Just wondering if others who have recommitted have the bad dreams and how do you deal with those? I used to think detaching was difficult, but reattaching is even more difficult.... and I'm not even sure I want to go there. I never want to be where I was.
Well, now you have my challenge....
Do others grapple with this even after a good span of time?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I have had the bad dreams too, and I hate it. I told my H about them, and he reassured me that it was just a dream. Reality was different. He was nice and gentle about it, and I felt better hearing it. That is why I don't like to take any medication before going to bed, because a lot of medications give me nightmares.
Funny My dreams always involved being kidnaped by this gang of frustrated women. Their leader I think her name was Saffie and the second in comand YOYO. Make me their servent.I had to do what ever the other gang members wanted, Sara,Root,Lwb,NikB,Micheal,Red.
Well I guess it was not really a nightmare.....
Dr Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Sara, I know they are only dreams, but they are reminders that keep popping up and telling me "This happened... don't forget...."
Husband, Very funny......
Well, I went and did something "bad." I found OW's photo. Gosh, I feel sick to my stomach. Why on earth did I ever want my marriage back? Am I deluding myself about this whole thing?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I had horrible dreams... In one we were sleeping in her apartment for some reason and the sinks were rusty and the faucet blew up on me and water went all over the kitchen. I was trying to wipe up the sludge and water when she and her XH came home and found me in the kitchen....... H was still in the bedroom... there were so many. Therapists would have a field day with me.
I have googled her. I ripped up a letter I found and then one day taped it back together to read again. All 33 pieces of it. I have a pic of her on my phone. I've spent hours looking at pics online of festivals in the city, just looking for her in crowds of millions. UGH. I've given her sooooo much more power than she EVER deserved or even had over him. Seriously.
It's been a few months though. We've been piecing for a year now and I'm actually one of the really, really happy ones. I swear. Scary huh. :-)
Your signature line, ROOT, is brilliant. I don't know you, but from how you write, I don't think you are deluding yourself. I think you are too aware to do that. The ones that are deluding themselves are the comfortable ones thinking "Not MY husband" when they see a story on the news.... the person I was before I realized that "happily ever after" was only a trick ending crafted by men who knew that no self-respecting princess would ever sign on if they knew the truth.
>> it's been a few months though. We've been piecing for a year now <<
It has been a few months since what? The dreams or the affair?.... but, if you've been piecing a year now I'm assuming the affair was awhile ago....
My husband's affair was well over a year, but itwe were separated and in divorce about a year and 4 months ago (and he stopped the D just before the first court date).
That is an interesting dream. It makes a lot of sense. Fortunately, I don't remember any of my recent ones too well (they fade), but they always seem to be about my husband either leaving or some relationship he's having. One interesting thing, I'm never surprised in the dreams and I'm not upset or frantic. Just mostly kind of sad. I feel a lot of loss. I'm realizing I still don't feel grounded even though he has been kind of an exemplarary husband in many ways.
I just wish we were closer. I still want to know about the A and that's something he will not talk about at all. He just says, "Get over it." The bad thing about this is I feel, if he can have secrets (and I see the details of the affair as secrets) why shouldn't I have some of my own.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Nice to see you again,,i've been on and off the boards for the last 5-6months,,trying to 'piece' after Michele told me to hire an atty and get a D. So I did just that, had him served and everything,,then H found the opening to the tunnel or the forest for the trees or whatever and is seeing Michele alone or w/me currently. Convinced me to delay the court proceedings til after our trip to France. I want to be hopeful but not too much, if you know what I mean.
Good days and bad days, but its' all how you react and knowing that you can't control others but you can control yourself and thats' where the REAL power comes from!
About your sitch,,I have dreams about H all the time whether right next to him in the same bed or sleeping alone. Altho I have never been able to 'catch' him cheating, I come to the conclusion that he probably did @some point and not to dwell on it. The dreams will involve him w/a previous GF prior to 'US'.
