You are kind. I find you to be a very grounded person, and you often point out things that help me get a little more centered when I am spinning. I still feel very hopeless. It's so strange that in the MC, there is all kinds of connection happening--laughter, anger, tears, sadness--but at the same time, she seems gone, gone gone.
One thing that I forgot to add about the conversation in the car after the session was that she said "I was listening to myself and the things I've said and been saying to you and I think--wow--I'm a hag. Was I really that bad?" I said "You never came across with a mean-spirited intent, but you have said those things and conveyed that sense of never being satisfied...all mixed up with joking and humour and other things. Yes, you have said those things, but I don't think you are a 'hag'. I just don't think it helped you get what you wanted or bring us closer."
It's so incredible to me that in our MC sessions, there have been a couple of points where the MC was exploring with her what she was looking for--whether in our relationship or outside of it. It was always like a blank space for my W. She could never define what she wanted...other than "out" I suppose. But that's not even really an answer of what she DOES want in her life. I try to understand this, but it is very hard for me that someone would take such massive and devastating steps to change her life without knowing what she wants. I guess maybe just knowing what she doesn't want is enough to know.
Thanks. No, not a cat owner, though I'm thinking about it, especially with a pending move. My primary love language is all of them! I've been described as very loveable, and very loving. But I definitely really like the physical contact. It's interesting because although in the last couple of years the sexual relationship wasn't very strong, we were constantly in physical contact: hugs, cuddling, feet touching while on the couch, etc. There was a lot of touch right up until just the day before she ended things. I would have thought that would have been something that would have changed as the emotional connection gets tattered, but no, it didn't. Now, of course, other than a hug at the end, there is no contact "allowed". I sleep with a hot water bottle and a pillow at night. I can tell you that it is a crappy substitute for my W.
Thank you Bruce for your reply. I am sorry to know that you are also, like so many of us on this board, experiencing heartache and struggle inside. Thank you for empathizing and sharing some of your ideas with me. I must tell you I love the saying "the grass is greener where you water it"!! Thank you for this! What a lovely alternative to the other side of the proverbial fence.
Yes, there are things that would need to change within and for both of us for the relationship to work, you are right about that. I guess there may be some discomfort with what she learns about herself...I hadn't quite thought of it this way...more like she just feels guilty for hurting me but doesn't really miss me or want to re-engage. Guilt is not a good glue for holding things together in a relationship.
Thanks for sharing your stories of MC. I'm not in MC, but your W sounds very similar to mine, and I have felt similar frustration as you feel about her not willing to engage me, work together on the relationship, being a "hag", etc. I've come to believe that complaining, criticism, which my W was good at (and your W sounds good at) really destroys or inhibits a sense of connection with another. I don't know about you, but I let those things from my wife slide. What a mistake. I grew up avoiding conflict, but now I see that I should have drawn a line with her and said I would not tolerate her criticisms. It's not that I was perfect, but rather the way and frequency with which she delivered the criticisms. Frankly, I doubt she has analyzed this and what it may have done to our relationship.
I think the key here is to keep telling ourselves we can't control them. What looks like "reality" to us is not what they see, for whatever reason. They have constructed their own worlds, and whether they ever come to see part of how we see things, we cannot know or control. That is so hard. But, there is no objective reality in relationships. Men tend to believe there is, but there is only my reality and her reality. If those two don't match up well enough, there can be no relationship.
You are so right about guilt not being enough to hold a relationship together. You don't want her back if it's only because she feels guilty about ending it. That's a false relationship, and you and she each deserve better.
Hang in there and continue to work on the deep stuff while you take good care day to day. I've come to feel it's about balance--deep introspection and change comes slowly and often painfully, but at the same time we must make time for fun and laughter.
Thanks for your words. I didn't sleep well...suddenly awoke at 4am and found myself crying. Tried to sleep in and am working from home this morning. Honestly though, I feel pretty bad today. I feel physically like I'm sick with the flu, even though I'm not. I just ache inside and feel so drained and exhausted. I have felt very helpless during this period.
Because my W. copes with their emotions by distracting and running, then it looks like she is doing fine and not feeling anything inside. That leaves me feeling like a fool for having loved someone who doesn't even really miss me or want to be with me. What is wrong with me that I still hurt so much over someone who has no commitment to caring about me anymore??
I'm just running over painful thoughts over and over again this morning. I need to try to stop this, but I'm finding it really hard to focus. My stomach is in a knot thinking about the ending of the relationship, selling the house and buying a new place. I can barely get through eating breakfast without a struggle--how am I going to handle this? She's leaving in a few days to go on a tropical trip for 2 weeks. I just can't shake how bad it feels to know that my W. feels so "trapped" to be with me.
