Just came back from the session. It was very powerful and yet I think that it is all but over. Connections were made (yet again) about how W. has been unclear about her needs in the relshp--therapist linked to some childhood pieces for her re: trusting and allowing herself to be more fully known vs. holding in some things. W. agreed with these points, but wondered if she "has already left long ago". She wants to be free but also said I wasn't restricting her in any way. There were a number of key moments in the MC today, but in the end, I think her decision has long ago been made. Even the MC said at the end she thought it would be very sad if W. did not risk giving the relationship a chance to see if it (and I) could respond to her needs.
W. going away this weekend for two weeks. Another session has been booked for the week after she gets back. I said it seemed like quite a ways to wait; MC said she thinks a little space would be what is needed right now.
As we went to the car, W. asked if I preferred her to take the bus home. I said no, of course I would drive her to her car, 20 minutes away. We talked a little in the car. It was very hard. I was quite shutdown and she had some tears. I said, "do we really even need another session?" and she said "I don't know". She had some tears and then I apologized for putting her on the spot. We joked about a guy we saw who was weird looking in the waiting room. I said "see, I might not be that bad" and she said right away "You're easily in the top 90th percentile of guys". At the end, we hugged for a long time and I stroked her hair. She had tears, but I felt so frozen and numb. It felt like a goodbye hug. Another one.
She said she was overloaded right now, and I said "me too". I ended the hug gently first (that was something I've never done before). I desperately wanted to keep holding her. I couldn't say the word "goodbye". She said, "I'll talk to you later in the week" and I said "sure". I got in my car and we waved briefly as I drove off but I was definitely in waaaaay pull back mode by then.
I feel I said some important truths in the session and so many helpful things came up--a number of "aha" moments for both of us. I feel like--look at what we are gaining from just 3 sessions so far. Imagine what it would be like if we both were committed to working on things and had another 7-10 sessions!! But I didn't say it. It just feels too late. I told her in the car that I've not stood in her way if she wants to leave and I will not do so now. I said that I'm in no rush or on any kind of timeline on this, but that a certain level of engagement is needed for things to progress. Waiting just for waiting's sake with no other plan or engagement isn't likely to bring much movement about. I said that there is not much in it for me to be in a relationship with someone who feels trapped or doesn't want to be with me. (During the session I was clear as always that I wanted it to work out and am completely dedicated to doing whatever it takes to keep the relationship growing).
So, the "official" word of it being ended has not yet been said, but as far as I'm concerned, she might as well have said it today. I guess now that one of two scenarios will happen:
1. she will email me or call to say it's over, just before she leaves for her vacation. 2. she will do so upon her return.
Presently, I'm leaning toward #1. She leaves in about 4-5 days from now.
I feel resigned, desperation, agony, frustration, anger, and incredible heartache. What a terrible ending to know that someone loves you, thinks you are the best, doesn't want to be with you, never told you clearly about her concerns, tells you when "it's too late" and--worst of all of it--doesn't want to even try to make it work. And out of all this, somehow I still feel the failure.
W. emailed 3 lines to say she was checking in and that she has been feeling weepy and teary since I dropped her off a few hours ago. She said she is thinking about me and appreciated my openness about many of the difficult things we discussed.
Well, big deal. A lot of good that does me. (I know, bitterness isn't good, but that's where I am right now). I sent a 2 line response thanking her for checking in and saying that I also found today's session to be a tough one and that I share similar feelings. Cordial, but brief.
I'm off to bed. It's been a very emotionally draining day, so my goal is just to try and get some sleep and figure out tomorrow, tomorrow.
