Maybe some humor, too. Like "Yes, being nasty usually works. ;)"
You know, just about anything you say - the words may matter less than your attitude, your tone, the look on your face. if you have an easy look on your face; a compassionate, easy tone; those things will go far toward easing the tension.
please no more "put yourself in my shoes". That is what she cannot bear right now.
Even the vodka comment - do you need to take that personally? Come on, you know there is tension between you now, right? So maybe that is an opportunity to crack a joke, while empathizing with her. "Oh yeah, Vitamin V. That I can do. My doctor says I'm not getting enough." The joke says you're not dying inside, the comment shows you empathize.
Seriously, you can do this.
you are hurt by her actions, but the ironic thing is, she doesn't want you back if you're hurt. She wants you solid, independent, funny, like when you first met.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
i told her last night that i would give her a big hug and kiss goodnight but she make take it the wrong way and i may be leading her on.
I also said that she was hanging with the SSW (Society for Separated Women) to much.
So some humor is working thru the cracks.
To tell someone that you need to be really drunk to ML does really hurt and that is hard to hide. Plus she is always attaching. I wish she would come out of this fog!
BT, she's trying to hurt you because it helps her detach and she can use your reactions to justify her feelings and actions. When the guilt gets to be too much for her, she'll do something nice for you so she can tell herself that she's really a good person. That's where the rollercoaster ride comes from. You have to get off the ride, detach, and avoid reacting to the things she says. Keep a calm, cool, cheerful demeanor. If you react to her vile spews, you're giving her just what she needs.
As far as telling you she needed to get loaded to ML...well..I know how you feel. Back in an old thread, probably long deleted, is a good story. One day my wife decided she wanted me to make some tastefull nude portraits of her (I'm a serious amatuer photographer). "Cool", I thought, maybe this is hint. So after about an hour of her cavorting around naked on the bed as I snapped away, testosterone overcame my common sense, and I playfully asked my wife if she would like to go for a little romp. Her response: "Making love with you right now would make me feel like a wh@re."
I would rate that moment as one of the top three single most horrible moments of my life. I sat down on the floor, in total shock. I have never, ever, wanted to die, never even contemplated suicide, but at that moment, I wanted to die. Whether by a sudden stroke, heart attack, seizure, or a lightening bolt from the almighty, I wanted to die. I sat on the floor for 15 minutes while she got dressed and prayed for it to happen.
It gets better. Her motive for the pictures was to prove to herself and others that even though she was a 50 year old grandma, she was still pretty hot. So as if the whole photo session thing wasn't enough pain, she harangued me to photoshop the crap out of the pictures until she looked like a Vicky's Secret model. It was a real treat, spending hours in front of the computer looking at nude pictures of the wife who wouldn't let me touch her.
So I know how you feel. Use that negative energy to help you detach.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
That's a terrible story man. How mean can people get? Someone very close to me once said "The people whom you love the most will be the people that will hurt you the most". I thought that was the worst thought pattern I had ever heard and thought that person was horrible for even thinking that. Well here we are.
It hurts so bad! I am really trying. But backslide once in a while.
Is it ok to Backslide once in a while? A few good things came out of it. I am no longer confident that she had an affair but was just looking to hurt me and play that up. Also, I don't think she is talking to her lawyer at all and is giving it time which tells me she kinda likes what she see's. Could this be?
Someone said they have to hit rock bottom before they return. Is'nt it sad that I can't wait until she crashes and burns. I will be here to pick up the pieces
I actually have a masters degree in counseling (long time ago, and a lot of good it's done me...) and I remember one of the profs saying that both the greatest joys and our greatest sorrows will come from our relationships with other people. So true...
It's never OK to backslide, but all of us here are human beings who are suffering the worst experiences of our lives, so we all backslide from time to time. But as you find yourself detaching more and more, I think you'll find yourself backsliding less and less. We backslide when we still have too much emotional involvement in our spouse's drama.
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
i need a outside input from guys on the repair because i have stalled on my ideas oi have other threads as well but this is the most recent. im kind of in the limbo you guys are all in but mine wont contact me. period. help or desipher if you can
I just got really mad at her because the credit card bill came in and she spent $1850 on a diamond in Aruba last month and did not tell me until the bill came today. She says it is coming out of her mothers account but don't you think she should have told me?
