That is where I am with H. I don't call him unless it involves the kids or finances. If he calls I will answer. He seems to be moving on quite nicely. It sucks to see it happen, but I can't stop him. I am just trying to take care of me right now. The LRT is a new method for me, so we will have to see what happens.
I really hope he doesn't sue you. I think it was probably just an angry reaction when he threatened it. From what you describe, he sounds like a sensible guy that is not out to hurt you. He is just trying to figure out what he wants right now. If he sued, I would be surprised.
H was here this morning when I came home from my morning class. I hadn't seem him since Tuesday. I went about doing what I needed to do like make the bed and wash dishes from last night. I didn't speak to him much and he worked on the computer. [He was here because all our company documents are on the PC however he asked me to make a backup of those documents and he took it with him when he left.] I told him about what I read about Antartica (40km of ice broke off) which he commented about the same thing happening an the Artic too. I told him there will be lots of icebergs in Newfoundland this Summer. No comment [I'm going there to visit family in May). I asked him if he had a chance to check my CV. He said yes and he'll bounce it back to me. I asked him if he would translate it into Spanish and he said yes. I'd do that myself if I could because I really don't feel like asking him for many favours.
Pretty boring really. I made it a point not to talk to him and he didn't seem too interested in talking either. I guess now I'll see him less because he took the file backup with him when he left. He's doing great with the NC so I'm going to make sure I don't contact him first.
Oh and while he was here I told him that neither his Mom not Sister called or texted me last Sunday to say happy birthday. He didn't know and I didn't bother to tell him that I didn't think it was nice on their part since I've known them for 10 years. No sense fighting about things neither of us can control. It just wasn't very thoughtful. In Spanish they say "mal hecho" which means poorly done. Just goes to show in my mind that they don't want him to stay married to me.
Have any of you had your S stay with their family while seperated? Do you think the family tries to influence the S? Somehow I feel that his Mom and Sister would like it if I wasn't married to him.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
In the past I had trouble trusting H even though he's been faithful (except for a too close for confort friendship AKA mini EA that has ended). I haven't trusted him so when he told me he wanted a D I made him promise that he wouldn't date anyone until the D became final. Being somewhat self-centered I didn't think about how that promise would make H feel. He told me this weekend that it only goes to show that I don't trust him and that the D wasn't so he could find someone else. The D for him is a last resort because he said he can't see any chance of making our M work if we stay together.
I told him the grass isn't greener on the other side referring to whats out there isn't so great. He said "I haven't even thought of doing anything and you already have me on someone elses lawn"
So now I walk around with my tail between my legs thinking about the dumb things I have said and done in 10 years while wondering if there's a snowballs chance in hell of this marriage surviving and improving. I'm willing to do so much but he doesn't believe me and now I'm not too sure he's willing.
Jen
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Well I'm 17 months into it and yes it does get easier. BUT that's only if you address your issues, the things you did wrong, the faults you have that contributed. So start working on yourself, it won't be easy but in the end you'll be a heck of a lot better off no matter how this all turns out.
First thing to recognize is our mouths get us into trouble. So ask yourself "how will this help us reach our ultimate goal." Then act or speak. Initially you'll be surprised how often you'll change what you say or do because you'll figure out you are letting emotions control you and not you controlling your emotions.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Thanks Catfan. It has gotten a little easier already. I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past few weeks and I can see where I went wrong and how I contributed to this sitch. This time apart has helped me think and digest everything.
My mouth is definitely a cause of many fights that H and I have had. I have been trying to hold my tongue and really think before I speak. Hopefully with time this will become a habit.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I think I have read enough of your sitch that I can tell you there is no "going dark" or "LRT" for you. Hear me out, I ain't putting the nail in your coffin. What I'm about to say is something I sense you already know, you have got to work on yourself. That will leave you no time for strategizing. You can lament til the cows come home how you wish you'd found this site earlier in your marriage - God knows I do too - maybe I wouldn't have walked away...but maybe I would have since I was in MLC...anyway...what I believe is this: you found this site, and began to grow beyond the behaviors and attitudes that were instilled in you as a child, at exactly the most promising time for you to be able to effect a change. In yourself, Jen. That's where it starts and really, it ends there, too. You bear the burden to change first because it was you that reached out and found this site. That doesn't mean you love more, just means that desperation sent you out of your normal comfort zone. You dared to look - and now think - outside the box. You won't be able to impress or implore your husband to believe in all this. You have to walk it out as you grow. It takes time but you have an edge. You have history and not all of it is bad. Now change the dynamic of your entire relationship by changing yourself. Then watch what happens. It is all you can do and no matter what, you will be better off, because you are going to be breaking a cycle your mother started. You will be showing your daughter a wonderful thing, instead of setting her up to be just like her grandma - and you now see firsthand what that can bring.
You might inspire change and growth in your husband but I can guarantee you this: you won't do it with words. You can only do it over time and with your actions. Actions that will become more and more natural to you as you go through this process of learning and growing.
I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
Last edited by JenInVen; 03/28/0812:16 AM.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
A lot has to do with my attitude towards him. I like to be in control ALL the time and I like to set and keep rules. I had/have a very controlling/manipulative mother and I think I learned my behaviour from her.
Jen
Hear, hear!
Of course we learn our behavior patterns from our parents! But if can see them, we can change them too.
That's what makes you different from your M. You have a loving heart and clear mind, you see the patterns, analize them and change them. And you're doing a pretty good job, too!
G2G now, talk to you later, ((hugs)).
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