I know its a mixed-plate of emotions. Do not give in to it. I am not condoling your W's actions. I would never wish this sitch upon anyone. Right now, give her space. This will be the hardest thing you've done! Do NOT discuss marital issues. Allow her to speak, and do not demand, ask questions, or argue. Your W is a WAW/MLC'er! You need to validate what she says REGARDLESS if you agree or not. If she says something, do not react. Instead, show that you're listening. (This is Michele's *ACT AS IF* approach.) It will improve your chances in softening her heart, and winning her back. If you are receiving therapy, make sure its solution-oriented. Non-SBTs will point you toward the wrong direction by over-analyzing the past. Please call the DB office for a referral, or seek telephone C from one of our coaches. In the meantime, have faith, GAL, set mini-goals and charge after them! Michele's techniques will work for you whether you D or not. You will become self-reliant. Remember, happiness is a decision - with or without W.
These techniques require patience, faith, and strength. DECIDE to choose DB'n!
Purr: I want to extend my empathy to you. Your situation reminds me of mine, so I feel I can feel at least some of what you are feeling. I've read so much about relationships, stories about people coming back from all sorts of problems, yet my W. hasn't signaled any willingness to really work at it either. She just ran; no D yet, but that's likely where we're headed. It is so hard to hear them tell us they feel we are great, etc. and yet they don't want to be with us. They are throwing us away at precisely the wrong moment--just when we are more capable than ever of being the person they need us to be.
Of course, we need them to be the person we need as well, and it sounds like your MC sessions have revealed some things about her that you would need to see changed as well. Perhaps she's having a hard time coping with what she has learned about herself, and thus needs time to sit with that. Maybe not. We just don't know what's in their hearts unless they tell us, and it sounds like you have a confused, hurt spouse who thinks all her problems will be solved if she just ends it.
I suspect there will come a day when she realizes that the grass is greener where you water it, but that day may come too late for your M. In the meantime, remember that time is your friend. The longer you go in limboland, the longer you have at least some (but you don't know how much) chance of avoiding a D. So, as hard as this is remember that it's not over until the D. Try not to assume you know what is in her head; she sounds confused, so what may be true at one moment may not be true in a day, week, etc. All that speculating will just drive yourself nuts.
Tia is right--work on yourself, figure out what you need to learn about yourself/life, and GAL. Take care.
You know, reading what you posted OPurr, I didnt get the impressin its "over" at all. I get the impression she is, like Tia said, an MLCer, running from HERSELF not you. She is weepy and tearful. She wouldnt be if it was over over! She said you were in the top 90% of men (well done! You do sound like a lovely bloke though and I'm sure her rational mind, whats left of it right now, realises what she has had). You offered to frgoet the next session, but I bet she wants to go ahead with it.
I'm no expert, but what if you just let her be? Go a bit "dim" as they say? I think the best advice, if you can afford it, is to book a session with a DB coach and take their advice, as your W is giving such mixed messages I reckon. I think it was brilliant that you stopped the hug first and walked off to your car in a more shut down mode...she may have picked up on that and it may have led to her email an hour later?
Its not over till someone says it is..keep going !!!!
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
"I feel resigned, desperation, agony, frustration, anger, and incredible heartache. What a terrible ending to know that someone loves you, thinks you are the best, doesn't want to be with you, never told you clearly about her concerns, tells you when "it's too late" and--worst of all of it--doesn't want to even try to make it work. And out of all this, somehow I still feel the failure."
This my sitch to a tee!
My wife is going to file today! She told me she has no love for me and wants to start dating.
W. emailed 3 lines to say she was checking in and that she has been feeling weepy and teary since I dropped her off a few hours ago. She said she is thinking about me and appreciated my openness about many of the difficult things we discussed.
These are not the words of a W that has made her mind up or if she has is sure about that decisision.
Give her the space she needs , more importantly use this time and space for yourself.
Patience and Time , stick to DBing principals and you will come out OK one way or the other.
Tia--thank you for your words of support. Our MC has been excellent. I know she could take us very far should there be a joint commitment to work on improving the relationship. I have considered the coaching sessions, but now I feel like it is already over. I don't know what to do on this. THANK YOU for saying that you care about me. This brought tears to my eyes. I feel like I need constant hugs, but unfortunately so far there isn't anyone I can get hugs from. This sounds silly, but I really have been aware of the lack of physical contact...I really yearn for it.
