Just dropped by to see the latest on how things are going. Seems like you're doing a super job in putting yourself out there, as you say. Congrats on the career options! I'd say W. is definitely reaching out in some significant ways. That balancing act of not too little, not too much in response is pretty damn tricky sometimes, isn't it?
You're doing great and I understand the part where you say you feel some fear re: more time together as well as wanting it very much.
Mink would you read page 5 and 6 of my thread? would you say i gave her a dobson? keep up the work my friend. i see you in the DB hall of fame real soon!!
Last night didn't go all that well. We went to "her"place (I hate saying that), had a couple glasses of wine, then ordered in some Thai food. had a nice dinner and, as always, she started up the R talk.
She said "I feel I am just getting started on this journey...I think it's going to take a while yet. If you are waiting for me to come home in the next little while, it's not going to happen".
I said "I told you that I am not waiting for you to come home...the door is open, sure, but I may move on as well. It's not what I want, but it may end up that way".
She went on to tell me a few more interesting things, some are repeats: - She thinks I am a 'catch' - She thinks I will hook up with someone soon because I am tired of her drama - If I do, she totally understands - She initially thought she would be happy for me if I move on, but now says she would be devastated - She feels 'panic' at the thought of losing me - She thinks that I started my journey of change and self-discovery the day she left me; she feels she is just starting hers now, and feels like she is 'catching up' - She is utterly convinced that she needs to do this alone, not with me (I do understand that, somewhat) - I asked her if she feels that I am applying any pressure at all to her, she said no (this is good)
I told her I have no plans to date at this time, other than her. My hope is that we can get back together, so for now I'm just working on myself and my own life.
She asked if I was staying overnight, I said "yup". We just slept, no sex or fooling around.
At 8am I downed my coffee, gave her a hug and kiss and said see ya later. I didn't feel like hanging around.
Hi MM, Just popping in. Interesting. I haven't been keeping up as well as I was, so this may be off point, but.... :-D
You asked her if she felt that you're applying any pressure. You are. You say you may move on if she takes too long. That's pressure.
Do you really mean it? Do you want to move on? I think it's important to know that you can. I think it's normal to say to yourself "I'll give her 6 more months, and then maybe think about going my own way" )and after 6 months maybe giving another 6 months, or not - if you have really reached the end and are ready to move on.
But you don't need to tell her. Especially not more than once. She heard you. Don't play any power/control games with her. She'll resist, pull back. She doesn't want to be coerced into anything.
I'd advise laying off on the timelines, 'threats', etc. Yes, you're GALing is good and having a great affect, you are a catch, but she wants to know, needs to know, that you are there for her and support her. Unconditional love. Your actions could come across as "I'll love you only if you a) come back home b) recommit to me, etc... "
She needs to know that you love her, will forgive her, will not make her pay for the rest of her life, your relationship, for leaving. She needs to know that you find her attractive, want to be with her.
What's your DB coach say about this?
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Thanks for checking in, LN. I always appreciate your insight.
We did talk this morning after I was back home and I told her that I am not going to get into a relationship with anyone, I am SO not ready for it. I am concentrating on me, and that is my goal right now.
When I say I 'may move on', I am truly looking far down the road. I have been patient and will continue to be patient with my sweetie. But I am no longer waiting for the phone to ring, or an email to come in...which is healthier I think, for both of us. This is what she told me makes her feel less pressure. That I'm not pining for her.
I told her I completely understand where she is on her journey, and that the door is open anytime she wants to come back. In the meantime, I will just enjoy the life of a married bachelor.
I told her last weekend that there would be no repercussions if we reconciled, there is no way I would hold any of this against her.
We are getting together tomorrow to empty out our boat, which is now up for sale. Should trigger a few emotions....
MM, So when she says she thinks she needs more time, maybe that's all it is. It's all about her, and nothing you can do or say will speed it up. Out of your control, let it go, be patient.
Then, when she gets herself figured out, and you've got your GALing in high gear, you both can work on how to merge these two wonderful new people without losing what you've gained. Sounds tricky to me :-P
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
You know, the more I think about that lately, the more I believe that to be true. Even though she initially blamed a lot of this on me, she hasn't been bringing it up lately. I think it is all about her.
Interesting email from her a couple of hours ago...
Backstory: She had a really bad cold/flu/bronchitis from mid December to almost now. She was very frustrated to not be able to go to the gym, hiking, rowing etc. I suggested that her health may have caused her journey to only start now, instead of 3 months ago.
My journey needed to stall so that I could build back my inner strength and get a handle on my emotional state in order to move forward. It took a lot out of me to leave you and our life together. I broke masks, patterns, perceptions, others' expectations of me. There was a lot to work through internally & emotionally. It was where my focus needed to be. Life slowed me down. My health is back so I am now able to resume my external and physical journey. I'm not starting it, I'm resuming it with a better understanding of where I have been and where I am going.
This is why I don't want to reconcile at this time. I need to for once in my life be patient about something and let it unfold naturally. My pattern is to force things in the direction I want them to go in and for once in my life I will let things happen naturally. When it's right it will be spectacularly obvious.
