Very wise words Ali from naej. I wholeheartedly agree. With H being strapped for cash it sounds like he was trying to gain information on your lifestyle and jobs to see what "movement" there might be on the financial settlement. However, it was wonderful that your D felt cherished once again and long may that continue.
Don't worry I am taking it as a VERY large grain of salt and as I posted I am in no way making 2+2=4 here. It was just comforting to know that the old H is still in there somewhere.
Quote:
Just think about the wonderful things you have done for yourself during all this
I do all the time and even though this journey has been hard I am grateful that I have been given these chances.
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Be very proud
Oh I am. My heart is swelling with pride.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I smiled when I read your posts b/c although I didn't put it in mine I did say exactly that to my D17. I asked her if H prodded her for info about how much I earn. She said he didn't and even if she had she couldn't have told him b/c she doesn't know. This then led onto another convo about the grants/loans she will have to apply for when she goes to uni later in the year.
One thing I do know for certain is that this convo with D17 wasn't planned by H b/c it was her that invited him out. However, I'm sure that just like me he is eager for information that he wouldn't normally be party to.
My guard is still well and truely up. I have no illusions left about my H.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Well H finally got round to that telephone call he threatened earlier in the week. It was spooky actually.
I had come home late from work due to a late meeting. I had only been in the house about 15 mins when the telephone rang. I jokingly said to D17 'Do you think this will be your father' and got up to answer it. It was actually my mum ringing from Portugal where she is on holiday.
Less than 5 mins later it rang again so again I answered it. This time it was H! Talk about 2nd sense! He wanted to know if he could come round and talk to me about D. I didn't see any point in saying no so I said he could come. He said he would be here in about 20 mins and for some reason from then until he arrived I shook.
I'm not quite sure why he came b/c he could've said what he did on the phone. He started off by telling me he had changed his L b/c the other one had moved onto a new firm. This tells me that the one he had wasn't a partner (this happened to me when I first took advice from a L). I on the other hand have the owner of the company. He is still using the same company just a different person.
He then went onto tell me that unless he heard back from my L by the end of the month he was going to instruct his L to send his papers straight to the court. He said if that happened they would be seeking to get costs from me!
This took precisely 2 mins for him to say all of this. He wasn't even going to sit down and said it all in the kitchen (although he did attempt to keep it from the kids by shutting the door).
My response was one word 'Unbelievable'. He asked what I meant by that. I said I was tired of him trying to bully me to get what he wanted. He said he knew I would try to accuse him of that and that was why he wouldn't sit down and stay longer. He said he didn't think there was anything else to say so there wasn't any point.
I told him that on the contrary there was a lot to say and discuss. He did acquiesce to sit down for 5 mins. I partly made the mistake by saying that in the 2+ years since he left I have never had a reason why he is doing all of this. He immediately stood up and said he wasn't going to discuss that with me. I retrieved it by saying I didn't want to discuss it as no-one could change the past. He stood by the door for a while until I said that his whole body language was defensive and created tension that did not need to be there. So he did sit back down again but only perched on the arm of the chair. I was tempted to ask him not to do that as it is a pet hate of mine but I resisted.
I said that we needed to start to communicate better over the children. He said I only communicated with him when I wanted help with the children and I said well actually I don't even do that anymore b/c everytime I have you have turned it around and tried to use it against me. I re -iterated that he can see the children whenever he wants (or they want to see him) and he said that was a change in attitude b/c before I had said he needed an appointment. I gently pointed out that I had not said this but had requested he keep me in the loop about when he was seeing them b/c they omitted to tell me and it had caused unnecessary tension. I said that if I had been able to say this to his face in the first place rather than putting it into an email (which he never answered) he would have known my actual intentions. I pointed out that any email can be read totally different to how the author intended it purely b/c it is only words and the all important body language is missing.
He brought in (again) how he thought I was DAMAGING the children by not agreeing to a D and moving on. I told him that I M for life and was sticking to my M vows irrespective of what happened. I said I was disappointed that he didn't feel the same but that was his choice. He said 'exactly it is my choice'. I chose not to rise to the bait that he was setting. I said that as far as I was concerned I was setting an example to our children as to how they should live thier lives when they were adults and that they were very much my priority. I said my second priority was to complete my degree so that I could make something of myself so that our children benefitted in the long term. Throughout all of this he did give me eye contact (although the customary MLC dead eyes) and so I made sure I also maintained eye contact. This was something I was previously unable to do (even when we were happy) so I'm sure he will have noticed the change.
