You Can Stand Under My Umbrella

[RedUmbrella]

Updating:

I don't know how long it's been since I've had an active thread here. I've actually tried staying away since things have changed so dramatically around here. And most times I feel what's the point in posting?

So, in any case....here's what going on.

For those that don't know who I am...I used to go by Twisted_Inside.

It's been 2 years since my H turned that corner and "came back" to me. Although he never did move out of our home, he did some good talking about it. He even admitted recently to "looking" at apartments in the area, but realized (like I told him) that it wasn't financially feasible.

So, to the events of recent. This past Thanksgiving and Christmas were great. We spent it with his family as usual, and enjoyed our alone time then. We don't get a lot of it, since we have no family or people we trust to care for our children. Besides, both of us feel that after putting in 8-9 hours daily we want to spend lots of QT with our kids.

One new thing this past Christmas, we spent Christmas Eve night with the boys. I know it sounds funny. Most years we would not spend the night with my H's parents because my H thought it was more important to be out with his friends. I think this past year he's finally got it. That friends are great, but family is pretty important. Especially the boys. They're only little once, and if you miss out.....they'll be adults before you know it. In any case the boys enjoyed Christmas Eve and morning with us. Before we all headed back home.

This past year has been up and down. Although I am happy to report that it's been more ups than downs. My H has been spending lots of time (on the weekends) at home with me and the kids. Which both myself and the kids LOVE.

Piecing is not easy, even 2 years later. My H still has his MLC symptoms at times, and tries to push them onto me. Saying that I'll understand one day when I go through it. I tell him flat out, that I understand the difficulty of transitioning through life but that feeling of wanting to "be alone" is not something that I would choose. It's a lonely life to lead...I would not wish that on anyone.

My H has quit smoking. Which I applaud him daily for. I know it's a difficult habit to break, and have never specifically asked him to do it. It has always been his choice. But, I believe his Dr. told him that his blood pressure and cholesterol is suffering because of it. It's been about 4 months since he's quit.

He's also slowed down drinking. Which as some of you know, he's an alcoholic. So, this is another great feat for him. Again not something I've asked him to do, but something he's chosen. I believe he had an epiphany in January after his office late holiday party. He was not pleasant to be around, and was very hurtful. Not only to me but the kids. Not just with words, but his actions. S4 was confused and so was SS12. H unfortunately didn't remember much of anything that night, and I to explain to him what happened.

Life at home has become more stable as of late. SS12 has been getting great grades. Although much to my sadness (mainly for him) he has decided to cut off contact with his bio/mom. This past summer was the straw that broke the camel's back. This was his decision, and it actually made life for us better. No more turmoil. We've both explained to him the importance of his relationship with his Mom. But, are not forcing the issue.

S4 will be 5 this summer and heading to kindergarten in the fall. I am excited and sad. I will no longer have my baby to baby. H is sad too, he said it makes him want to have another. LOL Although we both agree that $$$ wise it's impossible. We want to be able to provide for our kids now, with out having to struggle.


H has also found God again. He went to church for the first time in many years on Sunday. He actually went alone per his request. I was proud of him. The night before he did a lot of soul searching and there were some tears. I don't think he knows what to do with it all.

He is hoping that church will help him grieve for his father he lost about 5 years ago. Which was the cause of his MLC. I push him to do this, to find the help he needs. And he's told me how appreciative he is that I am so supportive.

Now, don't get me wrong life is not peaches and cream all the time. Although we do communicate better, and I do a bit of telling him off when I need to. He has told me that he still feels "empty inside" and has a hard time accepting my love. But, he knows that we'll be there for him.

On Friday we (H and I) will be going to an oral surgeon. H's dentist found a lesion on his gum last Wednesday. We aren't sure if it's cancer or not. Thus the biopsy on Friday. I'm praying that it's nothing.

MLC isn't easy, but piecing is much harder.

RU

[inmyplace]

Red,

Where were you this morning when it was pouring here!

MLC isn't easy, but piecing is much harder.

Hey, som eone said that to me last night. While I am not piecing, I have watched from afar and even some of the oldtimers who are divorced do not envy you folks. But we do admire your effort.

Good luck.

IMP

[sgctxok]

MLC isn't easy, but piecing is much harder.

Hi Red...thanks for posting.

What has helped you the most?

[RedUmbrella]

IMP,

Probably working. LOL Trust me I'd much rather be here than working, but someone's got to work to pay the bills right?

