I love the way that you are playing this sitch, keep up the good work and no back-sliding.
She is testing you and you are passing with flying colors. You were over doing it a bit with the phone call about taking the weekend off, but you came out ok.
THINK --- DE-FENSE, DE-FENSE, DE FENSE
Hound taught me that from his college football days.
I can tell you that "piecing" is not piece of cake! LOL
What happpens is that the WAS starts to give more control to the LBS (you). The trap is now set.... you begin starting to feel like alpha-male again and BANG... welcome back to the old you!
Be cool... be a little distant... no whining... don't be too available. NO R TALK!
Well, ONCE AGAIN, this defies all logic and/or explanation. I can't wait for my next coaching call!
W called me 2 or 3 times during the morning to say she was running late, and to give me an update on when she would be over.
"Take your time, there's no rush" was all I said.
When she arrived, I was sitting in the sunroom reading, music was playing...she was in good spirits...hug and kiss. We did a few small chores together, then she said "I could use a glass of wine". So I opened a bottle, then we just sat on the couch and talked...and talked...and talked.
The same dynamic started. She said..."MM, when I am with you, I feel soooo good. I see your changes and my changes, and I see how good we can be. Then the next day I start 2nd-guessing everything again. It drives me nuts."
So here's what I said to her.
"Think of yourself as a huge ship. You have left the broken-down home port and are heading full steam ahead to somewhere you hope is better, maybe you only heard it was better, but it's a bit of an unknown. It's been underway for a long time and you are halfway to your destination. However, now you have noticed that the place you left has changed while you've been gone. Now it might be everything you dreamed you wanted. You decide you want to check it out. But that entails turning this big ship around. It has momentum, and it is really huge....I think that is where you are right now, turning the ship around, and it's hard".
I know, it's a bit wordy and corny, but I really said all that to her. She loved it. She said wow, what a great analogy...it just takes time to turn the ship around.
I said "That's right...so take your time. There is no rush on any of this".
We killed the bottle of wine, watched a movie, ordered pizza, and ended up in bed <insert x-rated activities here> and she did end up spending the night after all.
We had breakfast and a pot of coffee, watched the sun rise, and talked a bit. I asked her how she felt this morning, "I don't know", she said. I said, "well I'm not pushing you for anything at all...just take your time". She nodded.
She left about 15 minutes ago, and I don't even feel sad. This will work out as it should, and I simply enjoyed spending the time with her.
Mink ---- This is awesome!! You are becoming a DB king!
One suggestion... this morning... asking her "How do you feel??"
WAY TO DANGEROUS!! Avoid those types of convos.
As you know, I am home. I am completely avoiding all R talk and questions such as the above. If she wants to tell me how she "feels" she can do that, I am not going to ask.
I am breaking the spell of co-dependency.
2 weeks from tomorrow we had down to the Caribbean! All I need to do is make it until 3/31. Once we get down there, I will do my thing and everything will be cool.
Thanks for the advice, Fish...I know I shouldn't have asked how she felt, but we had a long (and often humorous) convo last night about how "the better things are when we are together, the more she wigs out over the next day or two".
So I was giving her a little jab there.
Hey, we must be moving forward...she didn't even ask to wash her car this time!!! (inside joke)
Mink - Take your time, enjoy your space and freedom. You have the best of all worlds right now, enjoy it.
Fish
I hear what you are saying about the pull-back. I see that with my W now. We get real close for a few days and then there is a pullback. That's ok, playing it cool, enjoying time with the kidlet and it's nice to be back in the house.
The thing is, I expect, and I am ready for the pull-back!! My DB coach Joann said it will happen nearly every time while my W is in this confused state, and is perfectly normal. She called it the "chameleon effect". When things go really well, it will be followed by a period of doubt, coolness etc. That is exactly how it happens with us. So I need to have faith that following Joann's advice will give us our best chance.
Here's some more mild DBing in action for you: I am selling my Bowflex machine because where I work has a pro gym room. I put it on Craigslist, got lots of bites, just finished selling it and the guy left with it.
