Your W's sitch is the MOST EXACTLY like my W's that I have heard so far! Has there been any lifechanging event, death of a relative, etc., that may have triggered this? There was in my W's sitch.
My W also:
Sought approval/permission from me for what she wanted to do.
Wanted "us" to have the freedom to sleep with others (I later found out she wanted that freedom but DID NOT want me to sleep with anyone else).
Repeatedly spoke of the possibility of us getting together again one day, even as she was moving away.
Emphatically wanted us to always "be there" for each other.
Appeared/appears very confused and confuses the H*LL out of me!
The only thing I wished I had done differently is LET HER GO! She is going to do this thing, her mind is made up. Let her go to work this out on her own way in her own time (the only way it can be done). Have as little contact as possible. I feel like the faster they are able to start their journey, the faster they will be over it and anything we do to hamper or slow it down will only prolong it.
She has set her course, you must set yours and stick to it, no matter what she, or anyone, says or does. If you focus on what she says and does you too will be spinning like a top.
Detatch man, detatch.
Last edited by sleeper; 03/24/0801:02 PM.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Wow, thanks for all the feedback! Ali, Bruce, BT, Kalni, Sleeper--There is a lot you've given me to reflect on. I didn't sleep well at all last night (and late last night she cc'd me on an birthday email message she was sending to one of her extended family, signed "Love, W. and Purr". I am truly confused, but I want to reflect on all the comments from you guys and post back in a day or two (I have a short trip too, leaving today).
Thank you for your support and talk to you when I get back.
Take your time with everything. These are deep waters, and I believe it's a mistake to rush into anything, be it a decision about our spouses or the journey inward.
I'm leaving tomorrow for several days myself, and so I'll check in next week. In the meantime, take it one day at a time. Be good to yourself and to others.
Purr, you have checked in on a few of my threads, and I thank you for your input. As you know, you and I are on the same journey. There is one minor difference. I have accepted that maybe W won't come back, and I am no longer obsessing about it. I called her bluff and sent her a "Dobson Letter", basically setting her free. She has talked a lot about that, and just how much she has appreciated it. It came across as a sign of strength from me, at a time when I was acting more needy than anything else.
Does this mean I love her any less? Of course not! My W gives plenty of signs that she is not done with me...I have just taken my pining, waiting by the phone and watching the door, out of the equation, and gotten on with my life. I am doing things that I have always wanted to do, I am pulling back so she will do a bit of the work (however small that may be) and I am listening to what my DB coach is telling me.
I don't have an expected outcome, I have a preference. I have told her this. I prefer that we are a married couple, and that we eventually get back together and work on this. She always says, "well, I'm still here, aren't I?".
This is what makes it easier for me to wait. Well maybe not wait...I am just living my life, basically in neutral. But at least neutral isn't reverse!
Try to keep an attitude, Purr, that things are not going to "obviously" go south. Also, don't assume that things are going to turn around suddenly and she will come running back. Unlikely. You have a TON of positives in your sitch. For some reason you are having trouble seeing them.
*Try to stay neutral and lovingly detached. *Try not to get drawn into R talk, except to validate what she says. *If she wants to know what you think, she will ask. *Accept that she probably is NOT done with you yet. *Accept that this will take far longer than you think, then multiply by 3. *Be happy and upbeat around her. Not fake, just relaxed, easy and happy. *Try getting together and CONSCIOUSLY don't steer any talk towards "us", for instance go to a movie, grab a quick coffee or lunch, meet after work for ONEdrink, then say "this has been nice, but I gotta go". *Never, I repeat NEVER, act clingy or weak. *The most important thing of all: Be Consistent.
You will get through this, Purr. Your attitude is 100% your choice. You feel the way you choose to feel. Choose to be neutral, leaning towards positive
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
I've been sitting with and reviewing all the feedback of late and want to respond to some parts which particularly stood out for me.
From Ali: "You sound like a lovely man, shes 43..realistically...decent partners are thin on the ground at that age! They're either M with kids, or going through MLC themselves !! And the ones that are perpetually single still, are probably not worth bothering with ;-) She'll find out..."
Thanks, Ali : ) I hadn't thought of it quite in that way. But this does tie into undervaluing who I am and what I have offered. I do think that (while far from perfect) I offered some very precious and not easy to find qualities.
From Ali: "...the overriding message I get from all of the above (whether she manages to see someone else or not, and cross that bridge if and when it happens)...SHE WANTS TO KEEP YOU IN HER LIFE !"
