Jumping in a little late - but, I get the impression she's looking at all the stuff that happened in the PAST. And I agree that there's not much benefit in that at all. It causes more pain and keeps everybody stuck.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
It's actually a bit of both really. My H told me he didn't want to get into specifics, he knew it would hurt me more. And seriously did I really need to know of the love he declared to feel for her or that he loved her body and that even her handwriting gave him chills?? If the OW would not have sent me these texts that my H sent her I would know a lot less and would not be as upset as I am. But I know she sent them out of desperation because he told her they had to cease all communication. But now that i know just how much he seemed to love her and that he was contemplating moving in with her and her son I wonder why he's still here and if he can truly stay away.Also is he here only for the kids? And I often feel as though he'll never love me again. I know i'm falling into a deep depression as I think of nothign else and wantt o do nothign but lie in bed all day. I have been to a Therapist but all she seems to focus on is changing my hair and trying to look better so I can irk him..May have to find another one soon.I know that H is depressed and probably missing her and this hurts like heck.I wish people seriously thought about the consequences that Afffairs have on spouses before they do it.
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
w2m I have a suggestion on the c issue. If you don't feel c is helping you, get a new one. The first one i had kinda seemed like he could be eating popcorn listening to me for his intertainment.
light switch
Me 37 W 37 D21 D17 D12 S8 grandparents 7/07 boy Married 16 yrs last June 07 Bomb dropped 4/07
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right-for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't", Eleanor Roosevelt
Hi, I found out much more than I ever wanted to know about my H's A, too. OW didn't send me messages like yours did. I found out by snooping. I became so obsessed. And everything I found just made everything worse.
I found pictures (x-rated). A V-day card where the message talked about "a chance meeting", signed ILY by OW (blech) (I burned it). Hotel bills. I heard phone messages. I heard my H say to me that he wanted to sleep with her one more time.
He is still here. We have one D14. He didn't stay just for her. He stayed because he didn't know what he wanted. I think he also stayed because we have built a lot of equity in our lives after 22 years. He thought about moving out and asked me several times if I wanted him to. At one point I said yes, then got so scared I told him to stay. I felt that having him here at home would be better than having him at his own place where OW would come and go as she pleased!
I told him if he did move out, he couldn't come and go as he pleased. I also said I couldn't promise that I would still be here for him if or when he ever decided between the two of them.
You're in a lot of pain right now. In some ways the lies are so much more damaging than the A aren't they? You need time to heal. He needs to understand that you can't "just forget". I tried to get my H to read info about A's just so he could understand what I was going through. He's not much of a reader. But we did a lot of talking. Once we got past the hurt, we realized we still loved each other.
Give yourself some time and space. Give him time and space, too. You know he has ended it with OW. You can't forget what you know, but you can forgive, you can rebuild.
Definitely find another C if the one you're seeing is not helping you! I dumped my first one -- I just didn't connect with her. I liked the second one better but have stopped seeing him. Didn't feel like I needed him anymore.
Suggest to your H that he see a C, too.
Don't make any decisions while you're so upset. Detach for know. GAL. Do something for yourself. It does get better....
He is still here. We have one D14. He didn't stay just for her. He stayed because he didn't know what he wanted. I think he also stayed because we have built a lot of equity in our lives after 22 years. He thought about moving out and asked me several times if I wanted him to. At one point I said yes, then got so scared I told him to stay. I felt that having him here at home would be better than having him at his own place where OW would come and go as she pleased!
I told him if he did move out, he couldn't come and go as he pleased. I also said I couldn't promise that I would still be here for him if or when he ever decided between the two of them.
You're in a lot of pain right now. In some ways the lies are so much more damaging than the A aren't they? You need time to heal. He needs to understand that you can't "just forget". I tried to get my H to read info about A's just so he could understand what I was going through. He's not much of a reader. But we did a lot of talking. Once we got past the hurt, we realized we still loved each other.
Give yourself some time and space. Give him time and space, too. You know he has ended it with OW. You can't forget what you know, but you can forgive, you can rebuild.
Don't make any decisions while you're so upset. Detach for know. GAL. Do something for yourself. It does get better....
(((HUGS)))
Joie
Thank you so much for your words..they truly help..so much of this is similar to my situation. I also told him to leave and then begged him to stay..but it was only when he knew I was serious that he finally ended it..But I get no peace..Although I keep making the mistake of reaching out to OW only to satisfy my curiosity..This morning she texted me again then she told me she wanted to talk so we spoke for an hour. she had the audacity to tell me how hurt SHE was.my H lied so much, he told her he slept on the couch the last 6 yrs. When we went on a cruise this past August he told her he went to florida with his brother.I am shocked!! who is this man???? Where is my Husband??
This afternoon she called my house 15 times , she wants closure she says and wants her car keys back that he has..so she threatned him, told him either he brings them tonight or she will go to his job tomorrow..so he did it..Told me he needs to end this the right way or she will continue to call..But i'm dying now and wondering what they are doing..he's been gone for 2 hrs and my imagination is going wild. I don't know how much more I can take.
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
W2M, Please don't talk to her anymore. You owe her nothing, she is toxic to you. For your own mental health and well-being take care of yourself and let her take care of her her own problems. I'm so sorry she is doing this to you, please put a stop to it....
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Going Forward, thanks for asking. It was a rough day. I have so many questions and so much anger and I keep on giving H a hard time. he keeps threatening me that he will leave, I tell him to go. it's a vicious cycle. Deep down I know neither of us wants this to be over yet I can't seem to make my self stop. I get so angry everytime I think of all of the lies that he told her and me as well. Last night he says he answered all of her questions as best as he could. mostly he told her he lost his mind and doesn't know why he lied to her. I think it was a power trip. She sounds so young and naive and has this child who she wanted to find a daddy for, well my H already has his own children.I just really need to try and find forgiveness. I'm going to search through the forum and see if can find some advice about letting go of the anger and the hurt. I can't believe how much support I've already gained from this wonderful site
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
YoYo, you are absolutely correct! Wish I would have thought of that yesterday instead of trying to be the better person and showing her that i was not upset. I ended up getting hurt again when she started telling me more little details about how much he spent on her and how he recently lied to me about Valentine's day. He spent the night with her, i thought he was working. I must admit though I did enjoy hearing her cry and lose it yesterday. Now she was the one who was acting All Crazy as H likes to put it. Hmm guess he attracts crazy people huh? LOL
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
If you really want to fix this, then get him to go with you to a Retrouvaille weekend. Go to the website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org, and read every bit of it. Find a weekend near you, and get him to commit to going. You can do it. But there's no magic potion. It's taking the time to spend time together and talk about your feelings. They will teach you how to heal your marriage. They can lead you step by step. All you have to do is go there with an open mind and a willing heart.