Every day is a slog like walking through wet cement. I try to distract myself with exercise and being outside and t.v., but these last several days I just feel sick. : (
Hey Purr... I know what you mean! Every day is a slog like walking through wet cement. I try to distract myself with exercise and being outside and t.v. I feel the same ! I make myself do stuff, but exactly that, its like wading through concrete. I know you feel alone, but you're not. Alot of us here feel the same and are equally feeling alone (me included!). In fact, its Easter and I am quite literally alone, sat in this big ole house in the middle of nowhere, miles from anyone who loves me. I have been thinking alot too today about how humiliated I feel to have loved him so much for him to walk off like that. But he is having a crisis and he cant help how he is behaving.
Although your W appears strong, I bet shes not doing taht well either. She is weapy and tearful and stressed out about work. Also...she feels trapped in life and is wrongly blaming you for that. One day she will wake up and realise what a fool she has been and how she lost this great man (hopefully you will still be around for her to apologise to your face!). I'm hoping that will happen.
Dont feel like a fool. You loved her with an open heart. Its just your terrible misfortune that this happened to you (and me), we didnt see it coming, we dont deserve it, its unfair, it isnt happening to lots of other couples I know, so why me..etc etc. Theres no logic to it, its just a really sh*tty thing to happen. So dont feel like a fool, you were right to love her. You just didnt expect this to happen and why would you? You'd have to be a very perssimistic doom merchant to expect this!
Have you seen your Doc? The symptoms of flu might be nervous exhaustion. If you dont want to take meds (as I didnt), try something alternative for you..deep massage, or acupuncture. I'm so sorry you feel so low. Try not to get overwhelmed thinking about everything at once. Just be upset that you miss her, thats all. Dont worry about the future, the house, selling up, where you will live, none of that. It may not happen and even if it does, worry about it in real time, not in advance! And I think you should visit your local animal shelter and buy that cat.. its easy to move house with cats, especially kittens..they cant even be let outdoors for the first 6 months, as they need all their vaccinations first. I cuddle my cat every day and it does really really help. They greet you when you walk through the door, they jump up on your bed the minute you wake up. Its only a small thing, but its a massive help I'm sure.
Ali xxx
Did you have another MC session booked in? If not, can you go ahead and suggest dates to her for when shes back?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
thanks for your post. I am sorry you too are feeling isolated today...I suppose it's already Easter where you are. You're right--a lot of people here are, in a strange way, joined together through this experience of feeling on their own. I like what you said about the person having a crisis of their own and so the behavior is connected to this. You're right, I didn't expect it to happen.
I just had a really good talk with my Dad. He really listened and said some of the same things you just have about not thinking too far ahead because it gets really overwhelming pretty quickly. We did talk briefly about options of renting / selling / buying a place, which was hard to do, but maybe a good start on the topic. I've decided that right now all I need a plan for is today and I'm going to break it down into this morning and this afternoon. Beyond that, I don't feel I can handle much, but this will give me a start. I'm just going to try to get through the day.
I'll probably see the doc for some more sleeping pills--I have a few left and have rarely been using them, but they do help. I realize I need to go to bed earlier just because it is physically pretty draining with all this going on. I know it's pretty common for people to be feeling tired all the time, which I do.
There is an MC session booked for 3 weeks from now. This was related to W.'s 2 weeks away and then MC suggested that a little space would be helpful right now. I don't know if W. is going to want to keep that appointment and I may have to bump it due to scheduling. I'm just leaving it as is right now.
Anyway, that's too far down the road, so back to my focus on getting through today. Thanks Ali for checking in.
Youre welcome Purr. I am thinking of you. Well done for talking with your Dad and tackling stuff one day at a time. I'm glad to hear that you have an appointment booked in for 3 weeks time, I have a feeling she will honour it. Make sure you eat chocolate! I dont normally, but it is a natural booster (ok, or brazil nuts help raise serotonin just as much, if you're not a chocolate person).
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
So sorry to hear about your rough time right now. It's "normal" to go through this as part of abandonment. You're not a fool. You probably made some mistakes in your relationship, like we all do, but you had no way to see this coming and you don't deserve what you're going through, but you are going through it nonetheless. I've just started reading Stumbling on Happiness, and basically the author is saying that we humans think about the future an awful lot, but we are really lousy at predicting what will happen to us and pretty bad, a lot of the time, at being able to control it. Yet we fantasize about having control, because it makes us feel better, at least temporarily. So I doubt you or I or Ali or anyone here really could have seen what hit us.
The pain is awful, both physically and emotionally. And from what I have read, and experienced myself, we cycle through things at unpredictable speeds and times. So, just when we feel we're making progress, we spiral back to where we were before. The key is to keep working in a healthy way, to keep facing your emotions squarely instead of running from them. That's hard to do. Yet we must do it if we are to heal.
For you or anyone reading this dealing with the pain of abandonment, I highly recommend Susan Anderson's work in this area.
Take care, and take it one moment at a time. Live in the now as best you can, even if the "now" is only five minutes here and there. Hopefully you would then be able to expand that so that you are focused less on the past or the future. We really only have right now, and right now life doesn't really include our spouses. Take care.
I have been following you sitch closely and it mirrors mine. I fell really bad for you but I hope things turn around quickly for you. You are in our prayers. I know this is really hard but there are happy days ahead, I promise. Soon.
