefully the C is working and the things I have changed so far have helped my sitch.
If any of you would or could I would appreciate you praying for me.
M, I will say a prayer for you, can I ask, why was your W mad at you for asking her to read the book? Was she mad because you asked her or mad because she see's that you are trying to do what DR recommends you do?
It is a good thing that your W is agreeing to go back to MC, I can't even get my W to attempt.
