I read your post on Ali's thread and thought I'd stop by and see how you're doing. Reading this thread, I wondered if you could post a list of the baby steps and positives that you see in your situation for yourself? From what I can tell, there is a HUGE amount of hope for your situation, but you need to find a way to internalise that hope for yourself.
I really believe that negative thoughts create negative outcomes; even if you don't believe that you're transmitting the thoughts outwards they will be reflected in the way you hold yourself and the tenor of your voice... Our thoughts create our reality and define the outcome- it's something that all successful business and sportspeople think, so why not adopt that belief yourself?
My last $0.02 on this is that your W is confused (MLC?). She needs reassurance and for someone to have rock solid belief in her and in the strength of your R (don't say these things to her, just act AS IF). No matter how uncertain she may appear to you, you MUST have belief on her behalf. BE HER ROCK Purr- you can do it!
L.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
Thanks for the idea. When you talk about listing baby steps, does this mean steps I can see my W. taking so far or does it mean steps I'm taking for me to GAL (or both?). I wonder when people say they see hope if they mean for the possibility of reconciliation in this situation, or if they mean hope for me to be okay if it doesn't work out? Any thoughts on this? And then, yes, I will post! ; )
Thanks for stopping by! I have actually had a very brief period of feeling a little more detached, a little less overwhelmed about the possibility of a life without my W. I don't want that, but I have been trying to face and challenge that fear a bit. Thank you for the reminder and reassurance about the future. I still feel a knot in my stomach when contemplating it, but I need to find a better balance and perhaps not be constantly obsessing and contemplating about it! In that vein, time for me to go to bed.
Bomb makes some great points; I see myself in some of them, and it does slowly get better, but also be prepared, as Anderson writes, for the cycling back to an earlier stage. Just when you think you're moving forward, you revert back to a pain you felt earlier. I'm currently in one of those phases--feeling lost, lonely, kicking myself for the mistakes and failures I've made. Those feelings come and go, as I get back into living the moment and facing life as it is, not as it was or as I want it to be.
You, and the rest of us, are in a hard, hard place emotionally, and this healing takes time.
You sound as if you are still acting in ways of hoping to get a reaction from her. That's understandable, but you will feel healthier, and be better prepared, for a stronger relationship with her or someone else when you don't need to look externally for validation. That has to come from within. Believe in your own value, that you are person worthy of love.
Hey Purr... baby steps.. from her! As in, after the awfulness of the initial bomb and then her withdrawing and ending it.. what things have happened then that may indicate something going on with her, that she is taking baby steps towards you, that she is thawing slightly, little signs of concern, or interest in you, or even just eye contact, or ...well, theres probably a thread about it somewhere, Transformer would know! (or OneDay aka Lisa) anyway... Mornin'! Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
When you talk about listing baby steps, does this mean steps I can see my W. taking so far or does it mean steps I'm taking for me to GAL (or both?).
I think it'd be great to see two lists... One of baby steps your W has taken, and one of steps you've taken. Baby steps are for both WAS and LBS, as a wise DBer told me once (it was Jack). If I get time over the weekend, I'll try and read your thread and list the baby steps I can see, and we can compare! Having said that, I think there are quite a few, so I may be letting myself in for a big job there!
Originally Posted By: Purr
I wonder when people say they see hope if they mean for the possibility of reconciliation in this situation, or if they mean hope for me to be okay if it doesn't work out? Any thoughts on this? And then, yes, I will post! ; )
I can't speak for anyone else and what they meant by hope, but from my POV, your sitch has A LOT of hope in it for reconciliation. Your W is confused but still wants you in her life- she is not committed to ending the relationship in the way many other WAS are. Having said that, the point of DBing is to generate hope for both the LBS, and for the M/relationship. So there is hope that you will be OK whatever the outcome. More than hope- you WILL be OK whatever the outcome. I know it's hard to believe that sometimes (I wonder myself sometimes, and I am nearly 8 months S), but things do get better.
OK, I'm waiting to see that list.
L.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
Sorry to hear you are cycling through one of those not so good places. Sometimes I don't feel I have great words of wisdom, but I will say that I really hear you. I certainly appreciate the strength and wisdom you have been bringing to my thread and wish you peace through the tough spot you are experiencing. How is / was your trip?
Oh, you're welcome! Thank you for letting me know and for checking in on my thread. I do find you have some great wisdom to offer from your posts that I have been reading.
Okay, I've got some work to do with these lists! Need to sleep on this and will have a go at pulling it together this weekend. Was doing not too bad today, just had a little stomach knot thing as I realized it's Friday night and imagined my W. out partying on her vacation in the tropics. Right--time to try and thought stop on this as it's not going to help to obsess about it all. But I must say I do feel some dread presently. Ugh, what a visceral feeling. Okay, ANYWAY...
I'm looking forward to having a crack at this list assignment--I think it's going to be a good challenge, and you guys must be seeing some things that are real blind spots for me! : )