Yes, I hear this too. I must say that part of me feels like a commodity...she is wanting to go and play the field and see if there is something better out there. If so, she'll take it; if not, she'll check back in! In another way, I guess I need to accept and understand that she has been unhappy and restless in our relationship, and so is looking outside of it.
From Ali: "I think you need to work on how you interpret things. You seem to have interpreted it as pretty hopeless, but I didnt ! Why do you think you are intepreting it so negatively? Is it just that it hurts so much?
From Bruce: "You seem determined to interpret things as proof that it's over. Maybe it is over, but maybe not. You don't seem to have final proof one way or the other right now. So, ask yourself why you are reacting that way."
Yes, you're both right. I know that I have been doing this, but it's hard to see it at the time. There are a few reasons I can see for this:
1. I think it is partly that it does hurt so much and gets overwhelming. The part of her wanting to be in relationships with others is where it becomes too much for me. I think it would be incredibly painful to stay as friends and hear about this. It hurts to keep hearing someone say they feel "trapped" and do not have an interest in working on anything. I feel sick in my gut because I do not want someone to be with me feeling this way.
2. I also think it is a way of trying to have a sense of control--to "beat her to the punch" so to speak. I've felt very helpless at times in this, like I am waiting for this to drop.
From Ali (and Tree also): "About the MC, I'm not sure about that, if she feels got at and under pressure, maybe its counter-productive at the moment?"
I've thought about that too. She made the choice in the session to book another time. And she could have changed her mind but kept it. I'm a little concerned about it, even thought about suggesting we cancel it, but for now will just keep it as is.
From Ali: "I said it before...you need to be the big person here and if you truly love her...let her go. Tell her you understand she is struggling at this juncture in her life with whats gone before and the next stage of her life, shes trying to reconcile some childhood issues, some long standing issues, that its tough for her, she feels got at, pinned down, trapped... that she needs a period of time to spread her wings and find out what she really wants...and that as you love her, you give her your blessing.."
This is a very important piece that I get confused on. I think that yes, if she says that she wants to end things when she gets back, this would probably be what I would say (I hope I can be that eloquent!). But then, isn't that pulling the plug?
From Kalni: "Have you considered having a more optimistic thread title?"
Yeah, I think that will need to change. I still do feel quite like this, but I am going to sit with this. Good point, Kalni!
From Ali: "My god man, you want to pull the plug and shes throwing you life lines left right and centre! (they're not long enough to reach you yet, but shes throwing them out all the same)"
What an interesting way to look at it...I do feel blind to signs of hope. I think it is because I used to see baby steps and feel inspired, but then crash. In the last few weeks, as it feels like the distance is growing and she mentions not wanting to work on it, I find myself trying to brace for the end.
From Treeman: "Hang tough and remember you are giving this one heck of an effort."
Thank you, sir. This hit home for me, and I have been supported by a few key people who love me who say that they admire the courage it requires to hold SUCH a difficult space.
Thanks for stopping by. You are making some good points. I really would like to get to that place of living my life for me. I think that part of what holds me back is this irrational (but feels so true) belief that I will not be able to survive / be happy / cope / be loved /etc without her. I've been reading Susan Anderson's book on abandonment and she notes how common this kind of all or nothing feeling is when the person is moving through the first phase, called "shattering".
I'm thinking I need to try to nurture and support myself more through this phase of things, which honestly has absolutely terrified me beyond anything I've felt before. The thought of not having her in my life reaches so deep into my soul and scares the heck out of me.
You know, at least regardless of what happens, it is validating to know that she has seen me making changes and working on myself--because I have been quite subtle about it (DB style). That she finds it "very attractive" is an important signal to me that (again, regardless of what happens), these things are in the direction I need to grow as a person.
Mink, you seem to be doing well with believing in yourself...how did you get to this place? And are you able to stay there?
You haven't detached yet. You will with time. Be patient.
You will know when you've detached.
You will stop crying.
You will stop obsessing over where she is, what she's doing, and what she's saying to you. You will still feel love towards her, but you will not miss her very much.
You will start to look forward to your time away from her because it is less stressful. You will start to visualize your life without her, and realize that it doesn't look too bad.
You will start to enjoy being with yourself and by yourself again.
Give it time. It will happen. For now, just take one day at a time.
A note of caution: as you start to detach, you will feel anger and resentment. Be careful. Channel this anger into something positive. A note of hope: there are a lot of people who have experienced what you're going through. They will tell you that when you get to the point where you've detached, when you're no longer afraid of losing her, when you are comfortable with yourself again and not all freaked out by the situation, it's at that point when most of them come back. When they're afraid they're going to lose you...
The Bombster
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
