Out of the Blue?

[kturnernc]

Ok, NOW I need some advice... this weekend is Easter and I have the kids. It is the first holiday since the separation. Originally W was kind of agitated that I had the kids this weekend but then accepted it. Anyway, I was dropping the S off from some activities and the W surprised me with some interesting actions. First off, let me back up a small bit. When I was picking up the S the wife was acting strange. She always seems to act like she is walking on eggshells when I am there. Anyway, I took her aside and started talking about what was wrong and things that needed be taken care of. As stated in another post, I am trying to be more proactive rather than reactive. Anyway, I told her that there was no reason for her to be like she was acting hostile. Well it seems that she thinks that I am going to try and screw her over in this whole deal! HA, I have been nothing short of supportive and helpful during this whole thing. Anyway, I told her to look at me (she avoids eye contact for the most part during discussions) and when she did, I told her that she had to honestly agree with the fact that I loved the family and would not do anything to screw with that. She agreed on that. I do not feel that I slipped on this, as I did not tell her ILU to her.

Back to the confusing actions. Everytime that I am going to head over to the house to pick up stuff or kids, I start getting nervous due to the situation and wifes mood swings. When I dropped off the S, I walked in and the W asked me to stay and eat dinner. This was NOT something that I was prepared for. I declined politely and told her that I had some more stuff to finish at work before Monday. She had cooked meatloaf which happened to be one of my favorite dishes. I am not thinking that it was planned, just odd. Okay, so that was strange behavior #1. The second was a bit later when we were talking about Easter sunday. She told me that her mom or sister was having the whole family over for lunch and would I be able to drop the kids off over there. I, of course, agreed. But then she invited me to lunch with the family as well. Action #2. I really do not know what to do about that. I get along with her family fairly well, but I know that they are supportive of W's actions. I think the whole situation is going to be really uncomfortable on both sides. Either that or the whole family will pretend nothing is wrong or different from any other family get together.

I don't know what to do. W wants a D, yet wants to keep the family doing family things as normal. She is not really making it known around that we are separated except to some people. Right now I am leaning to dropping the kids off then heading out. I do not want the wife to be thinking that her life will be the exact same except for me staying at the house. I am just confused. I will talk to my therapist today during my session. But, it is confusing to say the least.

Sorry for the long winded post. I really do try to keep them short.

[tomcat65]

Hey ken,how you doing!She seems like shes trying to be nice like everything in her world is just fine!Very confusing.Trying to read between the lines is going to drive you crazy.The thing with easter dinner,your going to have to do what your gut tells you ,there is no perfect answer to that one.Did that already with sons birthday party,was so nervous i almost got sick,but i stood up and made it through.Trust yourself ken,youll do whats right for you,even if its extremly hard.Good luck

[W2G]

Hi Ken,

Have you made a decision about Easter?

[kturnernc]

Actually, I have made a decision. I thanked her for the invite but told her that I was just going to drop the kids off then go. I added that I thought that it would be strange for everyone and that it would be better if I was not there. She countered by saying that they are still my family and had been for the past 15 years.

I am still not going to stay. I have been having trouble lately thinking of things that are going to be happening. The separation agreement is going to hit soon. She has been swearing up and down that she is not going to ask for alimony or try and ream me for child support but i just feel that her lawyer is going to. I guess there is nothing i can really do except deal with it once it happens.

I am just feeling a little low lately.

[tomcat65]

I know what you mean ken,about the low ireally got my self back on my feet I think I just hit a bump in the road.The easter thing Ithink you did the right thing!But like you told me dont worry about the lawyers,whats going to happen will happen nothing you can do about that!Just take care and think about that stupid BALL,its still funny

[kturnernc]

Thanks Mike. you made me smile. Meanwhile, the W called to say good night for the kids. I told her that I was sorry for the bit of an arguement that we had. That this was hard on me and that I was trying to make the best of a crappy situation. That i missed the kids, i missed her, and i missed being a family. That I have been trying to do good and avoid arguements and was sorry that I slipped.

I know that I slipped a bit. I feel better for saying those things to her. But her overall response was still cold. I could feel her wanting to say something but not. Either that or I was just trying to be hopeful. It is hard to say. As I said, I know i slipped. But I do feel better that I told her that. I am still positive but feel horrible that I slipped. And of course, am a bit depressed. I hate this whole situation. Hate it. It is going to be a long road. Looking at the date, it has only been 2 months. Two very long and exhausting months. I am going to try and summon the strength to move forward. I need to rely on my friends more. And start doing those hobbies.

[jandn]

Man I messed up earlier, posted to my posts instead of yours. I wanted to send you a message to see how your day was going and maybe talk to you about things. Mines been kinda crazy but ok but its not over yet so I dont know what other tricks W has up her sleeve. You can email me at

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Divorcebusting.com: Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.

Happy Easter man and hope everything goes as planned and works out for you.

