A LBS's take on role reversals. I have been DBing for a while and a peculiar thing has happened. As I have regained my self respect and found that I am not nearly as insecure as I once thought, I have come to view my sit with much more clarity. Unfortunately to the principles of DB'ing, that clarity has made me less interested in saving my marriage. I was always the insecure and clingy person in the marriage but now as I look on it with a little bit of distant perspective I realize that I do not want to be married to the person my wife is now. Not only is she extremely selfish and self centered, but she has treated me with seething disrespect.
She hid a very unsuccessful (for her) EA and lied about it. She was constantly calling this dude who would not return her calls all the while she was telling me that she just needed space. She moved out and has had little to no meaningful contact with our boys (12 and 5) and has also contributed nothing to the cost or effort of caring for them as she said she would. I have lost all respect for her in turn and any attraction that I may have had.
I don't think that losing attraction to my wife was the intent of DBing when I started it but it most certainly is the honest reality of how I feel now. I have gone through the lost puppy dog begging and pleading junk, went through the guilt of blaming myself for her leaving and have come to a startling state of apathy about any hope of saving my marriage. I don't feel anger towards her but I do not think I would even consider taking back the person she is now. This is hard for me to come to terms with because of my faith and my feelings about divorce. I am sure that things could change but I have to say that it would certainly be a miracle from God if it did.
I must say to the WAW's on this forum that have found themselves in the sit of role reversal, I feel for you because you seem to have made changes in yourselves and I wish you the best in your R's. It is still early on in my sit and I know that. But at this moment, I cant even imagine taking her back. It is probably because she now sees the changes in me and she is the one initiating all the contact. I guess from the position of new found strength that I have, I can see things with new perspective.
I am sorry, but when you talk about her EA it sounds like you are. And hurt.
Quote:
... but I do not think I would even consider taking back the person she is now...I am sure that things could change but I have to say that it would certainly be a miracle from God if it did.
You are contradicting yourself. You wouldn't take her now, but then say I am sure things could change with a miracle from God. It will only be because of God that things will ever be different.
Quote:
It is probably because she now sees the changes in me and she is the one initiating all the contact.
Could we hang our hat on this part of the post? This sounds really positive. She is initiating contact with you. These are opportunities for you to show the new you/your 180's, etc... Be happy, positive, and confident. Why is she initiating contact?
JM, I am not contradicting myself at all. I would not take this person back. Nor would I expect her to return to the person she left. My point is that we both need changes. She does not even realize that what she has done has hurt her children. She is in total denial. She doesn't want to know that her 5 year old cries for her. She would have to see what she has done and change those behaviors, much the same as I am hoping I am doing through this process with the grace of God. The only way I would take her back is if she dealt with her issues and we worked on things together or with a c. The point I was trying to make is that she can't just keep doing what she is doing until she runs out of money or can't pay her bills then decide it is time to come back. The hard part is trying to be nice when I think about the kids. If she is pissed at me, I get it....but what did the kids do to deserve this? It is a tuff sit and I can deal with it most days but seeing my kids hurt is not easy to deal with.
I understand your hurt and anger. Sounds like you are where my husband is now although he doesn't have an EA to forgive me for. How difficult was it for you to make changes and see your role in the marriage? I would suggest that you give her the opportunity to see the error of her ways. I agree that you do not want to let her walk back into your life. She definitely has some changes to make. In fact, the prospect of losing my H was exactly what I needed to wake up and realize my mistakes both during the marriage and during the sep. I wish you the best of luck.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Thanks HIC, I plan on doing that. I am not a patient person so I know that this will be a long process...LOL. I am a forgiving person and have been a loving and supportive husband. My wife has been a great mother and a great wife but it has been a one sided sit for some time. I chose now to hear what she says and take her at her word. I am glad to have found this place and folks like you who I can learn from in hopes of not doing anything destructive out of my own selfish desires to not be lonely.
I struggle with this too about how my wife left the kids and thinks that they will be "just fine". I also Agrre with you that the kids deserve better than this and us as parent need to put them first and foremost.
I know that I just have to wait until she is ready to come back.If and when she does that is when I will let her know that things have to be different if this is what she wants.
Me 36 W 36 S 15 D 12 M 16 Bomb Nov 07 WAS Feb 08 My Sitch http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1376213&page=0&fpart=1
I hear you but I am not holding my breath waiting for her to come back. I am moving on with my life, taking care of my boys. I really think the involvement of children really changes the dynamics here. When a woman walks away from her kids, it is not the same as when she walks away from the spouse. I feel the pain like all the other LBS's here but my real pain is when I think about how selfish this act is and how placing your own needs and feelings over your children is just sad and totally unattractive.
I agree with you I am not holding my breath but if she does show some sort of interest I will consider it.
I feel this pain too and I also think that it is selfish, but when I put myself in her shoes I think that this is maybe what will help her realize exactly how selfish and unattractive her decisions are.
Me 36 W 36 S 15 D 12 M 16 Bomb Nov 07 WAS Feb 08 My Sitch http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1376213&page=0&fpart=1
You know I hear you but I have given up worrying about what she is thinking. I am making no contact at all. She can do the initiating from this point. I loved my wife and my family, but you know there are consequences in life. I can forgive, but that would take an admonition of being wrong. That is where I am not holding my breath. I don't think it matters if it is a man or a woman doing the WAWing, it is devastating to the family and creates serious emotional chasms that may be irreparable. Sorry gang, I try to stay positive but like I said, I can handle being hurt, but when you hurt my kids..... that is another story.
Sometimes I think the problem is we detach so far, learn to accept the loss of our marriages, GAL, start to love our lives "even without the spouse" and then when they come back it's not so easy to "reattach." We think, "Hey, maybe life would be better without this person who caused us so much pain...."
I do understand where you are coming from. I find myself struggling with the same thing. I'm not sure the answer. I think it's important not to make quick decisions (especially out of emotion), and take the time to think things over carefully.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