It's probably taken me longer to type out this post than it did for the whole interaction to take place and I'm sure that I will get at least one 2x4 telling me that I shouldn't have entered in a R talk but sometimes things have to be said and tonight I felt I needed to say those things.
He stayed for a few mins afterwards to discuss with D17 some letters she has had concerning the car accident she was in just after Christmas. He also took time to look through her holiday photos from Eygypt.
As he left he asked me to tell S15 that he would pick him up at 11am in the morning. He could tell by the look on my face that I didn't know what he was talking about and he said 'Did you know I was seeing S15 tomorrow?' and I said 'No I didn't'. It proved my point from our earlier discussion quite nicely but I never said anything else.
I can only assume that he had left his phone in the car and that OW had either rang or sent a message asking why he was taking so long b/c he sat in the car with the engine running for several mins before he finally pulled away.
I'll be honest I did cry once he had left. I don't know why he still gets to me like this (or why I allow him to). I just want to shake him and tell him how much I love him but there would be no point to that right now.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I don't think this was a bad R-talk, as far as they go. It sounds like you maintained your composure and didn't get accusatory.
I'm not clear, though, on what he was talking about. Haven't you got a solicitor? I thought things were moving ahead with the D. Why is he still bothering you about it?
N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Hi Nic, Yes we both have a L. However the new job he took recently pays £12k a year less and OW is about to loose her job at the end of the month as it was only a 1yr maternity cover post. They are feeling the pinch VERY MUCH. As it costs about £10 each time for the L to send a letter I can only imagine that he thought this way would be cheaper! His contributions towards the children are also getting less and less again. I've said nothing, this will all come out in court when we finally get there.
He is frustrated b/c it is me who is stalling things. I am frustrated b/c I feel like i am being forced to do something I want no part of.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
AJC, I just read this post of yours on another thread but am replying to it on yours "I know. I need to get this done for me but at the moment I am managing VERY well financially and H isn't. Guess who he wants to pull down with him. Any move towards D (whether it be partial or full) is a financial suicide for us both right now and that's why I'm finding this so hard." Not sure I understand this IF you are doing very well financially and H isn,t how will a D be financial suicide for Both of you? That aside I understand how you feel about not wanting the D but as your h had left before and this time he is adamant he wants the D surely your marriage was not working and the difficulties you are encountering communicating through this second separation show neither of you are "understanding each other". Why hold onto to that? stubborness? sorry that question arose again from a quote you made on other thread-I know it wasnt your words just that you quoted it(and I thought you had actually had a lightbulb moment) Your m for now is dead. This is so hard for you but by stalling it is only costing money and more heartache for all. H is not going to suddenly think I don,t want this D because you are dragging your feet-is he going to be thinking of you kindly at this time-I think not. You don't have to help him but you do have to comply with the law.That's not helping him D you. He will get his D IF he is so keen to have it-it will just take him longer. The longer you both draw this out the more bitterness there becomes between you and that will still be there after the D when you will both need to get along and communicate for a while at least as you still have minors. This is not what you want to be between you both. Get the best/fairest deal you can and maybe afterwards IF your h comes to realize he actually wants a relationship with you, the less discord there has been between you before hand the quicker it will heal. Sometimes we just have to accept the reality of it all and whilst it is not what we want it is "what is". I think the best you can do for yourself and your children is damage limitation. I am far from sure you have "let go" and you can remain m to H for the next 5 years and he can live with his new partner for the next 5 years and you can battle on over when he sees them, did the kids tell you ,did he tell you he is seeing them-what will it achieve? who will be happy,how much hurt and pain will be inflicted all round. Is that a marriage. Sorry for the 2x4,s but I hate to see you going round in circles. Easter is coming (faster than I wanted) but it is traditionally the most important time in the Church year. New beginnings.
I thought you did fabulous with your H. I am proud of you. I love how you told him of your stand and why. It was brilliant.
Your H sounds so much like mine, it scared me. It is so mind blowing how evil they are. Set good boundaries and DON'T LET HIM BULLY YOU.
I can relate to the shaking and fear. It is horrible to watch your life crumble, but I guarantee you...... YOU WILL DO WELL. I can feel your strength. Keep keeping on...
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
