I don't think you really answered my question, or perhaps I didn't explain it well. Does your husband say he's not WILLING to end it, or that he WANTS to, but he just CAN'T??? Does he keep trying, and backsliding, or does he no longer even want to try?
This is why couples need bulletproof "no-contact" and "transparency" plans in place.
Hi Joie, thank you for asking the girls are ok , a little better than before but my oldest is so worried about money..and she keeps crying.But we will be ok..At this point what choice do we have?
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
I am so, so sorry you are at this place. It hurts so badly.
I really don't think this is the end for your R with your H. For a start you have the children and he has responsibilities towards them and you. You threw him out. He didn't walk of his own volition - I think that can speak volumes.
You sound as though you are holding it together fantastically and keeping your self worth intact at the same time - good for you. This will show him he needs to make a choice - you are helping to clarify matters for him. Throwing a S out does not have to mean the end by any means. You are still in the very early days of all this.
Tell you what, I would be proud if you were my mum!!!(or daughter, or sister).
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Ok so here is the latest..Told my H he had to leave the night of March 20th when I called the OW and he was with her. He came home after work Friday morning and Found all of his things in Garbage bags..He went to stay in a hotel since the OW lives with her Mother.Of course she was with him through most of it..Late Friday night he starts calling me and I stay strong. He seems shocked at the way I'm acting. Wasn't crying and didn't seem sad. Told him I still planned to have D's bday party the following day..Most of the guests are his family members, they are supporting me through all of this craziness since he seems to have lost his mind!! Fast Forward Saturday morning. He calls me at 9 Am sobbing hysterically telling me he made a mistake and wants his family back including me. For 2 months now he has been telling me he no longer loves me and is only here for the kids. I tell him there will be stipulations..I want to see the phone the OW purchased for him, I want access to credit card accounts and I need reassurance until I can trust again.
I told him I really want him to go and live with the OW for some time to see if this is what he really wants but he tells me he doesnt want to live with her..I tell him not to come home just yet but perhaps Easter Sunday he can stop by and we can talk.
He shows up at 7AM and finds that I have changed all of the locks( Yes I was not playing around)As soon as he comes in he reaches out to hold me and doesn't let go for a while..He hasn't done this in so long..I almost started crying too but held strong..
So now the OW continues her nonsense..She was so angry when he told her he wanted to come back home. He had his out and chose to come back rather than start a life with her..She told him she would make it easy on him this time around, change her number and would not contact him..well that lasted less than 8 hrs. She started calling him again, he gave me his phone so I can see that he is not responding and he swears that this time it will end for real. She did chnage her number yet called him with the new number today..where is the sense in this?? Why does she continue to act like she owns him? And how can I believe he will stay true this time? He has been weak 3 other times and went back..why should now be any different? He says 2 nights away from us was hell and he never wants that again. I want to believe so badly but i'm scared to do so.The odds seem to be stacked against me since it seems that they always go back..or do some finally stop?? what would you have done?
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
Wow ! You are doing great! You are an inspiration to the rest of us. I suggest you insist that he go to a Retrouvaille weekend with you. The sooner the better. See the website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org for dates and locations. This will help to focus his attention on the family. The weekend is a turning point where you focus in and start real communication between you. It is followed up by a series of "Post" sessions where important concepts of love and marriage are taught. Retrouvaille is very healing. It is an excellent opportunity for the two of you to start out on a new pathway together. It was what saved my marraige and many other couples who post on this website.
Have you considered asking him if he's willing to set up a full no-contact/transparency plan with you? There are ways to do this that will help you rebuild trust.
Puppy, sorry Actually since I first found out in January H told me it was over, then I found out It wasn't. He told me she kept reeling him in. Then I found out, threatned to throw him out and he broke it off only to go back a week later, and then again a third time. I was shocked because he told me so many things about her, that she was crazy, demanding, wanted his money etc..so why go back?? After I really threw him out and he was in a hotel for 2 days he begged to come back home, now she's calling and harrasing us both again. He insists it will stop in time, i'm just afraid he'll go back yet again. How can he find this attractive behavior??
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
You are doing great! There is no guarentee that he won't go back to the OW again. That is what makes it so difficult. I know in my sitch the OW finally got fed up with my H going back and forth between the two of us that he dumped him. I can't blame her either. He was messing with us both and since she doesn't have any committment to him, it was better for her to move on.
I was be extremely cautious and have strict guidlines. My H knew that one of us would leave if I found out he had any communication with the OW. I also had a plan that if there was a night that he didn't come home by 9pm, I was going to pack his stuff and put it in the garage and have a sticky note on the door saying "goodbye." He didn't know this was my plan.
If you can talk to him about going to Retro, I think that would be great. I asked my H about it this past weekend and he shot that idea down really fast. The next weekend in my area isn't until May, so I am hoping that he might change his mind.
Good luck! I know the drama is too much to take at times.
sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
I don't think you answered my question. Do some research on no-contact and transparency plans; I think that's where your husband's attempts at ending it are breaking down.
What exactly is this? So far he has given me his phone and he has mine. He doesn't wnt to change numbers yet since we recently did so and he feels it's an inconvenience to give everyone another new number. Today I asked him to call in front of me because the calls just were not ending. So in front of me he told her this is where he wants to be and that yet again they are done..she doesn't seemt o get it and I don't know what else to do at this point. I am so fed up.. if she continues to call my home, my phone and his phone I told him I will go to the police.
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
The next weekend in my area isn't until May, so I am hoping that he might change his mind.