The latest with me

[OldFool]

Thinking about you. Hope you are doing well. How 'bout an update?

[StupidRomeo2]

Hey guys,
Sorry it's been a long time since the last update. Lots of little things have happened but I'm cautiously happy to report that we're together and things seem a lot better.

I still feel hurt sometimes when I think about the OM but I don't let it show.

We've been enjoying our times together, taking vacations, picnics etc. Sometimes I feel we're going back to the way we used to be i.e. normal. We still haven't spoken a much about what happened to us and why she did what she did. She maintains that I was an @ss to her at times. I maintain that every couple has some issues but they don't just get up and leave without trying to work it out. We get no where on these topics and she gets defensive discussing them so I've stopped caring about it.

I'm quite happy and thinking about picking up my 4 year old hobby again i.e. racing cars. We're also thinking about buying a house to settle down but the prices are in a flux so we're waiting on it.

I'm definitely considering talking to her about some kind of a 'pre-nub' agreement though. I don't want things to turn ugly and then me taking a beating on the financial front too.

OF, Kiki, miss you guys. I hope you guys are doing well. Please drop me a note on [e-mail] and I'll email you back my permanent email address.

[braveheart]

Hey guys,
Sorry it's been a long time since the last update. Lots of little things have happened but I'm cautiously happy to report that we're together and things seem a lot better.

I still feel hurt sometimes when I think about the OM but I don't let it show.

We've been enjoying our times together, taking vacations, picnics etc. Sometimes I feel we're going back to the way we used to be i.e. normal. We still haven't spoken a much about what happened to us and why she did what she did. She maintains that I was an @ss to her at times. I maintain that every couple has some issues but they don't just get up and leave without trying to work it out. We get no where on these topics and she gets defensive discussing them so I've stopped caring about it.

I'm quite happy and thinking about picking up my 4 year old hobby again i.e. racing cars. We're also thinking about buying a house to settle down but the prices are in a flux so we're waiting on it.

I'm definitely considering talking to her about some kind of a 'pre-nub' agreement though. I don't want things to turn ugly and then me taking a beating on the financial front too.

OF, Kiki, miss you guys. I hope you guys are doing well. Please drop me a note on [e-mail] and I'll email you back my permanent email address.

Romeo, good to see you again! Glad to hear things are going well. I do want to throw this caution flag at you, if she hasn't taken responsibility for things, she is not done. Beware.

[OldFool]

I'd like to second braveheart's comment.

I still feel hurt sometimes when I think about the OM but I don't let it show...

We still haven't spoken a much about what happened to us and why she did what she did...

We get no where on these topics and she gets defensive discussing them so I've stopped caring about it...

I have grave concerns that the problems are being swept under the rug because either one or both of you can't deal with them. You can skip it if you want and just pretend things are OK, but sooner or later, it's going to come up again unless it's dealt with. If one or both of you can't do that, then there are issues to be addressed before you have any chance at long-term happiness. While I am happy you are back together, kind of, I fear your prospects in five years (or less).

We're also thinking about buying a house to settle down but the prices are in a flux so we're waiting on it.

Given the above, getting involved in any substantial financial investment together at this time is unwise.

I'm definitely considering talking to her about some kind of a [pre-nuptial] agreement though.

This is a good thing to do, but if you can't successfully talk about the issues (see above), how do you expect to have any success at this? Sorry, but I'm just not seeing it.

What's happening on the counseling front? If nothing, you need to take a step back and reassess exactly what you have (and what you don't).

That having been said, at least you have some contact and some opportunities...which is more than many of us have. I hope you can find a way to use them to your collective advantage.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Been a loooong time everyone and I'm back in the same situation. She moved out a couple of days ago while I was at work without telling me. I felt she always had one foot out the door. Lately things got a bit rocky and we argued over a few little things and wham! she's out.

My sweetheart of a DD is now almost 6 and it's really tough for her. Obviously it's tough for me too but it just makes my heart cry to see her future split up and torn like this.

I don't even know what to do or expect, I pretty much want to give up at this point. It's been a long road. She also hasn't had a job for a year since she got laid off so I really don't know what her plans are. I'm afraid she's going to go after alimony etc.

Two days ago she emailed me late afternoon saying "let's meet for dinner tonight, I've found a place to live so we're not fighting in front of DD all the time". So we meet for dinner and I ask her what happened and she said that I've been mean to her...I asked her to be specific and she couldn't really. She mentioned a couple of little arguments and I told her my side of the story as well as my frustrations. Things seemed OK and I assumed she was fine and would come home. So she spent that night at her new place with DD. Last night she spent the night here (all her stuff is at the new place) and I took that as a positive sign too. Today she said she was going to stay at the new place with DD and if I wanted to have dinner together we could meet somewhere. I asked her why she's staying there. She said because her stuff's there and she has to be at some unemployment job placement place early morning. I responded saying "is that why DD should spend a night at some new place? I'll keep her" she responded "OK then, I'll drop her off after I pick her up from school". Now I get up at 5:30AM to go to work which is over an hour drive, but she didn't even show any interest in offering to help or changing her mind. I got home and noticed a few more things were gone. So when she came over with DD I asked her if she was coming back or not and she said she didn't know. I said why won't she be truthful with me for once and tell me what she wants to do and not leave me in a limbo. She said she didn't know and "probably not". Unfortunately DD was there so neither her nor I wanted to discuss it any further but just knowing that much I know she's not intentions of coming back. With work etc I just don't know how this will turn out. I feel I have yet another loooong steep mountain to climb with no help in sight.