Tree--I'm so sorry that your sitch has taken this next turn. I cannot imagine how much this hurts to hear. Please know that we still have love for you, though I know that falls so far short of what you want. Keep posting and stay connected to us, okay?
Ali--you are a real beacon of light for me. You have a kindness about you that is so real and I appreciate you for it. I think I'm going to pull back at this time, still responding to contact, but not initiating any. I've said all I can say. I'm cringing for that final email letter. In December she wrote me something like "if I'm honest, deep down inside I just can't be bothered to try and work on it. As painful as it is for both of us, our souls need to part and go in different ways. Maybe with closure, now the healing can begin". She revoked that email 24 hours after sending it, saying it was "premature". But now, I figure she's going to resend the same thing. It was the most painful words I had ever heard in my life. And now I think I need to get ready to hear it again, this time "for real".
I feel this weird thing of incredible pain, tears, and yet numb.
Hey Purr, thankyou! I am not feeling too great about myself deep down, as my BF walked out (although he repeatedly said it wasnt my fault!) but this rejection lark is hard to take. So I try and help others as well as myself.
Anyway.. I hear you, I feel the same. Hes away skiing, I havent heard from him, I'm lonely, I miss him, cuddles, togetherness, sex and most of all, I miss my life. The happy settled life I had. Its sh*t. I really is. I am also steeling myself to hear the worst when he gets back (or not hear from him much at all).
Instead though...if it is over, you will be hurt, if you decide to "give up", it will hurt. It hurts anyway. Lets both try something else...think big! Be optimistic! My glass is half full, they ARE still in touch, there IS still a chance... lets hope they come to their senses. But, in the meantime, just distract yourself, try not to think the worst. Keep busy and just wait some more. Shes weepy and tearful, she must have some feelings somewhere!
Also..I dont know your W chart, but at her age she is probabyl slap bang in teh middle of the major Uranus half return. This happens to us all around 42-44 (Uranus takes 84 years to go round and gets to its "opposite" position roughly 42 years later but it can vary from person to person). In astrology, Uranus is the planet of MLC. If its combined with other things in her chart at the time, she may suffer this catalclysmic (cant spell!) change badly, she may be confused and feel that she wants a change, just to change SOMETHING to quell the restlessness in her. Uranus is the planet of change, chaos, instability, unpredictability, rebellion and also, of acting impulsively or compulsively and quite often, not in our best interests (with the benefit of hindsight). Its that "throw the baby out with the bath water" mentality. My BF is having a major Uranus transit. When it hit exactly, he moved out. I saw this coming but it was still a shock :-) Anyway, I'm just saying, you could be dealing with a very unpredictable situation here and as Uranus is the planet of change, things can change in any which way, and Uranus speeds things up, so changes can happpen quickly.
I think you need to hang on a bit longer, be calm, loving and accepting of her need to break up her old life (old ways of relating?). Theres no guarantee she will come back once this process has worked through (as the same for me and my BF) but if you know what you are dealing with - uncertaintly, then try and make it your friend??
Or consult an astrologer to get them to confirm this..and put a timeframe on it. (I know my BF will be "better" by August and therefore I should know a bit more where we stand by then, and I knew that 18 months ago). Thinking of you as ever. You sound like a catch in a million! She'll be kicking herself in the future for how shes has behaved, whether she comes back or not. You dont deserve this and she KNOWS that.
Ali xxx _________________ Me: 37 H: 34 T: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Are you a cat owner? If you are, bond with him or her. I know that hugs are important. Folks at my church, went to communities and held "Free hugs" signs. Hugs were offered, and people faces beamed! My church replicated this idea from a foreigner who did the same. Do you know that a baby's survival is dependent on love? If you have family with children, why not spend the day w/ them? Children make you laugh, and they'll hug you. Or go to your best friend for support. My next idea is to buy a medium-sized Hello Kitty, teddy bear, or Easter bunny.
Perhaps your primary love language is physical touch.
