For anyone who remembers me, this is Mea. I survived!! And all newbies to DB will too!! My Ex H was one of the worst on here (well, HE wasnt on here, I was, but you know what I mean..lol) If I can survive, and be happy (and I am happy) then so can anyone.
For those who dont know my story, all references to my Ex will now be "CD" (It stands for CHIPDICK, as oldies here will know ) and the OW is known as the Spook.
Im a little (ok, a lot) hungover today, I celebrated my 50th birthday last night at a Tequila Bar, and drunk far too many tequila shots, so bare with me, Im having trouble working my head!
CD update first, then MEA update.
CD has sporadically stayed in touch through e.mail...sometimes once a week, sometimes I dont hear from him for months (he never contacts the kids..says its "too raw and painfull for him, still"...poor baby. The kids dont even care now, they have no respect for him and have moved on, as I have.
CD and the spook are now arch enemies. I think the fact that she tried to run him over kind of was the nail in the coffin of this big romance. The nail in the coffin of MY relationship with the spook, was when she MISSED! I couldve given her driving lessons, had she asked
Anyway, CD and the spook only lasted a short while...shes done the same to 3 other marriages since then, he lasts boyfriend ended up in hospital cos she stabbed him with fork!! CD was then alone for a few years, then met someone else, had a one night stand, got her pregnant and is now the Father of a 6 month old baby boy. He sees the child, but isnt with the Mother, and has no intention of being with her. I feel sorry for that little baby knowing CD like I do, he will end up rarely seeing him.
The life he wanted (freedom .no ties money, fast cars, faster women, man-about-town)is so far removed from the live he has now, He is skint all the time because although he earns good money, he is now lumbered with a hefty mortgage that he can barely afford, a child to support, and owes the bank thousands. Hardly a "playboy" lifestyle! He also has a heart condition. He doesnt have one! (sorry couldnt resist that..he does have a heart condition though) and has aged 10 years. (I on the other hand, am always told Ive never looked better! )
This last few months, his e.mails have changed. They were always short, abrupt, but they began to get longer and more personal. Then more melocholy, wistfull. The e.mail I got from him yesterday was quite a surprise though. He ADMITTED his life is miserable, he admitted he had been horrible in his treatment of me, and said there wouldnt be enough hours in the day to list all the terrible things he did, that when he thinks of what he put me through, he feels ashamed to be alive.
He asks "what was wrong with me, Mea? Why did I ruin everything? Why was I too blind to see that I already had the best woman I could ever hope to meet..I deserve to be this miserable forever, its all my fault, you never did anything wrong. I was an idiot. You were the love of my life. I would cut my right arm off to turn back the clock, still be married, I would cherise you like you always deserved to be cherished. I blew it. You will never know how gutted I am, and how sorry. Its too late now though, isnt it?" And this from a man who NEVER apologised, NEVER took any responsibility for his actions, and always blamed everyone else for his problems. He wished me well with my new guy (a few dates, thats all, its over now, but it helped me realise that I could be with someone else) but said he would never accept it, that the thought of me with someone else breaks his heart (welcome to the club CD! Not a nice feeling is it?) and that he cant "let go"..as far as he,s concerned, Im still his wife and always will be! (Maybe he doesnt get the concept of Divorce!!haha). He wants to meet me for a drink and a talk...I said No. Then he started begging. "Just one drink, I NEED to see you. PLEASE!!" Oh how the tables have turned!!
Its been a long time coming, but I think he,s out of that tunnel, too late though!
As for me, Im great! Im not with anyone right now, but I have gone out on some dates lately, was seeing someone for a few weeks and had a great laugh..(and learned that I could have "relations" with another man, after all ;)..after being married for 20 years, and totally faithfull, I thought Id never be able to be intimate with another man again, ever...but 3 weeks ago I took the plunge, enjoyed it , and even though I ended it with him a few days later (he was a bit full-on, a bit of a stalker come the end,) it did me good!
I now have a "friend" :)..we are just mates but do a lot of stuff together, and LAUGH all the time. He,s a bit of a stunner lol, but we,re just mates...for now
Ive just turned 50!! Lastnight the kids arranged a surprise night-out for me. At 8pm, when I thought the taxi was picking me up, I answered the door and there was a huge LIMO!!! I couldnt believe it!! The windows were black so I didnt know who was inside, but when I opened the door, 12 of my closest friends were in there drinking Champaigne!!! It was a great night! All thanks to my kids (my daughter is 100% well now, and bloody stunning!! Those who know me will understand.)
So. my life is happy..Im having fun.
CDs life is full of debt, mortgage payments, a baby and all the expense that goes with it, his looks have been affected, his dark hair is almost all grey, he is over-weight, aged 44 and definately not the party playboy he wanted to be. Are we all crying yet???
Karma, people
No matter how hopeless things seem to you right now....one way or another, either by reconciliation with your MLCer, or by survivng and realising there IS life after MLC...YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN. If I can, so can you.
Ive just turned 50!! Lastnight the kids arranged a surprise night-out for me. At 8pm, when I thought the taxi was picking me up, I answered the door and there was a huge LIMO!!! I couldnt believe it!! The windows were black so I didnt know who was inside, but when I opened the door, 12 of my closest friends were in there drinking Champaigne!!! It was a great night! All thanks to my kids (my daughter is 100% well now, and bloody stunning!! Those who know me will understand.)
So. my life is happy..Im having fun.
Happy Birthday!!! You deserve to be happy!!! Stick around!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Ive just turned 50!! Lastnight the kids arranged a surprise night-out for me. At 8pm, when I thought the taxi was picking me up, I answered the door and there was a huge LIMO!!! I couldnt believe it!! The windows were black so I didnt know who was inside, but when I opened the door, 12 of my closest friends were in there drinking Champaigne!!! It was a great night! All thanks to my kids (my daughter is 100% well now, and bloody stunning!! Those who know me will understand.)
