Gypsy, You may not see it or realize it but you are really showing your inner resolve and strength. You are an inspiration to me. Even dealing with the PTSD of H's announcement you have found the resources to reflect on your situation. Rather than dissolving, it seems that you have realized some truths which will see you through the situation no matter how it is resolved.
This thought isn't all that evolved but I was wondering if you can you take any comfort in the fact that your beloved is gone from the face of the earth for now? But, unlike death, or dementia there is a chance that he may return not as his original self but as someone who is eager to do what it takes to make your marriage better?
((((hugs))))
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
Thanks for the thumb's up. It's like being hit by a salty wave, spluttering and then getting my 'bob' back. I wrote a poem many years ago and eventually gave it to H, telling him that was how I often felt.
I have an image of a bouy at sea.... anchored, light flashing slowly,... blink.... blink..... blink...., bell chiming a lonesome yet comforting tune. You look out over the water and can see it, take comfort in knowing it is there. During the day you can sometimes hear the distant sound of the bell, imagine the bouy means to you when you look out, you know where it is, how it is always there, waiting... chiming for your soul, heart... reassuring you of its presence. You feel loved.
I have an image of a bouy at sea... anchored just in sight of the shores but surrounded by water, waves, sea creatures of the sky and below. The anchor is firm, runs deep and is strong. She flashes and chimes for a heart she knows, loves... who knows she is there. Out on the ocean, waiting... happy to be there.. for the heart she shares. Time passes... the heart does not talk, the soul does not wander by... she waits, secure in the love, chiming, flashing her message of love... for she knows he sees them, knows he reads them, knows he cares.
The tides ebb and flow... the moon wanes and waxes... the bouy chimes, her call more distant, its tone sorrowful. Where is the man, the soul, the heart she knew? Anchored in the love, she bobs in the ocean, scanning the shores for signs of him. Clang.. Clang... flash.. flash.... bobbing in the water yet no longer bouyant she is alone. Alone in her caring, alone in her love, a speck on the horizon.
Her tie to him will never be severed... but she is alone, a bouy who once shone for one. Does he hear the bell, see the flickering light, imagine her dance of the seas for him? She does not know. His life is in flux and she is so close yet so far away, so remote. Does he look toward her or look away? So far from the shore she no longer knows. The dolphins who came to play no longer do. The messages are no longer shared. She is alone with only her bell, with only her light... alone.....
Does she even exist?
Closing her eyes and opening her heart.. she dreams a dream, wishes a wish and sings a sad song to the stars of the loneliness of love... and weaves her tale in a basket...
Gypsy, wow, what a beautiful and moving poem. Thank you for posting it.
And I have to second I'mstill in that you are very strong, have already proved that. You have your 'weak' moments, but that's because you are human.
Quote:
A husband I pledged my heart and soul to, a father to our children, my best friend. We became so distant, so cliche.
So distant is the name of the game for us lately. H is definately pulling away. Its heartbreaking and freeing at the same time.
Quote:
The dissolution of marriage is but a financial transaction. How do I take care of me and the kids as he walks firmly away from me.
All H is concerned about is money (and the kids, but they are always priority #1 and we never argue about them).
And about taking care of us and our kids, we do it on automatic pilot (well, the kids...) until we truly remember how blessed we are. Then it kicks in naturally. As for us (the ones left behind), we have to put some effort into taking care of us. We will take the higher road, even if it means faking it at times.
We can do this. I have even shortened the "If it doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger" to "Its not gonna kill me....".
Talked to H today asking if we could meet outside the house to go over the financials and talk about a few things. He at first reluctantly agreed, then called again asking me to talk about it over the phone.
Net net.. I told him that visitation should be something we dealt with together talking to each other rather than through the kids. He said he had thought I'd told him to go through the kids to set up their times together and said he'd found it very difficult. Instead of squawking, I said it was a good thing we cleared that up.
I figure if I ever need him to be willing to talk to me, all I have to do is to request to speak to him in a public place.
He found the last family outing too difficult and will now be taking the kids alone saying "Perhaps after the divorce we'll be able to all go out together." He's planning on spending 1 1/2 hours on Saturday with the kids in lieu of Easter (he already has plans that don't include us or his family of origin). Oops.. am I sounding like I"m paying too much attention to what he's doing?
While trading the financial info at the house, we were both polite and informative. He was crisply dressed in all new clothes which looked very nice on him. I looked nice but not overdone. Oh yes, grid I kept all the bank statements in the envelopes so he has to take them out, copy them and put them back.
His sole focus is 'our' divorce. "We're getting divorced.. blah blah blah." All I want to say is.. "You're getting divorced, this is your divorce" and realize that's like spitting in the wind. Semantics don't matter.
Someone mentioned that he must still love me to find it so hard to be around me. Conjecture. Love.. guilt.. public humiliation? Whatever it is, he's staying the heck away from me.
The lawyer told me to ask him for his address. If he wouldn't give it to me, she'd write a letter to his lawyer. When I asked (adding that it was in the court documents) he said that it wasn't his mailing address since he was subletting... that he would get a PO Box instead.. but would be very inconvenient for him to do. I just think it's a little odd that he wants such a secret life. Perhaps that's what he has now.. his own life, as secret or as public as he chooses to make it.
Not the guy I married.
Oh yes.. twenty six years ago today we met. Here's something I wrote a few years ago to commemorate that special moment.
Something There
First glance scans deep blue eyes, playful smile, handsome man. Sweat trickles as he laughs unabashed escaping from some jezebel. Looking twice then glancing down. He is so strong.
Something whispered.
Small talk over green beer. His mom knows my mom, shared childhood classes, we work together. Sporadically meeting but never remembering Until now.
Something gasped.
Awkwardness smoothed by his gaze, looking deeper. His interest seeks beneath the surface. Confidence emerges with words shared.
Something thaws.
Defensiveness distractions aloofness sidestepped. His words encourage the self well hidden.
Something glows.
His eyes mesmerize as his words soothe. Calm questions coax the timid to share; not just the expected but the all.
Something knows. Something there.
The crippled psyche calms, opening to that man. Hurt, fear, pain, terror, anguish. He respects the thorns as the flower slowly releases from bud to bloom.
And big hugs to you... you handle you meetings with him so graciously but I know it can't be easy. In spite of all of your H's actions you are not reacting... you are an example to me because I have had many backslides in this process!!