Yeah piecing isn't easy. I thought it would be when my H wanted back. But, it's not easy to move forward and not look backwards when you argue. I've had many thoughts of leaving myself because it was difficult. Of course they say the high road is never easy do they?

I trust my H more and I don't worry when he's out or home alone. I don't check his emails of his phone anymore. I don't give him the 3rd degree either.

I'm glad to share that we'll be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary on the 11th. Who would have thought?

My Mom was shocked and pleased that it's been 10 years when I told her. Mainly because she knows we've had many ups and downs. Bumpy roads, etc.

But, life is pretty good. I wouldn't change anything.

RU

[RedUmbrella]

SG,

What helped me the most?

Talking and sharing things with my H helped me. I did a lot of pride swallowing through the MLC. And it helped that my H let me vent my anger and frustration to him. He allowed me to heal that way, and be as angry as I wanted. He also allowed me to question him about everything.

I also taught myself to let things go. That life is too short to hold onto things that are in the past. Sure he cheated on me, and said pretty nasty things to me while he was in MLC. But, really it's the love that I have for him that is the most important.

My H never got unconditional love from his Mom. Which I could never understand. So he never knew what it was like to have that, and it scared the crap out of him. Even to this day it does. But, he knows that my love is unconditional and I would never stop loving him because of who he is. I may get angry or upset, but I wouldn't stop loving him.

That's the biggest thing that helped.

Oh and communication. LOL That too....

RU

[ba065]

RU:

Thank you for posting the recent leg of your journey. It was helpful to read. I'm glad things are moving in the right direction for you and hope that someday I will be able to post a similar message to everyone here.

I believe that loving someone unconditionally is a very important key to unlocking and maintaining a healthy relationship. I think that my loving my H unconditionally is what has kept him at home thought these tough times.

Communication is extremely important as well and keeping the lines of communication open can be a determining factor in how we deal with one another on a day to day basis. I have to admit that both my H and I have been able to communicate rather effectively through this mess.

I hope nothing but good things for you and your family in the future. Please continue to keep posting updates.

Thanks!

BA

[RedUmbrella]

BA,

Thank you for the words of encouragment. I really appreciate it.

It's tough coming back here to share what's going on in my life at this point. Mainly I feel out of place, but yet don't feel comfortable in piecing.

Loving someone unconditionally is difficult. Especially when in the throes of MLC. They tend to be so mean, and ungrateful. I eventually developed a pretty thick skin to all of it. And the most difficult thing, after it was "over", was breaking the wall down.

I put it up to protect myself and my kids. And it was pretty tough and strong when he was around. So, you can imagine when he decided he had made a mistake...how hard it was to pull it down. And it still goes up sometimes. H still has some MLC "symptoms" that I don't know will ever go away.

He's different now than he was before. In most ways good, but in other ways....not so much.

I agree communication is very important. I never was good at, mainly due to my upbringing. I wasn't allowed to "talk back" or voice my opinions as a child, and have difficulty doing it to this day. I was/am a people pleaser, so when things bothered me I didn't say a word. Until it would boil up to the top and spill over. And it got ugly...trust me. Very ugly.

I've since learned otherwise. Most of the time my H knows how I feel about things, and if I get angry I let him know. The other funny thing is since his MLC, I different too. Most good, I think, other ways not so much. And yes, I admit it freely.

Funny how life is. You know?

RU

[inmyplace]

Red,

I was walking to the office when the rain hit hard!

But, life is pretty good. I wouldn't change anything.

That is a great statement. I feel the same way. It doesn't mean that I am happy with everything that has happened. It doesn't mean I wouldn't make different decisions if given the chance. But I am here and I might as well make the best of it and enjoy all the blessings that I have been given in this life.

IMP

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Twisted,

: )

Not easy at all, is it. But better with time, right?

Time...

always the answer.

The answer most people don't want to hear. : )

[RedUmbrella]

IMP,

So sorry I could be there to hand you that umbrella. I hope you didn't get too soaked! Course with the weather here, I'd trade rain for cold - frigid cold weather, any day. It's -4 right now....brrrr!

I agree with you totally. I may not be happy with everything that has happened in the past couple of years, but it's okay. Plus, I figure I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for these events. I think through it all I became a little bit of a better person.

Change is hard, but it has to happen. You can fight it until you're tired, but it's inevitable. I find it's easier to run at it head on rather than run away from it.

And yes, if I had to do it again there would be some choices I would change. But, it is what it is. Life goes on. And that's okay.

RU