So. my life is happy..Im having fun.
Happy Birthday!!! You deserve to be happy!!! Stick around!
When were you here and how long did it take for you to become the mea you are today?
You say 4 years but is that 4 years after or from beginning until now?
How old are the kids? and how many?
Great to see that ther is life after MLC
E
Hi E
I wasnt very clear, sorry..its been 4 years since my ex left. 4 years (probably 4 and a half actually..I dont even remember the date he left now.. ) ago I thought Id die, but I DIDNT, and Im as happy now, maybe happier, than Ive ever been!
I DBd for around a year, I think. He came home after 9 months, but left again a week later, I think I half-heartedly DBd a bit more, maybe a few weeks, then got sick of excusing his bad behaviour. He also has Narcissistic Personality Disorder I believe, and it came out very strongly in that time, he was DISGUSTING to me, pushed me to the edge whenever he could. A lot of MLCers are horrible to thier LBS, but mine was in a league of his own, honestly!
The kids arnt kids as such..one is now 22, the other 27, but both needed him badly at that time...my youngest has special needs and quite severe learning disabilities, and my eldest was very very ill at the time and almost died. Both are happy and well now, although obviously my youngest will always have special needs.
It was a heartbreaking time for all of us, made worse by the fact that the Spook (the then-OW) was a total nutter who stalked us, threatened us, and generally tortured us.
We were also witnesses to a Murder outside of our home a few weeks after CD left, and the courtcase hung over us all like a black cloud, and the Spook was involved in sending anonymous letters to us about the case, which was scary as it involved local drug dealers, she used it to scare us at every chance she could.
There was also our courtcase (very long and complicated, it involved the Home I grew up in as a kid, and which my Mother owned..she signed it over to me, and my Ex "stole" it, basically. That course case went ahead 2 years ago, I lost, and it almost killed my Mother...BUT, like I keep saying, we all survived. A few scars, a bit battered and bruised, but alive and enjoying life!!
If I can do that, anyone can (and I was the worst DBer here, lol, Im a very emotional person, very impulsive, and DBing was SO hard for me to get right! I never quite mastered it (dont know if Snodderly still posts here, but she,ll agree, Im sure!! haha)
mea, I do remember your story ( I posted on the SSM as inherjourney, but I lurked on MLC all the time, trying to put the pieces together in my marriage). I am soooo happy to read not just a survival story, but that you are thriving. Thank you for taking the time to come back here and update. And HB!
I think, bit by bit, my resolve was chipped away at, but there were a few "lightbulb" moments that led to the BIG lightbulb flash! At the time, he was living across the road from me, and next door to my Mum, bold as brass, in my childhood home that had been renovated for US to live in (its complicated, there are many threads here somewhere about it all though)and was very "in my face" 24 hours a day. I do have a bit of a fiery temper (any oldies on here will remember the hacksaw incident..haha) and one evening Id had enough of him flaunting himself in MY house, and I went over. A big argument happened that ended up with him pushing me down a flight of concrete steps, and that was the beginning of the end of DBing for me.
Then our day "in court", that was terrible...my poor Mum had to testify and was ripped to shreds by his Barrister, so much so that both CD and me tried to stop the Barrister. My Mum was in her late seventies and not in good health, and it broke my heart to see her going through that. I remember looking at CD and thinking "You REALLY are a wanker arnt you!" (scuse my language, )
But the BIG lightbulb flashed when he asked me to take him back, believe it or not! He was crying, begging me to forgive everything he,d done to us all, and all I felt was pity. Pity that he,d blown everything, I felt sorry for him, felt no anger (for a change)just sad. And when I told him "Im sorry, but its too late, I dont love you in that way anymore", I suddenly realised it wasnt just words, and that I meant it!
I dont feel any anger for him now, even after all he,s done, but I do feel sad sometimes, for him, not for me, and for the kids. I dont hate him. But I do still sometimes get moments when I smile to myself at how his life is now, sometimes its good to have a chuckle at Karma
I think the key to knowing that you are really over someone, is when you pretty much feel indifferent to them. If you hate them, you still have too many feelings for them, I think.
Honestly, this man almost destroyed me, and had the power to hurt me with even tiny things, but when I found out (not long ago) that he had had a baby, all I felt was mild annoyance that he hadnt told the kids himself, they had to find out by accident (and he was here a few days before and said nothing! A coward to the last.)
So I think we get chipped away at, over and over, and although its painfull, its gradually setting us up for our big lightbulb moment, and when that finally comes, sometimes its as much of a shock to us as it is to the MLCer.
He still asks me to take him back sometimes, but I think its only now, in this last few months, that its hit him. He,s certainly different.
On my birthday he sent me an e.mail wishing me a happy day, saying if ever anyone deserves happiness its me and that I,ll always be special to him. Then he asked me where I was going to celebrate, because if I was going to our local nightclub, he would go there, he,d love to see me and buy me a few birthday drinks. So I told him yes, I was going there. I wasnt, and had no intention of going there, but I knew he,d then spend half the night watching the door or looking out for me (which he did) so even though I dont wish any ill on him, like I said its still amusing sometimes to have a bit of fun with Karma
...
) and the OW is known as the Spook.
The kids dont even care now, they have no respect for him and have moved on, as I have.
knowing CD like I do, he will end up rarely seeing him. 
, and even though I ended it with him a few days later (he was a bit full-on, a bit of a stalker come the end,) it did me good! 
lol, but we,re just mates...for now 