[kturnernc]

It is all good Jandn. We all make mistakes.

Anyway... the Easter update. I guess not all bad came out of the talk or arguement or whatever it should be called. W seemed almost normal when talking as of late. We are still both avoiding talking about our R completely. It is maddening. The only things we talk about are our kids, bills, and chit chatty stuff. Ever since she dropped the IDLY bomb, that has been it. No closure, nothing. I do not know how to get through some of this if we don't discuss some things. She has not persued meeting with our counselor and setting a time to do couples. She has just dropped it.

So, Easter I asked her could she come pick up the boys because it would be easier for me traveling wise for my plans. I really had none, but just did not see a reason to make the trip. Well, she agreed to that. She also told me that she thought her mom had a stroke and was taking her to the ER. I really like her mom and was very concerned. Her mom does not have very good health and has complained about chest pains in the past. So she ended up talking about her mom and then hung up on a fairly good note. The next morning she shows up to pick up the boys, mom is in the car. They had been at the hospital all night. We had a decent discussion about mom and easter and what the boys did. Oldest had lost a tooth overnight. So the Tooth Fairy came. I had been keeping the teeth and gave it to her to keep in the collection. There was a small discussion about me keeping it because it was lost here. I told her that even though I would love to keep it, it belongs with the other teeth. I got her a card from the boys for Easter. I did not sign it. I recieved one from her signed with love from her and both boys. Her name was first (am trying to read something into this).

Then came the nightly good night call for the boys. She got on after and told me that she needed to ask me a favor and that due to classes and work, could I take off work to watch the boys on wednesday. I told her that I would check, but as I told her before this is a very crucial time for my project and since I was taking off the next week to be with oldest for surgery that I had to get a lot of stuff done. She blew up. Suddenly I am being unreasonable, unhelpful, and foolish. She told me that I did not need to take off the entire week to be with him because her family would be there. HA!! I have been with him during every hospital stay for the whole time except for one overnighter where i stayed at home with the youngest. I am not about to change that now. Anyway, i told her that I would have to clear some stuff today and would get back to her. Since I am my own manager, i knew I could but did not want to give in immediately to her. Well, today I am sick. Cant keep anything down. Other than that, I am ok. I left a message stating that I could keep the kids on wednesday and was at home sick that if she wanted to talk to call me at home. She called back immediately. Asked me what was wrong and if she needed to bring me anything over. I told her no that I was set and would talk to her later so that I could rest.

So the holidays went well except for sickness. I am very interested to see how things progress with her. I want to make her address this mess she has made but I do not want to drive her away. Parts of me wish i could just walk away from all of this and let the cards fall how they may, but I can't. The kids complicate things and my love for all of them would cripple me if i even tried. Oh well, one day at a time.

[tomcat65]

Hi ken!I know you want to adress this mess and try and make her see,But if you did i dont think she would see anyways.I dont think you can do much else right now.Boy i know how tough that is,but i think your doing the best job you can for your kids.Which seem very important to you.Just keep trying,you got nothing to lose and everything to gain.Bye the way I hope you feel better.

[kturnernc]

Feeling fine. The illness seemed to be some sort of 24 hour thing. No idea. It came in and then went out.

Quick update for today... today is the day that she has been yelling and trying to get me to take off because of her full schedule. Well, the last I spoke to her the kids were getting dropped off at 8am. Well, at 8am the phone rings, I was thinking she was going to tell me that they are on their way. NOPE!! Apparently her class was canceled the night before and as she put it, she was 'taking one for the team' by skipping her second class so she could keep the kids. Oh my dear! That set me off. I told her that was insane of her to say, that I had already taken one for the team to take the day off and that I had planned to spend it with the boys. She told me that I could go to work if I wanted. Anyway, I informed her that since I had already taken the time off that I still intended to spend it with the boys. Silence. I asked her why I did not get a phone call last night once the class was canceled. Because she went back to sleep. Well the call was at 9:30pm, that is usually WAY before her bedtime, but whatever. I told her that I did not care if she was being lazy and just wanted to skip her classes because she had to work that I still wanted to have the boys and that now since she did not have to be at class, that she could bring them over whenever. Well she showed up within the next 30 minutes looking llike a dog that had been beat.

As she was leaving, she had this look and i asked her why she looked like she hated me or was angry, she said she was not, that she was tired. I told her that now that she did not have the kids, that she had plenty of time to go home and rest. Then I shut the door.

That stuff just pisses me off. She tries to make me feel guilty and bend over backwards to drop everythng and 'help' her. When I do she does not respect me or whatever to even give the call to tell me her class was canceled. If it was one of her friends, I am sure she would have called. Anyway, it is total BS. If this relationship is over so be it, but I am NOT going to be treated with less respect than someone that she just met on the street. we shall see how she acts when she comes to pick up the boys tomorrow.