So W phoned about 15 minutes ago..."I forgot to ask you, any action on your Bowflex?"
"Oh yeah, it's sold, guy just took it".
"What! You never phoned me!!"
"Oh...sorry. Well anyway, it's gone, you should see how big the spare room looks now!"
We had a really nice, upbeat convo, and she told me she was going to spend the rest of the aft reading her book, I said "well have an awesome afternoon, see you soon!"
In the past, I would have told her everything as it happens. This is a 180 for me, I think it surprised her a little
True to form, I just talked to her on the phone. She is cool and calm, the spark in her voice is not there.
It was a 2 minute call, just asked her for a phone number...I got out of the call quickly, as per my instructions from my DB coach ("when she is distant, end the interaction ASAP").
Totally 'chameleon effect' (see 2 posts back). I'm glad I now understand what that is. I won't take it personally.
We must have had a really good time this weekend, for her to be so distant!
Since I was brought into this sitch through my defense lesson I will share the logic for you Mink:
Me hopes you are a football fan....
When playing offense you always know where you are going right? The play is designed to work a certain way based on some accepted conditions. If those conditions are different you still know what you are doing and where you are going because you have practiced the contingencies. So for our spouses they "know" what they are doing they are leaving us for whatever reason. Me thinks that the reasons in all of these sitches are very similar which I think is scary!
Anyhow, they "know" what they are doing and act accordingly. In your case W "knows" she wants out but you are slowly changing the conditions and she is trying to audible out of the primary and work on secondary contingencies. Problem is she has not contingencies to fall back on so she jumps back and forth on the plan. She's with you - then against you - she's close then distant she has no game plan.
You however, can have a gameplan that offers piece of mind and "control" regardless of her actions. Defense is the name of the game... she can only respond a limited number of ways to any given stimuli. Some will tell you that the responses are infinite, but I have really strong feelings about the fact that there are limited responses and I have gone so far as to suggest that there are only 3 types of responses with multiple sub-catagories (that is another lesson).
So here is how it is done...
1) Determine the down and distance: in every interaction what could be the forseeable goal for each party?
2) What can you do to prepare yourself for every possible decision that she will make based on D&D? In the example above you have played it perfectly by knowing the D&D is her chameleon effect and knowing that she will likely pull back afer an intimate evening.
3) Act upon the probable outcomes of her decision. Again, I am certain that there are really only three main responses to any stimuli: A) Acceptance and concurrence B) Anger and rejection C) Ambivilence
So for each offensive move plan for your reponse based on the knowledge that one of the above will occur. If you have a plan for each you will be less stressed and more able to make sound decisions that will not prohibit your DB progress or direction.
I know where you are right now! I was so there and it is confusing, but if you eliminate the stressors for yourself and help lessen those for your W you will be better in the long run!
Good luck!
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
First of all, THANK YOU for taking the time to help. It is appreciated.
I will read and re-read your post, and keep it in mind for every interaction we have.
I have a DB call tomorrow at 5:00AM, I will hopefully get a revised plan from Joann as well.
The absolute hardest part of all of this for me (and this sounds so lame) is that I have trouble convincing myself that calling/emailing/texting is a bad thing. Even though, when I do it, she responds badly! Every time! I can't seem to learn. In the back of my mind I am saying "she has to know that I am still here, and I love her, and support her".
But I also know that she sees my constant initiating of contact as an act of desperation. Mild desperation, but desperation nonetheless. And that doesn't help me or her, does it??
Always contacting her is, I realize, for ME, not her. And that IS weak, not strong.
Today, besides the 2 min phone call to get a phone number (I tried to find by Googling, but it's unlisted) I have not contacted her at all. And I won't.
This will be noticed by her. Even more so, if I don't do it for 2 days. Or three.
So, a good 180 for me, don't you think?
PS: My coach told me that it's not uncommon for her to recommend no contact for 2-3 weeks...she says it's unlikely any harm will come from that.
I would definitely have a hard time with that one!!!
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
