YES, the kids are truly the issue. But he doesn't acknowledge that.
Not surprising - and any pushing you do on that probably makes him even MORE firm in his position.
So another question to delve a little deeper - what do you think is wrong in your R with your H that caused you NOT to tackle this problem as a team?
Quote:
His oldest son molested his half-sister at the BM's house 5 years ago.
YIKES. Is he getting some kind of counseling or help?
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Yes, he went through years of counseling with probation and a court appointed counselor, who is the one that has counseled us together. (But not since last August). We had a two hour session and he was an hour late and left in a huff in 30 minutes because he said it was all about me. HE is the one who was doing all of the talking! She knows our family VERY well due to SS20's offense. She says he is a male chauvenist with a lot of passive-aggressive behaviors. She said I am the glue that kept it all together. After watching my Ssons failing and the business going down without him allowing me to co-manage, I see what she meant. I didn't expect it to go this fast, though! My heart aches for my Ssons. I love them! H doesn't have a relationship with them, he just tells them what to do and they wait until he's gone and do whatever they want.
Oh man. The more I think about the way it was the more I can see why he says it will never work.
"what do you think is wrong in your R with your H that caused you NOT to tackle this problem as a team?" We've gotten advice from so many sources on how to raise kids. Each of them has been similar. We studies the 5 love languages, went through a wonderful parent-teen 6 week course with our kids, the counselor has told us how to raise them and our pastor. ALL OF THEM have agreed on how to do this, yet we would come home and H would continue his old practices. At one point he said "all of that stuff we learned is great and works for others, but it doesn't work for me". His method of raising kids is lecturing. No consequences. No follow-up. He blows up when they are arrested or get Fs, and then ignores the problem. My pastor says he has a good case of "ostrich-itis".
M: ten years BS23, BS17 Step-SS20, SS16, SS14 Separated: August 07
After we left, he said I should get more of my son's things because he probably needed them. Then he moved SS20 back into the home. He's been arrested quite a few times since then. He has at least 3 court cases he's dealing with now. About two months ago, I went to the home to pick up a few things and he was smoking pot there. My oldest son and others say he also uses cocaine and ectasy. He's been seen smoking pot from a bong with SS16, who used to be a great kid and get good grades but since I left, he is also failing. SS14 failed all of his classes at semester and if he fails one more core class, he won't graduate with his class. AND HE'S ONLY A FRESHMAN!
We kicked SS20 out of the home together in Jan 07 when I found pot in his room. At least I THOUGHT we were together on that! He has since said that I made him miserable by pressuring him to do that. WE HAD THREE MINOR KIDS IN OUR HOME! Who wouldn't do that?
M: ten years BS23, BS17 Step-SS20, SS16, SS14 Separated: August 07
I thought you might see something you recognized! I think you need to figure out how to get you, and as many of the kids as you can, through this, then figure out what to do about H and the rest. It sure doesn't look pretty to me! Did you read MLC for Dummies? You might at least get to laugh!
I googled and saw part of it! OH MY GOSH! Who knew my DH so well that they wrote about him? Is the complete text on here somewhere? I'm not sure how to locate things.
Is there hope for MLC? Does it just go away???
M: ten years BS23, BS17 Step-SS20, SS16, SS14 Separated: August 07
This is just totally unreal. All this time I kept saying to people "What has happened to my H? Why has he become this monster?" Now I think he read that thread! Is there no cure? Can I take him to the doctor and have him get drugs? Will I ever get my husband back????
M: ten years BS23, BS17 Step-SS20, SS16, SS14 Separated: August 07
I think the cure is time, and vegetables. Some don't come back, some come back too late, some come back on time. You are in for a long haul, quite possibly.
