You're from the northeast how far north and how far east? I'm from New England and it was snowing this morning! I'd take a walk but the wind is howling and the ground is covered.
ISH
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
I liked your comment about what 180's are!! Yes, they are unspoken communication!!
I also liked your let go..
I'm curious about your paranoia. What are the chances that someone you know would know about this site and then figure out who you are? In my case, my H actually saw the book.. so I guess if he really wanted to he could maybe find this site if he felt inclined.. but I know he couldn't be bothered. Are you worried that your H may find it or other people that are now in "the know"?
And then about the gossipers.. I really, really hate the rumor mill! Man, my sitch spread like wildfire through my work (I had taken all of January off on stress leave and when I came back everyone KNEW).. needless to say I was ticked. It was my business and if I hadn't discussed it with them they shouldn't know about it (just my opinion). What are you saying to these people now that your phone is ringing off the hook?
At first I thought..what is a GPS doing here.. then sounded it out and hello, I be GPZ!
I live in the southwestern area of the Northeast... The Nutmeg State.. Connecticut. We had serious winds but no snow.
Ms Whey...
My mild paranoia comes from the fact I love to explain and share things with people. I can't tell you how many folks I have told about the books and this site, about what a lifeline this has been for me. I am also close to people who revel in searching the internet for minutiae.
My biggest reason though, which I think wreaks havoc with all my interactions in life is that I had to keep lots and lots of bad hurtful secrets throughout my childhood.
Maybe it's as simple as.. If I'm telling, people must be finding out. If they find out it will be used against me. The world rotated around me as a child because a floodlight of fear was positioned over my head, never wavering in its intensity. I've never completely gotten over that sensation.
The rumor mill... that is so awful. I can't imagine it being true, and don't want to believe it. Who would spread lies like that? What is the truth?
People don't call and ask me. I've been out of the loop for the past 6 months or so because of a freak but serious head injury I'm slowly recovering from. If folks ask me how how my head is.. I know they don't know about the separation. If people keep asking me over and over about where H is, I tell as much of the truth as I know it.. "He's out of town." seems to be judicious. Most people I know are genuinely shocked when they hear the news, and others will tell they heard only after I mention it. I figure the ones who no longer ask me about H are respecting my privacy.
Let go of being fearful of the future (finances in particular). Things are only things.. and who knows, I may actually do something with my writing skills!
So you're saying you're not really a world-famous author incognito?
Then you BETTER do something with those skills. Mind blowing talent.
I was going to say something else, but now I forgot.
Just hang in there, ms. gpz!
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I totally agree. You will do yourself and the world a favor if you spill out your creativity and intelligence for all to read. You are amazing with words.
Yes, 180's as a form of communication. I have been doing many of those. And funny, they helped me too. Go figure!!!
Gypsy, ISH said what I was thinking. Your week must have been long and painful, yet you picked yourself up, dusted off, and moved forward. That is the best thing you can do for you and your kids.
While posting on another thread, I started writing about my experiences with online chatting, a world I was lost in for years. The attention, admiration and respect I felt were in complete contrast to my life in the real world where I felt like a failure.
H stayed by me while I was stuck in a zombie world. He'd try and tell me in every way he could how much my behavior of being online was destroying the family. I just became defensive, and wouldn't/couldn't talk. But could my mind churn but never resolve the questions within.
"Why did you go to China for two weeks just three weeks after I was suicidal leaving me alone with three children (6 months, 4 years and 8 years old)?
Why were you on a week long business trip the day after my tubal ligation? You wouldn't commit to a vasectomy after a year and a half, so I made the decision on my own. Sex equalled death in my mind. I didn't think I would survive another round of post partum depression (and yes, I was under a doctor's care, meds, etc and everything still went bad after our third).
Why didn't you seek counseling like you had promised me.. how your own issues were drowning me.."
In the midst of my remembrances, D13 started clattering things in the other room. I left the computer and we chitchatted and played with our little ratties (two little royal rats.. brown and white.. I am astounded I find them so adorable).
At one point she told me she'd been thinking of how well she's been adjusting to the change. "It's not your fault, it's not dad's fault.. This just happened. Mom, I'm used to it."
My little voice within that screeches.. but he left, He Left, HE LEFT.. was silenced listening to my daughter. How can you be used to it?.. my mind murmurs to itself... I'm not.
In that moment I wondered if I should jump off the merry-go-round and work with H for a completely amicable dissolution of what we once promised. Is that calm so complete to be real for my youngest.. or just a covering over the waters that run deeply.
Okay.. an ultimate GAL and 180.. doing something with the writing.
Any suggestions? I have tons of things I've written over the years. Maybe I could present them as a compilation of essays.. The World According to Gypsy.. and and and...
First time posting here I think, but I couldn't resist: YES, take a chance! (I'll translate your first one in Greek)(which is by the way better than my English- )
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