Partner left after 9 years - now we're friends??

[AliSuddenly]

I'm so sorry, but I just dont see it that way, I dont understand how anyone could..it almost feels a little delusional, do you know what I mean? At what point do you actually just have to accept, this person has left me 4 months ago and never uttered a word of regret or doubt about it. Yes he hasnt seemed that happy and has been drinking alot, but to be honest, thats him! Thats what hes like when hes not happy, or in a R, he was like it when we were first friends. I always found his melancholic nature endearing and he is also funny (tears of a clown). So its not necessarily any sign that he regrets losing me. He never phones. He doesnt really ask questions (I was amazed at the "are you ok?") hes chatty and friendly, but THATS AS FAR AS IT GOES. I dont know how healthy it is to keep kidding oneself that we could get back together.

Some of you still live under the same roof, thats hopeful. Some of you still have children and that binds you. Some of you including those two groups are in MC, thats amazing. I am an ex GF. My exBF has never wanted to go to MC, or discuss our R at any point. Yes he emails me, but he wont even tell me where hes living. He doesnt appear to miss me. I dont get it Jeff, really I dont. How is there any hope in this situation, it just feels to me that he is long gone and shows no desire to even sit and have a meal with me, never lone ever be romantic with me again. It hurts so much.

I'm sorry, I think I'm in pain today. Wanted to add, thanks Jeff, for trying. :-/ (((Jeff)))

My tenants texted to report a water leak and no gas supply, so I phoned her immediately..she then started shouting at me and threatening me with the fact that I was on speaker phone with 5 witnessess and that they were gathering evidence for her lawyer and were going to do me for harrasment. I am still shaking.

[Maya44]

Ali,

You have more connection with your BF then I have with my H of 13 years. It's a very hopeful sitch from what I can see as an outsider.

Ignore your tenants threats as much as you can. They sound a tad psychotic.

[ba065]

Ali:

Hang in there. At least you and BF have been having contact on a regular basis. This is a good thing! He hasn't just walked away with nary a look back! There is still a connection there...it just might not be what you anticipated it to be yet. Have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, he's giving you all that he can give right now? Maybe he isn't capable of anything else at the moment. But at least there is something there! I know how hard it is to accept "less" when you are used to so much more....but at least it is something.

Sorry about the tenants....try not to let them get to you!

Hugs!

BA

[AliSuddenly]

Well, the tone of his communications is getting longer, chattier and less like a BF quite honestly ! It all points to him JUST wanting to be friends?? He also said he may call me at the weekend, but he didnt. I feel like he has moved on to be honest, but is just struggling a bit (he is a Leo, they are not designed to be single !) and maybe wants a bit of contact/comfort. But I feel so depressed at the lack of any sign of change in him. Of course you are right in that respect. And I can only be grateful that we are still in touch at least, but theres no...connection.

He just emailed to say he was thinking of selling his Dads house (its in joint names but it is all his as far as I am concerned). This is great for him (he will make £100k !!!!) but bad for me. Our joint house makes a loss on the rent, which is offset by the profit on the rent on his Dads place...so we lose that profit if he sells up. I dont know how we will get around that problem with the loss on our joint house. And we still havent as yet remortgaged our joint house..so I am worried now his mind will be turning to sell that ! He hasnt said that though. I'm just having a stressful time. Those rich tenants in my flat have rich Daddies who have their own companies and own Lawyers on tap and are threatening me with all sorts!

Thanks for yuor help, I guess his email was really really disapointing, being rather devoid of any emotion. He just sounds like hes getting on with his week. So another week goes by. I am panicking, because I sense a window of opportunity is closing...

Ali x

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

Hang in there. A window may be closing, but that will only mean another one will be opening. You are an astrologist, you know that!

He is doing what you've wanted all along -- he is considering you in his everyday thoughts and plans. He is thinking of you. You are on his mind. That is good. That is positive.

