WAW...now the LBS Part 2

[HOPEFULinCALI]

As a woman, what do you think about her pushing the D. Would you see that as finality?

She is sure that this is what she wants hence her pushing the divorce. Your goal should be to get her to stop thinking divorce. Avoid all relationship talks. Work on the frienship then the romance. The 180 and GAL will help move things in that direction. Change how you dress, get a new haircut, if you don't work out start for examples. Remember these things are for you first and for her second.

Don't focus on her determination to get a divorce it will drive you crazy. It drove me crazy. My husband dropped the bomb on a Friday and told me he would file on Monday. That was seven months ago and the papers are still sitting in his car unfiled, unserved. Your W sees you in a positive light. You are ahead of most of us in that sense so focus on making yourself attractive to her not only on the outside, but on the inside too.

To make a long answer short, no I don't see it as a finality. When I was the one to leave I thought for sure that I wanted a D also. As you can see that wasn't the case.

What is your 180?

[Gypsy]

Ms HiC..

Last I heard perfect people are no longer a viable species on this planet.

Some boo-boos take longer to heal.. but you can't predict the recovery time. I figure trust is the basis for everything good in this world. Try little things that show trust.. that you trust him, that he can trust you. Nothing earth shattering.. just the little things that mount up.

How am I? Let's see.. if I got the bomb in January, I've had a few grenades with shrapnel recently. The strange thing with these emotional explosives is that they seem to shift errant pieces into place.

One of my favorite (paraphrased) lines from DR is.. Successful people don't work harder, they work smarter. If something isn't working, then try a different approach.


A thought.. how do you feel if someone is hovering for your approval?

*hugs*

[jaw3149]

HiC -

How is your relationship going with the H? I just want you to know that I really enjoy reading all of your posts.

I have my first court date on Thursday. It's to decide temporary custody, living arrangements, and support until the divorce is final. I also found out that my W is seeing a 22 year old that she works with. Devastating, but at the same time, there's nothing I can do about that. I just keep working on myself and trying to focus on doing a 180 and LRT. As you know, most days are damn hard; but I just pray that each day after is a little easier.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

jaw,

It means a lot to me to hear that especially since very recently I have receive a few not so welcoming responses from other members. It is frustrating to me that I am pigeonholed into the stereotypical WAW role. Was I perfect, no far from it, but I am appalled by some of the behavior described by the LBS's. I never did and never will treat my H with such disrespect. Anyway I am getting off topic.

My H had surgery two weeks ago and I have been taking care of him, the house, and the dog. For the most part he acts grateful and we have a lot of laughs together, but when other people are over he seems to retreat just a bit. All in all things are good as friends, but I am still trying to figure out how to move out of the friend stage that my H has become quite comfortable with. It is so hard to believe that this is my husband.

I am sorry to hear that you have a court date, but it is far from over. Keep up the good work. I can't imagine what she would see in a boy. I am confident that she will get over that phase sooner or later. How else are things between you two?

[brantacan]

HiC,

Take comfort in knowing that the critical voices are a minority. You are very well respected on this forum and provide a great deal of inspiration and hope to many.

I know I tend to repeat myself and have probably said this to you before, but try to embrace the friendship and accept that this is where he is emotionally right now, and be there for him as a friend. I believe even unspoken resistance to a situation can be sensed by somebody you have a long history with and can cause that individual to more firmly defend their position.

Thank you for always taking the time to reach out to others

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Brantacan,

Thanks so much for your support.

You are right about my sitch. Don't worry about repeating yourself. Sometimes it just takes getting knocked over the head with the information a few times before soaking in. Managing my emotions from time to time is something I am still working on. That is one positive of the seperation. Getting to have an apartment where I relax and recharge helps me to stay focused.

Thanks again!!!

You don't have your own thread right? Are you planning on posting one? How are you doing?

[Gypsy]

Hey HiC...

Is it better to be a high C or a low B? Inquiring minds want to know!

There is an incredibly positive perspective on receiving negative posts on a thread. I know I always short circuited when it came to conflict.. that is if it was centered on me, or something where I felt there'd be disapproval.

Sit and think.. how good were you at handling the following before the bomb dropped.. conflict, a sense of being attacked, not feeling comfortable with a turn of events, someone actively disagreeing with you?

The positive thing is.. you get to chose how you respond. Some folks love to play devil's advocate, stir the pot, take out their frustrations on others or just plain disagree. But here, it's your choice on how you respond or don't.

When I first read the suggestion that you let things roll off you like water on a duck, I figured the folks were crazy. But you know what, it is a neat skill to have. I just hope I can improve my quacking.

*hugs*

[jaw3149]

HiC -

Last night I met with her to go over finances before our court date. Things went very well at home. We shared laughs and even had some brief moments of physical contact (hand placed on shoulder, half hugs, etc.) I even got her to think about working on us.

Then today she received a court affidavit from me and called me angry, hurt, and crying. She asked how I could even say some of those things about her. I told her that was my lawyer talking and that I didn't agree with a lot of those things. She asked how I could say all those nice things one night and then get a paper the next day that says all those horrible things. It seems like I lost all ground I gained and then some. She wants to proceed with the divorce even more now. I'm so lost right now and don't know what to do. I'm sick to my stomach, can't focus on work, and constantly keep thinking how she is feeling. Any and ALL advice would be welcome. I have no idea what to do next.

[christarn]

Hey girl! I was just catching up with you. I am surprised that you have gotten negative feedback from other people. I am too a sterotypical WAW, and I haven't had any problems. However, I don't have a lot of people respond to me! Maybe I should move my thread over here. Do you find this thread to be more helpful?

How is your H doing after his surgery? Do you think you helping him to recover has brought the two of you closer together? I can't help but ponder if him seeing you in this caretaker role helps him to build trust, integrity and respect in you. just a thought.

take care,
christa

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Gypsy,

Um. HI is always better I think, right? Good question

Thank you so much for your thought provoker of a post. I have most certainly been working on how I respond to conflict and difference of opinion particularly with my H. In general I am a non-confrontational person by nature, but with my H I am not able to exercise the same restraint. I have for the past several months, but I still struggle with the thoughts running through my head with

conflict, a sense of being attacked, not feeling comfortable with a turn of events, someone actively disagreeing with you

I going to tell myself from this point on be a duck, beee aaa duck. Lol. In all seriousness you are right and I thank you for the insight.

hugs