I have considered giving it back to him and telling him what I have just outlined above. Is this the right thing to do?
No, don't give the cheque back! In fact, he should pay the amount he owes, no matter his financial situation, which he and OW got themselves into.
IMHO, I think you should let the D happen ASAP. Let your H go free, to see that the grass isn't greener on the other side. At this point, he and OW have you as a source of something to commonly complain about. Once you let him go, then you are no longer the 'enemy' keeping them from whatever they are wanting to do. Of course, this is only my opinion, and I base it on what a friend said about her 'fiancee's' LBS, after he finally got his divorce. It was, "about time she let him go ... there is no way he was going back to her, and she just did it to make us miserable". Needless to say, I was quite shocked at this particular friend (who I think is going through a bit of a life crisis herself, but is not aware of it, because I could never imagine her saying this about anyone).
Whatever happens, I do believe things work out for the best if we can approach life without fear, and if we can let go of the things (people) that don't want to be held onto. Maybe, by letting your H truly go, you may find your own freedom.
Still, you will know when the time is right for you. I know how hard it is, and how painful to let go of the father of your children, of the years invested in a M, the vows that were said, the uphills and downhills of living a life together, and then he doesn't even have the guts to face you and tell you why he's throwing it all away. Sometimes, they don't have an answer (my H still can't tell my why he felt the need to put our M at risk, to hurt me so cruelly, to put our children through so much uncertainty) ... all they want is to get away from what they perceive is the thing that is keeping them from their 'happiness'. I say, give it to them, and you will no longer be the source of their sadness, and maybe it will dawn on the MLC brain, that they are that source.
Just some thoughts. Hope the week goes well for you.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Ali We have discussed this a lot. You can only D when you are ready to do it but like the others I feel you should now prioritise this. If you look at the interaction you have with your H all the antagonism is from finances and lack of movement on the D. You can usually work things out with the children after all they are not young kids but able to voice opinions and make their own decisions too. A D will actually allow you closure - you don't need to know why your H decided to go with OW honestly. Trust me, he probably doesn't know himself and couldn't answer you if you asked. I know naej said some difficult things but I have to say I agreed with everything that was said and that for your own sanity and those of your children now is the time to take control and push for the D yourself. Take control Ali and then you won't feel you are being bullied but standing up for your right to be the bright, independent, fun loving mum and woman you truly are. x
Thanks for answering my questions. While I can see your point about focusing on uni right now, what I've disvcovered is that there is no good time for the D. It is going to take up a lot of time and mind-space. It is going to be stressful and unpleasant and sad. But I have actually found that my FEAR of it was far worse than the reality. At least once I started working towards it, I felt like I was taking back some control.
The truth is, life happens. After you finish your course, something else will come up - work, the kids...And it won't be a good time. As you've said, you can get along quite well except for this one (albeit it major) issue.
Al, what helped me was finally really accepting that my M was over, that we were D'd in all but name. A D couldn't make us less married than we already were!
I so hope that you can have even a better M with your H one day, but I don't think that's going to happen right now. I worry about you because you just don't seem to be able to let go while still being M (I was the same, btw).
I am thinking of you, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I really think nic has hit the nail on the head here, as far as the detachment and accepting goes
Originally Posted By: nic
Al, what helped me was finally really accepting that my M was over, that we were D'd in all but name. A D couldn't make us less married than we already were!
That said, I totally understand your position regarding a house with a big value, and a low mortgage, that you want to keep. I was a similar situation.
Can't your attorney draft a creative arrangement where you repay H back his share of the equity, with a small market interest add on, over a VERY long time (i.e, 15 years or so). That way, you can afford the cash outflow and keep the house and the low mortgage. If house values are down right now, this could really work for you, because his half of the fair value will be as low as it is going to be for awhile. H would essentially be your 2nd mortgage holder.
I realize H won't like this, but tough beans. If the interest rate is fair, then there is no argument about it being equitable, it just isn't what he wants.
You know too, if you were to propose something like this nonchalantly, he might realize you have let go, and he might chill a bit. Oh well, maybe that is too optimistic, but we can hope!
Good luck, this part just sucks, no matter how determined we are to be detached and businesslike. But you are a good mom and a smart cookie and you'll get through it.
Or maybe he would be willing to sign a quit claim deed just to move the D along faster?
Why not try to use the inevitable to your advantage?
Have you have the house appraised recently and do you know what it is worth for sure? Values here in the US are shite and it is a good time for refinancing but a horrible time for selling. Anyway, I think you have a bargaining chip here and your H may go for it.
I thought all would be awful too after my D, even thought me and the kids would be forced out, but guess what?!! On Thursday I will sign the refinance papers and this house will be in my name only! Woot woot!