Funny that you mention nightmares,,,H had a bad one last night, i've only witnessed 2 hes' had in the last almost 20yrs,,it scared me and I woke him & asked if he were o.k.,,he said yes but wouldn't elaborate about the theme. I too am in the dream and I don't get real upset or yell either,,just sad. 'Get over it' sounds like my H too and I too feel that if he is not willing to open up to me then we cannot build a trusting foundation to our 'new' R,,,,,sooooo,,,IMO, since we girls have experienced life on our own and know that everything will be o.k. if our H's leave, that our subconcious' is letting us know that its' o.k. to accept what has happened in the past and start anew AND IF it doesn't work out it won't kill us and this too soon shall pass.
Its' also nice to remind our H's sometimes that they have crossed our boundries and we are NOT going back to the way things were before! 'I've just gotten out of the darkness into the light(got my life together) i'm NOT following you back to 'THE DARK SIDE'!
Peace be with you & your sleep ROOT!
Kim
M44H44 M18 T22 Sep7yrs-3/10 S23,22,15,11 10/07I file 2/08D postponed by H 2/09D on 3/09H moves in 8/09I kick H out 9/09H-PA 10/09-2/10mediate 3/10OW discoved 5/10H&OW engaged 7/10DDay w/atty
>> it's been a few months though. We've been piecing for a year now <<
It has been a few months since what? The dreams or the affair?.... but, if you've been piecing a year now I'm assuming the affair was awhile ago....
Yes, sorry I wasn't clear. Early in March '07 my H decided that it made sense when I explained that he didn't have to choose between his job and our marriage, but he did need to choose between OW and our marriage. His affair began in August '06-- so it was about 8 months in length. He lived with her the last 4-5 months of that.
The affair was over soon after that and we began LD piecing while S15(then) finished out the school year and I readied the house to sell so we could join him out of state. S16(now) and I have lived here with him since July '07.
Long story but I don't mind filling in any gaps-- for anyone, anytime. I don't have a signature line because there are too many variables in my sitch that need explanation. My 180's had to involve pursuit after (almost/sorta kinda) total detachment and it's a risk I wouldn't feel comfortable advising most newcomers to take. The short version in a sig line might cause someone to do what I did, and there are too many blanks I didn't post that require explanation before anyone else should try it just from looking up my old posts.
Quote:
My husband's affair was well over a year, but itwe were separated and in divorce about a year and 4 months ago (and he stopped the D just before the first court date).
Wow... an 11th hour save. Did he share more with you when you first got back together or has he been in non-disclosure mode all along? My H is ashamed and hates talking about it but when he sees that my imagination is worse than reality (if that's possible) he talks to reassure me.
A strange behavior he never had that he does now: I was the one traveling, out in the public, etc., in our "old life". I HAL and since moving want to GAL more but he doesn't like me going off on my own!
He took a job across the country and left me up there with a sports car to drive in the snow, a house/kids/life to take care of, etc., and now worries if I want to take off for the day across the lake. I'm working on figuring this out... Time I guess... TIME.
I have really bad dreams and even wake up crying badly sometimes - last time was about two weeks ago.
I have had a really bad month where I have been 'running away' from H and I can't work out why - I can only think I am scared of being hurt again. You are not alone. I don't want to realise one day I stayed because of fear rather than love. I don't think I have but sometimes I wonder.
On the whole I do believe that dreams are a good way of our subconscious dealing with these issues. I think bad dreams are healthy - they are very common with pregnant women.
I just want you to know I understand your pain.
I am going to send you an email that I was sent - just as a laugh as a tension release. i know sometimes you and I can 'come from the same place'!!!!!
((((BIG HUGS LADY)))))))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I too am in the dream and I don't get real upset or yell either,,just sad. 'Get over it' sounds like my H too and I too feel that if he is not willing to open up to me then we cannot build a trusting foundation to our 'new' R,,,,,sooooo,,,IMO, since we girls have experienced life on our own and know that everything will be o.k. if our H's leave, that our subconcious' is letting us know that its' o.k. to accept what has happened in the past and start anew AND IF it doesn't work out it won't kill us and this too soon shall pass.