I think you should plan a small get-away for yourself. I'm ok w/ your decision to ditch Berlin, but what about leaving your place and heading into the city or to a bed-and-breakfast or something for the weekend. It may help you to get out of the home you used to share for a little bit. The physical break may end up being very healthy for you.

As for me, I've decided to get out of town myself for a few days to just get away from the big, lonely house. I'm not concerned w/ what W thinks as I'm doing it for my benefit and not hers.

You may consider doing the same.

Finally, as for how long you will DB, that is up to you. You will know when or if it is time to hang it up. If you get to the point where you want to stop the DBing for good, just do it when you'll be sure there will be no second thoughts or regrets on your part. When and if you are truly ready, you will know.

Take care.
RTL

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Ali)))))
I think he needs to go through being a friend again, before he is a BF. Do you understand what I mean? You want him now, I know that. But, this could take many more months. It probably will, and even then, we don't know the outcome. You are right, some of us are still in the same house, or have kids. And that does make things different. But it doesn't mean that you won't have a special relationship with him.

Stay patient.

[MichelleLT]

You have to be friends first. It's not like he's gonna come in and fall on his knees and beg you to take him back. Any sane person would be far too afraid of rejection for that - after all, he left you.

There are no guarantees, but you are making amazing progress.

[AliSuddenly]

and then...I got to the flat and found they'd left the front door open!!! So I had to send the buyers away and call the Police! I phoned the tenants but they didnt answer of course. And all this after they threatened me with harrassment today! Hmm, think that solves the robbery hey!! Anyway...

about his emails...really !?? You all think this is positive? I feel like I am in a parallel universe to all of you! It seems to me we have reverted to the friendship we had 10 years ago, before we were properly together. We always did get on so well. He still hasnt picked up the phone to me to say hi...that would be progress !

Well I did reply to his email, I answered his questions about the robbery and some other house issues and also asked, did our paperwork turn up yet about the remortgage (as we STILL havent done it).

And sure enough...he replied straight away! More of the same matey, casual tone, could've been emailing a guy, or a workmate...he asked me some more questions about the robbery and also about the viewing...

I was abot to leave then, so I just emailed back to say got to go do the viewing, wish me luck.

And he replied immediately with a "erm, good luck!" and that was it!

I would be surprised if he was afraid of rejection? WOuldnt he realise I would take him back in a heartbeat and he holds all the power in this sitch?

Its my birthday soon..one of my goals was increased contact with him (thats true! 3 texts Sat and Sun, 3 emails from him today !) and another was that he would remember my birthday. I would love him to actually acknowledge it in some way, maybe a card, or woooa there...a visit !? If he doesnt, I reckon thats it for us. Uranus conjuncts my Sun on the 9th and 10th (my BD!), if that doesnt sweep something in, or out of my life, I will eat my jeans (that'll make me wear more skirts!)

Ali-The-Astral-Analyser

[Virtually_Handsome]

about his emails...really !?? You all think this is positive? I feel like I am in a parallel universe to all of you! It seems to me we have reverted to the R we had 10 years ago, before we were properly together. We always did get on so well. He still hasnt picked up the phone to me to say hi...that would be progress !

Yes! Exactly! You have to walk before you can run!

I would be surprised if he was afraid of rejection? WOuldnt he realise I would take him back in a heartbeat and he holds all the power in this sitch?

No way! He thinks that you would be angry that he left, and that you might never take him back! He is feeling things out. He doesn't know what he wants yet.

Patience, Ali!

[MichelleLT]

As much as you are confused about what you want, your W is probably just as confused with her own feelings as well as with your actions. I know in my case I thought my message was always consistent. I wanted to make the marriage work. But, my actions were not always in line with that. She was confused, I was confused and we were confusing each other.

He DOES NOT know that you would take him back. And he's not sure what he wants. He expects you to be angry, he's probably surprised you even want to be friends. It IS progress. Just look at how far you have come in 3 months!

Patience. You are doing AMAZING!