Guys, I could plug myself into your stories with little that would change. We're all in the same boat. We all wish things were different, that we had known then what we know now, etc. Yes, we are facing our responsibility for the demise of our M. That's painful but healthy in the long run, whether we ever get back with W or find someone new. We are using this moment to learn some valuable lessons about ourselves, love, and life. It's easy to lose sight of that growth; I know I have from time to time as I slip back into focusing on the pain, wondering why I didn't see it coming, etc. Well, I see know why I didn't see it coming! That's a positive.
We are all on a path of growth, and we can take great comfort in that. Many never use life's tragedies to grow; they just wallow in misery and wonder what happened. Take heart. We're better people as a result of this. I know I am.
At the same time, we should also look for what our W failed to do too. They cannot see that now; maybe they never will. We cannot control them. Still, in looking at how our W failed, we may learn what we need from them should we reconcile, or what we need from someone new. We also have learned how to articulate those needs. I know I failed to grasp, and thus could not adequately articulate, those needs. I am better at that now, and it's something to continue working on. This is more of a male problem, I feel.
Same feeling here.It is so hard and I just get no positive feed back at all. I just wish she would snap out of it. My goal for today is no more arguing for 24 hrs. One minute, one day, on week at a time.
Did you take a walk or anything today. It really helps.
I agree about assuming things...all it does is screw with our heads. Usually, my assumptions are wrong and the things I think never happened/happen. The way I see it, the only thing assuming does is make me unhappy.
Hang in there....and did I read you're coming to Colorado...to ski I hope....the snow has been fabulous this year!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Thanks Bruce, this make a lot of sence. I feel like i am in the first inning and I am losing 21-0. It is very painful everyday and I pray to God for strenth and for it to be over soon.
I didn't sign up for this and I am no Angel but God this is hard.
Glad to hear you are headed to Colorado to do something that makes you happy. This is one of the keys, as everyone who's been down this road says. I've been on this path for eight months now, and it looks like a D (though she's not taken any action, and frankly I swing back and forth between feeling that a D is just what we both need and hoping, perhaps naively, that we can find a way to create a new M).
It truly is one step at a time, and try to learn to be comfortable in the pain rather than run from it. GAL, but don't suppress the hurt when you feel it. Embrace it and learn from it. That is agony, but I've come to feel that for there to be any healing we have to take this route. Denial of the hurt will only make it worse and leave us without the lessons we all need to learn. Figure out what your lessons are, and then try to learn them, one step at a time.
BT your doing good. GAL is the only way to be right now. the pain is a learning tool but not s goal. i have kind of wallowed in my pain for too long. you are going out and getting it done.
sorry to hear about your D. Why do you think she has taken no action. I have the same exact issue. I got the initial letter and that was it, three months ago. Just threats from then on in. i also sometimes think it would be the best thing but do not want this to happen mostly because of the kids. I also still love her very much, it is a wonder why the way she treats me. Everything is nasty, bitchy junk. Never anything nice. She is miserable and in a lot of pain. I wonder if things will ever get better. Thanks for your thoughts.
I can't stand the person she's become but I know she's in a lot of pain so I'm hanging on for her and the kids. The threat of D is always looming, hard not to think about it.
I feel for you. Perhaps what we are experiencing is the slow process of detaching. We can't simply walk out immediately because we do love these people even though we don't get much back in return, or we get nastiness back. But that, I try to tell myself, is a healthy way to love. I don't believe love is simply about doing something so we get love back. We love anyway.
For what it's worth, I wonder if the lack of concrete action on the D relates to guilt, or perhaps the pain they are in, or both. It's easy to say one wants a D, but going through the process of initiating it, I suspect, requires an emotional strength that they just may not have right now. Pure speculation on my part. I did read a quote from someone today that I want to apply to my own life generally, and may fit for us. Basically it said that without action, decisions to change our lives are just words. You haven't really made a decision until you act.
