I'm struggling a bit today. I know why I just don't know how to deal with it.
Recently I have been receiving the Charlyne cares emails. I find them very uplifting and if nothing else they are beginning to restore my sense of hope (not just about M but about life too). Add this to seeing H (unexpectedly) this weekend and I feel like I'm back to square one. I'm finding myself sitting and contemplating him over and over again. Its driving me nuts. I'm back to getting nothing done b/c all i can think about is him.
Well its out there now. Hopefully now I can let go again and try and detach more successfully.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
sending hugs hon))))))))) I totally hit you, when reality hits you like a ton of bricks, and all we can do is wait out the emotional storm. Peak at your watch and tell yourself you'll stop thinking of stuff for about 30mins. Write things down, whatever is going through your mind, that way you won't have to go over the same details again.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thinking of you, ACJ! Just gotta take it one day at a time, sometimes!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." Peace Pilgrim
Ali sorry you are so down at the moment. I am sure it will pass. You have come so far on your journey and I know that you are struggling just now. As I have said before teens can be very selfish and they really don't want to hear what "us parents" have to say. They want to see us as almost unbreakable. What is happening about your D at the moment? Are you still going through with it?
I've only agreed to separate finances and this is still ongoing. It's me who is dragging my feet. Not to be awkward but just b/c I have so many competing priorities and for me it isn't no 1.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I just typed a really length post and lost it in cyber space!!!!!!!!
Will try and precis it since it is so late.
D17 rang me at work to say she was going out with her dad tonight and that he wanted to speak to me. She told him she would pick him up so that he didn't have to come here (and therefore not harass me).
Halfway through her evening out she TMd me to say she had a lot to tell me when she got back.
She wasn't wrong. At some point H had gone to the toilet whilst they were out so she sat and wrote a list of what he had told her whilst he was gone
The first thing was a HUGE shock. He asked about my parents! I asked D17 to clarify who had brought them into the convo and she said he had. She told him about my mother's recent bout of shingles and he sound concerned. I can't remember the last time he asked about them. I even jokingly said to D17 I'd better phone your grandma and tell her your dad sends his love
Then an even bigger shock! He asked about ME. WTF. He asked how I was and what I was doing at work now. She told him i still had two jobs but that i had changed one of them. He asked if the new one was with the government still but she didn't know so couldn't answer. She told him about my degree. She said he quite happily chatted about all of this and again it was him who brought up the convo.
Then she enlightened me about the state of his finances. I already knew they weren't good but apparently he is earnig £12k a year less since he took on his new job. He did it get managerial experience so that he can leave that company and go and get a managerial position elsewhere. I was always trying to encourage him to do just that. To make matters worse for him and OW her job finishes at the end of the month as it was only to cover maternity leave. Ooops.
I asked D17 if her dad was coming to her 18th bday party and she said he has not decided yet. He told her OW wants to buy her an 18th present but if it is going to end up in the dustbin afterwards she won't b/c they are so strapped for money for food and petrol. D17 tactfully said that they should spend the money on themselves as she would feel uncomfortable getting a present from OW.
I am so proud of her she is like my own personal mirror. Changes that I have set out to make in myself she is now making w/o realising. It is worth all the hard work just to know that she is benefitting also.
They also talked about karate which is a passion they used to share. They are both blackbelts. D17 said she might join a new club when she goes to uni and H is apparently thinking of going back also. It used to drive me nuts the fact that he went 3 nights a week but it is driving me madder knowing he has given it all up for OW when all I eve asked him to do was drop one night.
I've no expectations for my M or even or our R BUT I did see glimpses of my old H in these convos. D17 said that for the first time since he left she felt he treated her like the cherished D she is and not just a 'mate'. This is so good to hear. Prior to his MLC my H was a kind, caring and compassionate man who lived for his kids. If he only goes back to being this man I will be happy.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
ACJ, that was an amazing conversation your D18 had with your H.
It is amazing when you can see glimpses of their old selves. It truly makes you see the craziness of their actions in the present day. Also, it helps to reinforce what we once saw in them long ago...why we fell in love with them.
Maybe your H is starting to come back a little...it was good that he was treating your daughter like his adored child and not some friend...
I continue to pray for your H, for the resurrection of your marriage but mostly, for you to find strength to continue on this perilous journey.
Hugs, Vali
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
Wouldn't it be great for him to recover part of the life he so casually tossed away ... starting with his kids. I am glad you would feel positive about that. Please do take it with a grain of salt however as far as him being anywhere near the end of his crisis. I don't think he has shared any sign that there has been any real bottoming out on his part. Maybe just slowing down his spinning.
Just think about the wonderful things you have done for yourself during all this. You mentioned the education and career growth when sharing your last post. You should be very proud. I suspect that deep down your H is also. He just can't take any credit or share in your joys right now. You will have to celebrate enough for the both of you. The new friends in the social club seem like perfect folks to do some of that celebrating with, so party on.
And what a wonderful person your d18 is turning into. What a journey that has been too, and paying off now so well. Be very proud.
Good news that your d and h had a good evening as Dad and daughter. I would caution you not to read ANYthing other than that out of this. You have been up and down such a lot lately and I would hate for you to start seeing more to this than it was, You posted you are starting a financial separartion - H is asking about your jobs/work amongst other things--maybe I just have a suspicious mind-maybe he is just interested about your life and is hoping you have moved on without him. Acept it for what it was and try to avoid seeing more to it than that. God news whatever his motives tho.