When she left I asked her to please return the keys to the house and her response was "well how will I get the rest of my stuff" I said "I'll think of something". I don't know if it's the right thing for me to do or not but the reason I'm showing tough love this time is because I let her control the whole situation last time and she made me feel like a doormat.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I have D6 with me today, it's a much better day for that reason. Gives me a reason to make something to eat or go outside or play with her. I didn't think I'd be affected this much the second time (make that third) but it's still pretty brutal. The house feels haunted without the same sounds and laughter. Things that W used to do makes me feel overwhelmed, it's not that I can't do it she had a place and style of doing things which I don't know. Something simple as the spice jars and measuring cups etc.

Anyway, looks like the house she's staying at was vacant and is owned by another mom who my daughter used to go to school with. She left her first husband and remarried. She owns the house but lives in her new husband's house. It's furnished etc. Turns out there's another woman and her daughter will be living at that house...I'm guessing it might be the same situation i.e. another WAW. Apparently her daughter's 7 and my daughter can't wait to go back to "mommy's house so I can play with my new friend"

She's little and doesn't know but it sounds like my W will have company all the time and I'll be alone in my misery in this house.

OK, this place should have a seperate section for dating lol. At least we'll understand eachother we all know we're the committed types.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Looks like I'm talking to myself here but even just writing helps.

So today didn't end as well as I'd hoped. DD got really emotional a few times and said she wanted mommy. I was being as caring and gentle as I possibly could. Spent every minute of the day with her, took her to the parks, played, colored, caught some bugs etc. Finally I decided if she really wants to sleep with her mom I don't want to make her think she can't, I want her to be happy no matter what. So I called the STBXW but she didn't answer the phone. Half an hour later she called but by then DD was ok and we were coloring so I didn't answer. Finally I took DD to another park and on the way back she said she wanted to stay with mom tonight and I told her OK. I knew she really wanted to because she didn't even want to watch Madagascar, her fav movie. So I called and explained the situation to STBXW and she came and got her. She didn't say anything neither did I while DD was finishing her dinner. I got really emotional when DD gave me a hug and asked me to come visit her tomorrow and that she'll miss me tonight. I tried to hold back my tears but I couldn't. She waved from the car as I stood by the house waving back.

I'm sure STBXW doesn't care one bit. I have a migrane headache from the emotional roller coaster and have a laundry list of things to do tomorrow which feels overwhelming. Oh STBXW did ask me right before walking out the door if she could grab her cookbook from the kitchen. I said sure.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I'd say today was a good day for me. As over the past several days I got up at 3:30AM and stayed in bed till 6AM trying to go back to sleep but all this stuff weighs on me and I start to feel my heart pulpating, then I just have to get up.

Anyway, started early with the list of things I wanted to do today, a little bit of cleaning, a Home Depot trip to pick up the remaining wood flooring we'd purchased to replace all the carpet, then laundry, then groceries etc. Then a quick lunch.

I talked to DD this morning (wife dials and hands the phone to DD), she sounded sad and said she cried a little bit last night because she wanted to be with me. I told her it was OK and that she was with mommy and mommy loves her and takes care of her just as much as me. Then I texted my STBXW asking her to let me know if she wants to do something together with DD today and that I was in and out running errands. She said it was some kid's b.day party so she has to call them to find out what time. That was this morning, now it's 2:30p and nothing. I'm emotionally doing better today and I think it's because I'm preparing myself to be OK if she never comes back. It's hard at times and part of me wants to have her back especially when I see her signs all over the house (house plants, garden in the backyard, her vegan food stuff). It's interesting that I always think of the fun memories with her, unlike her who only remembers the arguments. My biggest sorrow is my DD but like my friend said to me in an email "Yeah I know it sucks but what can you do? She didn't leave you any other options"

Anyway, we'll see how the rest of the day ends but the first half was great. Last night watched 'Seven Pounds' starring Will Smith...not the best movie to watch in this situation but it was already in the netflix queue lol

Anyone have any good movie suggestions? I'm thinking Clint Eastwood, Jet Li sort of movies might be good to watch these days

[flowmom]

SR, sorry to read about your sitch.

My six year old has been having a rough time with the separation, and my heart breaks for my children. Don't let your W off the hook with coparenting. Make a commitment to yourself to put your dd first and be emotionally present for her. Every decision that involves your dd has to be about what's best for her and always bring your W back to that. It sounds like you're a really caring parent and I'm sure that you can play a huge role in helping her through that.

[flowmom]

I haven't read much about your sitch, but any chance that your W would consider Retrouvaille? Two couples in the forum have recently found it very helpful and recommend it even for couples where one person is not motivated to reconcile...